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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should it really take this long..?

26 replies

Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 15:34

Ex and I are currently in court sorting out access with our dc. From the offset of proceedings ive made it clear dc would go to nursery once eligible for funding and so I could return to work which would be in Jan 2021. Ex is now saying he wants dc 3 out of 4 weekends until dc goes to nursery (dc hasn't had a overnight with the ex before but due to start) I've said no let's go with cafcass recommended every other weekend as ex will only use the contact as control, my family would like to see dc and I'd like to get a routine going before nursery and settle into a new normal.

So I've sent over ex options for nurseries over a week ago, first email he didn't respond to.. then I sent another on Friday which was about overnight contact he got back straight away, so as I knew he was available I asked him about the nurseries, he told me he hadn't yet looked and that he doesn't know when he will get a chance.

Now am I being unreasonable to think it should take over a week to look at 3 nursery options considering I provided all the details? He admitted he hadnt even looked at any of the 3 I sent.

OP posts:
Twigletfairy · 04/10/2020 15:38

If he is not interested in helping choose a nursery, can you not just choose?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/10/2020 15:39

It depends, there are some weeks I'm rushed off my feet and wouldn't have time to have a look over them even if it's all done for me, other weeks I'd have plenty of time.

Does he work? Does he normally take this long to do things?

ToelessPobble · 04/10/2020 15:42

Unless he is paying why bother waiting. You are also risking him to choose the one furthest from you just to inconvenience you. You need to get in fast as nursery places can be like gold dust so if you really want his opinion I would say he needs to send it in the order of first second and third choice by Wednesday.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 15:43

Trying to find this out actually. As it not compulsory education I don't think legally I have to, buy I have always tried to keep him informed on our dc even though currently he is trying to convince the courts I don't, thankfully always kept a paper trail.

I just really don't think it should take over a week to look at nursery options, all 3 are very good so sort of feel like it's a) another form of control and b) that really unless it's something that will benefit him he really isn't interested.

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 04/10/2020 15:43

@WhenISnappedAndFarted If he has time to have his child three weekends out of four he can find half an hour during the day or at night to have a look at them. It feels potentially like he is trying to make life difficult.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 15:46

@WhenISnappedAndFarted he does work but always finds time to go out for drinks after work or send obscene amounts of pointless emails. With regards to doing things, yes unless it benefits him it very rarely gets done.

@ToelessPobble only reason I'm waiting is because I wasn't sure if it falls under parental responsibility.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/10/2020 15:55

You are primary carer so you choose childcare, let him try and take it to court if he objects...

He's still trying to control you!

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 17:34

I do feel that is the case @RandomMess, I consistently try to give him a chance and yet he'll mess around.

Didn't realised I needed him to agree on a nursery, makes it easier for me. But he definitely will raise it in court.

OP posts:
Harmarsuperstar · 04/10/2020 17:42

I never even considered asking my ex anything like this. I just told him. It was my decision, and not like he'd ever be dropping off or picking up ds anyway

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 17:58

Only reason Ive asked is because he has made so many allegations about me in court so trying to cover myself. Like I have him dcs GPs details.. few months later tried to accused me of getting dc tested for something (I didn't), he didn't bother asking me and nor did he try contacting the GP just made this crazy allegation which I could prove untrue. There is other crap too. But yes I just wanted to cover myself as the allegations were making me anxious, should just get used to it.

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 04/10/2020 18:46

Basically the court looks at what is in the best interests of the child. Your ex has been given a chance to have his say but that doesn't mean it overrides your opinions. I would choose the nursery, record your reasons and let your ex know and that should be sufficient evidence for the court along with the text showing he did not see fit to find time to look. There is nothing that says both parents have to agree on which nursery. It is nice if they do but it is never going to happen in every case.

ToelessPobble · 04/10/2020 18:47

From the false allegations the court will soon realise that this is about coercive control and not the child's best interests on his part. He will be given contact still but you won't get your knuckles rapped for getting on and making decisions about day to day life.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 04/10/2020 21:51

Hopefully court will see it @ToelessPobble, even tonight he could have a look and still nothing, nada. I find it frustrating that he'll ramble on about how he is such a caring father to anyone who will listen but when it comes to actually being involved, unless it benefits him, he isn't interested.

I think I've been fair in giving him a chance to have a say, if he chooses not to then that is his business.

OP posts:
Original poster
Survivingastorm · 05/10/2020 23:21

Still nothing, does anyone thing I should remind him once more? I've already sent the original email and a reminder..

Also he said he wanted to see dc on their birthday which is in the next week but to date hasn't contacted me to say what time he would like to take them out. Again should I remind him?

Sort of feelings like I'm still in a relationship having to remind him to remember our child.

OP posts:
Davros · 06/10/2020 00:13

No don't remind him again

RandomMess · 06/10/2020 09:02

No don't remind him.

Make your plans with DC for birthday if his last minute request clashes it's tough shit.

This is all classic controlling behaviour...

When it goes to court he will get fixed contact none of this pandering to what he wants. Don't be afraid of court!

ToelessPobble · 06/10/2020 11:27

Absolutely no more reminders. Get on and book the nursery. He chose not to be involved and you can document you sent him the information. With the birthday work out a fair schedule and let him know what it is. You are pandering to someone very controlling who is going to play on it no end as a way to control and manipulate you and cause as much distress as possible.

ToelessPobble · 06/10/2020 11:29

I would contact women's aid and see if they are running the freedom course or have a support worker who can go through the situation with you. It will help you see it with fresh eyes and find strategies to not allow the control to continue x

RandomMess · 06/10/2020 12:34

If you want to offer a chance of input to cover your back in court you can email him with options and state clearly if you do not give an opinion/contact time request then I will make the decision on my own/make my plans.

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 06/10/2020 13:37

Thank you @ToelessPobble and @RandomMess. I am in contact with women's aid and currently waiting to do a course, not the freedom programme though, hopefully will be starting it next month.

So I haven't reminded him about the nurseries, I'm going to see the nursery I liked the most tomorrow, I already sent him the options with links etc and reminded him and still nothing so I'm just going to book dc in and if ex raises it in court at least I have tried.

With dc birthday, he was the one who asked to spend a few hours with them if he could take time off work, this was via his solicitor which I agreed to last week but not heard anything about it since. So I've email him asking to let me know by the end of today, if he doesn't Ill make my own plans and he will just have to fit in.. or not, feel like he won't turn up anyway.

OP posts:
ToelessPobble · 06/10/2020 17:36

Well done @Survivingastorm!

Davros · 06/10/2020 18:51

I hope you emailed about the birthday via the solicitor

Original poster
Survivingastorm · 07/10/2020 21:47

@Davros I didn't go through the solicitor as he keeps trying to suggest I'm running up his fees, what I have done is saved the emails and his response. As expected he is now saying he cannot see dc on their birthday but wants a video call, which is fine, however won't give me a time and has asked that I message him when dc is free.. knowing him I'll text and he will say he is too busy etc.

All this and ironically nothing still about the nurseries, so I've applied for the one I like and will inform him. Which will be fun Hmm

OP posts:
RandomMess · 07/10/2020 22:39

Don't bother telling him about your childcare arrangements, you don't need to.

Re birthday:

"In that case We will video call at 7.30am " or half an hour after DC usually wake up.

Take back the power!! You don't want it hanging over you or let him play games with you.

If he rejects that just don't bother replying.

Davros · 07/10/2020 23:54

Survivingastorm what an arse he is! Very best of luck, you sound great and a good mum Thanks

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