How to deal with a relatives wedding anniversary after a death.

[marmite79]

It would have been my grandma and grandads wedding anniversary this week. He died earlier this year living my grandma a widow.. they would have been married for nearly 60 years (58 years I think). They got married young and his death was sudden (in his 70’s and not in too bad health beforehand).

Posting here for traffic so not strictly an aibu, sorry! 🌸

But what do I do? How do I approach it?

First time I’ve lost a close family member 😭

How do I approach her I mean! 🌸

What do I say and do to make her feel better?

Could you ask her how she would like to mark the occasion?

Nothing you can say or do will make her feel better, but acknowledging their day, spending time with her if you can in person, or calling her.

Ask her if she would prefer to spend the day with you/others if possible, or if she would prefer time on her own.

Absolutely be guided by her. She might want to talk about him and their wedding day, she might not want to.

@ButtWormHole

Could you ask her how she would like to mark the occasion?

And IF. Some people don't. We don't mark wedding anniversary of my parents, since now it's just a parent. Death did them part. But everyone is different.

Just nicely ask her if she wants to do anything and if yes, what is it.

Speaking from experience as I was widowed I was touched when people remembered. Just let her know you are thinking of her and ask if she'd like to do anything. The first one is especially painful and I found the days leading up to it were more difficult than the day itself

We always used to ring or visit (not near us) my MIL to wish her happy anniversary even though my FIL died 20 years before I met my husband, and she loved to have their day remembered. I suppose a start would be to visit with some flowers and say you were thinking of her today. If she wants to talk about him a lot then it's a good cue that next time she would appreciate it. But also recognising that the first one will be the hardest.

We buy my mom flowers for her anniversary.

My grandparents wedding anniversary is the day after ours, they’re our lucky charm. The first anniversary after my grandad died, I rang my grandma. I had to thank her for anniversary card anyway but i would have called her anyway. I just took my lead from her about what to talk about. She wanted to talk about my grandad and their wedding and our wedding, so I let her lead and tell me whichever story she wanted to. If she didn’t want to talk about grandad I’d have waffled about something else just so she had something else to focus on. I was going to send her flowers but she said the only person that she wanted to send her flowers was my grandad so we just left it. On the big anniversary, my grandma asked if we could all go for a meal to celebrate otherwise we keep it pretty low key.

I sent my auntie flowers after my uncle died. Put a note on the card saying how much we all missed him and although it was going to be a difficult day, we were all thinking of her and remembering him.

You can't really go wrong with flowers and a card to say you are thinking of her. If she is nearby perhaps you could take her out for lunch (covid permitting?).

Def give her a ring if you can't go and see her on the day - she will be feeling especially sad that day.

My Grampa died 15 years before my granny. I'd call her I their anniversary every year, tell her I was thinking of them both and we'd chat about family stories. The funnier the better.

I promise all she'll care about is hearing from you and knowing you care enough to call and think of her.

Just let her know you're thinking of her and ask how she'd like to spend the day.

My sister and I never really acknowledged our parents' anniversary but we lost our dad (62) last year and my mum finds days like this difficult. This year, rather than her be home alone thinking about him, we went out for lunch. It was a nice distraction for her and we spoke about my dad loads which was lovely.

I know the loss of a partner is different from losing a parent so I wasn't sure what was best, however, we've found it's nice to mark the day in some way that doesn't put too much pressure on my mum but it definitely does help her to have company for a bit, however brief.

My DF died a few months before their 60th wedding anniversary
I took her flowers and out for lunch to mark the day and reminisce
DM has Alzheimer’s and is better down memory lane than in the here and now

The first Wedding anniversary After my husband died. My 3 grown up sons sent me a thinking of you card and some lovely flowers. It meant the world to me as the day was another one full of memories and I was struggling.

I spoke to my step mum before the first wedding anniversary after my dad died and checked if she wanted to mark it. I send her flowers each year and we have a chat about their wedding.