Boisterous boys and a playdate

[Member345787]

DS7 is a sporty, energetic boy who can be boisterous during play with his classmates. He has a lovely friend group who appear very similar in nature. I genuinely believe he means no harm but he doesn't know his own strength, and he easily becomes overenthusiastic e.g. in a tussle over a ball. Neither DH or I tolerate play that becomes too rough, and have encouraged DS to consider others feelings during play.

We became aware at the beginning of 2020 that one of his classmates' parents was unhappy with the rough play at school (through their own son who told DS). We used this opportunity to talk to DS about consequences for his actions and how rough play can be harmful, and how this had resulted in these parents not being happy to have him over for playdates etc. This same parent mentioned to me last month that things had improved before lockdown, and there have been no issues that I am aware of since school returned.

My dilemma is that this classmate has invited DS and two other boys to a zoo trip to celebrate his birthday (rule of 6 so DS, birthday boy, two classmates and birthday boy's two parents). The parents have said in the message that they are happy to invite DS because things have improved, however the two classmates can be equally boisterous and I am worried that DS may become overexcited on the trip.

Do I refuse the invitation and explain my rationale to the parents - I don't think they will be offended by the refusal.
Do I speak to DS and explain how important it is to behave nicely?
Do I offer to drop off/pick up DS at the zoo so I can oversee beginning and end of the trip - I can't offer to go because of the rule of 6.
Should I stop overthinking it as DH has suggested?

Not sure i would take my own 4 dc to a zoo in the current situation never mind host a birthday day out.. 4 lots of hands to keep clean!
Imo yabu to let him go irrelevant of his behaviour.

I would set out very clear expectations with DS - no physical contact (so no chance for it to go too far), do what he is told immediately (eg stop, wash hands). Talk about what might make it difficult, what he could do if another boy is teasing him to join in etc. Then have a chat to the parents and say what ground rules you've set out, and ask them to let you know if there’s a problem.

Could you offer to pick him up mid party if there was a problem? If not, you need a clear consequence that he knows about in advance if you find out he hasn’t kept to the rules.

And you’re just the sort of mum I’d like to know I’d much rather avert an issue than deal with it on a special birthday trip.

@Sunnydaysstillhere I agree even under normal circumstances as I am not sure that the parents with their only child appreciate how challenging it can be to keep an eye on four boys at once. We are in East of England so low case numbers though

@GenericFemalePal thank you so much! I feel awful saying that I don't trust my DS but it is more like I don't trust DS not to get carried away. Some good suggestions here thank you

If it were me I would politely refuse but offer to facilitate an outdoor local play date with the birthday boy.

Ur sons personality doesn't quite sit right with these very judgy people and asking ur son to change his personality while being on an exciting trip to the zoo is u reasonable.

Better to avoid the situation but limit the disappointment by offering a 1:1 play date where there is less likelihood of over excitement but still allowing ur child to be himself. Also if ur organising the play date if things become out of control will be on hand to ensure the appropriate amount of guidance is given to ur son.

Wont you all be meeting at the zoo as cant travel in car together?

Will your son respond if you tell him that for this playdate there should be no physical play at all? These people sound quite judgy. Obviously there is a limit to physical play but they sound quite uptight about it.

Clearly the mother is telling you that your son is responsible for the behaviour she didn't like BUT he has improved somewhat.

If you are not confident that your child won't misbehave/ignore instructions/run off/mess etc.......I would decline.

At 7 you should be confident but you are not.

Best to err on the side of caution.

Continue talking to him about improving.

The behaviour must be full on for this to be such an issue.

It is a responsibility to take other children out, I didn't do it with children that wouldn't follow instructions.

If you keep reminding him how it's important to behave and follow instructions, particularly outside the house, he will improve.

Ordinarily I would say go, but if he gets rough then pick him up straight away. Trouble is, you would be relying on the other parents to have the deciding vote, so something that you might consider fine, they might not. I am a big believer in consequences of behaviour, but he will be upset if he misses out half way through because they have different standards. Don't believe that would teach him much at all.

I doubt these ppl are uptight if OPs DS is ‘boisterous’ to the point they think they can’t manage him!
Boisterous and rough are polite words for no control and thinks hitting/shoving are ok, I can’t stand parents who think it’s acceptable for boys to be like this, being a boy isn’t an excuse to be a bully.