No return to intimacy or sex after illness

[Sexlessinthirties]

Me and hubbie have not had sex for over 2 years (he's been very very ill, but he's better now)

We've become more carer and patient then husband and wife and now I don't know how to get the intimacy back. I'm only in my 30s but can't imagine our relationship getting back to the way it was before he was so poorly and that makes me very sad.

AIBU for feeling this way (I love him to bits and will be forever grateful he survived.)

You need to talk to him or seduce him.

I recommend both

It won’t change. You should strongly consider leaving.

Have you talked to him about your feelings

Talk to him. What does he say?

What does he think about it? I do agree that it can be awkward to ‘get back on the horse’ if you haven’t been intimate for years but I wondered if he actually wanted to, or whether you felt his illness had permanently changed his capacity.

Agree, talk to him. Maybe he feels somehow unattractive (for want of words) if you’ve had to provide intimate care. I’ve read something along those lines...

You need to find your new normal. It won’t go back to before but it can move forward to new and more intense and committed and loving but sexual too. You need to look at what has changed and what aspects can now stop eg over-involved in his physical care? Being too obsessed about his health?

@AutumnSummersBuffysCousin

It won’t change. You should strongly consider leaving.

What a horrible comment. He's been very unwell by the sounds of it and the dynamic of the relationship has changed. Have you at least talked to him op?

You really need to talk, maybe even some marriage counselling.

I appreciate that a major illness can change a relationship, but that's not to say it can't recover. It may be a case of your DH not being able to see himself as desirable after being a patient, especially as you became his carer - you will have seen him at his most vulnerable and exposed. It's tough to jump from partner to patient and back again, just as it is, I'm sure, to jump from partner to carer to partner again, although reading your post you have done this or are ready and willing to.

In addition, he may be struggling with his mental health in general after being so ill, I had awful PTSD after being very ill, which affected every part of my life - including sex.

You're young, and this is not the marriage you want (which it very much sounds like it isn't, understandably so), but if this is the only reason there are problems in the marriage, don't give up just yet. Serious illness, even if you recover physically, can be life changing - but a happy and fulfilling life (marriage, sex life etc.) can be rebuilt with time and effort.

Can I just ask - you say you haven't had sex in 2 years, is that 2 years since his recovery or since he got ill? If the latter how long has it been since his recovery?

We've been there. H's illness took a huge toll on our marriage and I said exactly the same he was more of a patient than a husband.

I think we actually had to start from scratch, to start with just affection and becoming closer. Spending time together and getting that relationship back and now it is.

Dont put too much pressure on each other. Introduce cuddles and time together first and hopefully sex will feel a natural progression.

@AutumnSummersBuffysCousin

It won’t change. You should strongly consider leaving.

This is rubbish if you still love each other and want to be together.