To not worry about DD on diet when she used to have an eating disorder?

[Roisin333]

DD 21 used to have anorexia, between the ages of 15-17. Obviously it was quite serious and she was very underweight. It was a scary time for us and her, however, eventually she had some health issues due to her very low weight and actually went to the doctor herself, unprompted and slowly started recovery. It was definitely hard for her, however a massive driving force for her recovery was focusing on her health.

At the time, DD was mortified by the damage she had done to herself and despite some initial issues, she was very cooperative with CAMHS, her recovery plan, etc... Even her doctors noted that she was very strong willed and determined to get better, which was nothing short of wonderful considering how ill she was and how anorexia can be such a gripping, long term mental illness. .

Some back story: When DD initially recovered, mental health services encouraged her to gain towards the higher end of BMI. This was mainly a safety measure in case she relapsed, and based on evidence that this can help with health restoration.

Aged 19, DD lost about a stone through purposeful dieting. Her logic was that she felt mentally ready and wanted to lose the weight to get to a (healthy) weight she felt more comfortable at. She was absolutely fine, however her father was very upset and felt she was relapsing. However, as I was the parent she was living with, I put my foot down and said she was fine. Which she was, there were no issues and she lost no more weight than the amount she had as her goal.

DD put the weight back on over lockdown. Two months ago, she started dieting down back to her goal weight. Again, she was very open about it. She’s now lost the weight, seems very happy and confident.

However, her father has since messaged me and said he has noticed her weight lost and is worried. He wants me to speak to her, or he will speak to her himself. DD no longer lives with me, but we’ve spent a fair amount of time together since lockdown ended and I have no concerns about her mental health. I also think she is an adult (albeit a young one) and at this point we cannot constantly act as if we are monitoring her weight.

I have absolutely no doubts that my DD is a young woman who has a healthy attitude to food and simply wanted to lose some weight. I have no concerns whatsoever. However, ex-DH is determined to say something to her. Last time this happened he created a massive fuss, started monitoring her food intake when she spent time with him, etc... to the point she felt uncomfortable being around him. They have a tumultuous relationship at times and I don’t think I am being unreasonable to not want this to occur again.

Am I being unreasonable or am I being sensible and treating my DD like an adult? How much concern should a parent have for a child who used to have an eating disorder, however has not relapsed in four years and is now a young adult?

"My DD is a young woman who has a healthy attitude to food and simply wanted to lose some weight."

If she had an eating disorder, she isn't. Speaking as someone who had an eating disorder and "recovered" it will never really leave you - you have to give up your idea of a goal weight in order to get better. Unless she is morbidly obese, the concept of dieting is restrictive and therefore dangerous.

I'd say you can treat her like an adult and don't immediately have to whip her into a rehab, but it IS something you should keep an eye on. If she is relapsing, of course she won't say, "Hey mum, I'm planning on starving myself" because she knows you'll get in the way of her getting to her 'goal weight'. Sorry if this is brutal but it's true.

Just keep your eye on her and make sure she's doing alright - from my perspective you need to be in a middle ground between you and her father's opinion.

“Dieting” is not a healthy attitude to food. It’s being conscious of food intake, limiting it or abstaining from it, feeling deprived of things one might ordinarily eat. It sounds like a recipe for disaster for someone with a history of EDs.

Get her to have a look at RebelFit. It’s an anti-diet group, totally against any form of diet or before/after pics and focussed instead on reducing stress in your life (one of the main causes of overeating and weight gain, due to the effects on your adrenals etc) and might be a healthier approach for your DD than counting calories/carbs/restricting timings or food groups.

Young dumb-

Thanks for the perspective. I suppose the reason I am not worried is because she dieted to a similar weight last time (making her a size 8 which she says she feels most comfortable at) and was this weight for two years. She had disordered eating as young as 11, so it’s definitely been long term. Her eating habits have struck as normal and healthy since she fully recovered. She eats chocolate, she snacks, she makes an effort to have a balanced diet but still eats what she wants. She goes to the gym, but also doesn’t care if she doesn’t go to the gym.

However, I appreciate this is only my view.

I suppose I would feel concerned enough to interfere if she reached below the weight she ‘normally’ is- she’s only 5”0 so any weight loss is fairly obvious.

I still feel nothing needs to be mentioned for now, however, I will of course remain vigilant and offer my support always.

MarkRuffaloCrumble-

AFAIK her idea of a diet was simply snacking less and making more of an effort to be ‘healthy.’ She came round for dinner last week and still ate a normal portion and dessert, and after years of dealing with her illness I’m pretty vigilant at spotting signs of it.

She says she does not count calories, however of course that could just be what she tells me.

I’ll tell her to have a look at RebelFit.

It’s just hard to know where the line is of being her parent and also respecting that she’s an adult now.

@Roisin333

Young dumb-

Thanks for the perspective. I suppose the reason I am not worried is because she dieted to a similar weight last time (making her a size 8 which she says she feels most comfortable at) and was this weight for two years. She had disordered eating as young as 11, so it’s definitely been long term. Her eating habits have struck as normal and healthy since she fully recovered. She eats chocolate, she snacks, she makes an effort to have a balanced diet but still eats what she wants. She goes to the gym, but also doesn’t care if she doesn’t go to the gym.

However, I appreciate this is only my view.

I suppose I would feel concerned enough to interfere if she reached below the weight she ‘normally’ is- she’s only 5”0 so any weight loss is fairly obvious.

I still feel nothing needs to be mentioned for now, however, I will of course remain vigilant and offer my support always.

As much as it's difficult to accept - the weight she wants to be is not always the weight she should be. In my opinion (and this is based solely on personal opinion and experience) when recovering from an eating disorder, you usually have to keep yourself on the higher end of healthy weight as a bit of a safety net. Is she overweight? Because that's the only good reason for "dieting" (albeit not a very good one at that). From what you've said I'm assuming she's not and so this could easily be a sign of relapse.

For example, when I was 15/16 I used to eat a portion of dinner with my parents for that exact reason - so they could believe "Oh, we see her eat with us every night so she must be fine." Except what they didn't see was that I wasn't eating at all for the rest of the day, and was covering up weight loss with huge items of clothing.

Do you have any personal experience of an eating disorder? I can understand it might be hard to see the warning signs if you've not personally experienced one. All I can say is dieting is not healthy (particularly for a person of average weight) and is a possible symptom that her restriction might be coming back. x

Anorexia is a form of self harm and method of control when life is out of control if she is happy with the rest of her life she may be dieting.
As an ex anorexic myself I also help with a support group an important part of anorexia it never leaves you, you don't recover it is like any destructive behaviours drugs or alcohol addiction your on the road to recovery each day is a silent battle to keep well.
Every time something terrible happens it is a trigger your appetite stops.

Your XP sounds far more of a threat to her mental health than you do, in terms of a possible relapse TBH. I've struggled with ED since my early teens & I would have found his attitude stifling & quite triggering.

I would be very concerned and monitoring it closely. A diet can be all it takes to change someone's brain back into patterns of restriction and negative mindset surrounding food/calories.
I say this myself as a 20 year old who was obese and went on a diet 2 years ago which has caused me to develop anorexia.
Now I would be extremely wary of seeing anyone on a diet, but especially with your DD's history I would be very worried.
Maybe my view is tainted by my own ED however.

Tbh, I would have a word to her. I would let her know how very proud I was of her for overcoming such a monster. Let her know how you have total faith that she is in control of what she is doing, and that if you didn’t, you’d be having words. Then drop into the conversation that her Dad hasn’t let go of the fear he went through with her, and he is worried, so perhaps it’s best if she doesn’t mention “the D word” around him for the time being, as it increases his anxiety.

Afraid to say that I'd be concerned about this to be honest.

As a survivor of an ED myself, part of recovery was having to completely give up the idea of dieting or restricting food in order to achieve a certain body type. The whole concept of dieting is extremely damaging and for someone who has already suffered an ED, very much a slippery slope.

She might start off with a relatively healthy attitude towards it but it's so so easy to fall back down a very dark path, and as she's not living with you now will be able to hide it much more easily.

Also bear in mind that size 8 is very slim, and isn't a 'natural' body size for most people - if she is having to stay on a constant diet to maintain that size, eventually she will 'fall off the wagon' and gain weight (which has clearly happened once already). That will only get more pronounced as she gets older and her metabolism naturally slows down a bit. She might feel happiest as a size 8, but it's really not good for her mental health if she can't stay there without restricting her diet, and I'd be highly worried that she would fall back into a full blown ED if she's not careful.

Of course it is possible to eat more healthily and perhaps cut down on biscuits or whatever - without that being problematic. But 'dieting' with the specific goal of losing weight - that's something I would be very wary of.

So she had disordered eating not for 2 years but since she was 11?

And since 'recovering' she has twice gained and lost a stone within a period of 3-4 years?

No, she has still has disordered eating I'm afraid.

I am another recovered ED sufferer which was severe at the age that your daughter was ill. You never fully recover and I echo what others have said. It only takes a spell of dieting or restricting food/ exercising to become obsessive again. The experts recommend letting yourself put on a bit of weight for a good reason . Much better to let go of focus on your body.

I still relapse 20 years later when I try to diet . You should watch out for this and not encourage her to diet. In terms of her life she was ill very recently and would relapse quickly.

My eating disorder began because of a diet, and every relapse since. Only way I have kicked it is to let go of dieting and focus on health and mental wellbeing rather than weight / clothes size

I have had and have recovered from an ed and I agree with all the posters who say they would be concerned. It isn't something that just goes away. Size 8 may not be your daughters natural size. We all have a different 'set point' that our body is comfortable with. Aiming consistently below this point (which you only know by NOT strictly dieting - your body will just find its way there) will be dangerous for someone who has a history of an ed. Can your dd look into some more therapy - even though she might be 'recovered' work can be done with body image to get her happier with herself? And to help her become more flexible in her thinking.