Inequality in paying back or paying for things

[Okokokitsout]

I'm being petty about this but just want a little rant.

In a family relationship people pay for things at times, sometimes it's paid back other times it's someone gets coffee etc, but am I the only one who feels this isn't always equal? But equally I don't feel like I want to start keeping tabs.

The background to this is I've just paid a family member a small amount of money owed. This money has made no difference to my finances and that's not the point. But I do often pay for things and wouldn't ask for money.

Paying them this time has annoyed me as we did pay for some food for a family group a little while ago as we collected the food. Said family member didn't give us any money, I reminded them very casually weeks later but they didn't give the money. It was £30 so not here or there but I reminded them as they always remind me.

I'm close to this person but it just irritates me that I don't feel were as equally relaxed about money around each other. AIBU(probably) to find this irritating?

Yanbu. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, maybe start asking to be paid back as they’re clearly taking advantage of you.

What do they say when you remind them? If it happened too often I’d say “we’re quits, remember I got xxx last time?” if they mentioned being owed money.

YANBU, and you’re not being petty at all.

The way to deal with this is not to offer to pay for them anymore. You could also gave the right cash on you so you can just pay the right money for yourself. Removes that awkward sense of obligation to pay for it all on your card.

Of course it’s nice when you can treat each other but not when person takes the piss and is a CF!

Is it the same person? Why didn't you say, "here's the twenty quid minus the tender you owe me"?

Tenner

There's an app called split wise that might suit your situation

Yes same person. The money for food was about 30 pounds and from a day out in August. Then this was something accidentally bought on their card as we share a family account for Netflix. I'd just written off the money owed. But then as I just paid them back I remembered about it. I also feel like ifyih ask someone more than once and they don't aren't you they arent going to! I also think maybe they had forgotten and as it was different things too I just left it. So I'm being a pushover probably.

I might try split actually. Or I have heard of other money sharing apps like venmo.

I think it annoys me as her husband is really mean with money. So I'm not sure if it is behaviour which comes from him. But it dies annoy me as I know he certainly wouldn't let it go and some things for example the food was for both of them.

I can't be doing with people who are 'laid back' with my money like that.

Yep. There are definitely people who are very quick to remind you of money you owe them and very quick to forget when it's the other way round. Very annoying!

Okay, so IMO if you accidentally bought something from their card, that SHOULD be paid back. But with regards to days out/meals etc I always make sure we've sorted out who's paying before it even starts. So we'll decide if we're splitting the cost, or if it's someone's treat etc. I think even if someone does treat you, that doesn't necessarily mean you owe them, UNLESS it's an agreement that if they pay this time, you'll pay next time.

I have different kinds of arrangements for things like this with various groups of friends and family, and it depends which group we're with at the time.

I always have to pay people back ASAP or it plays on my mind (I think that's an anxiety thing) but other people are more lax about it and chances are they just haven't even thought about it.

Don't leave it so long next time. After the event, send a message saying hey I loved today, it was fun! Could you please send me the £x.xx whenever you can so I know it's sorted?

That's what I'd do, anyway.

@LindaEllen

We paid as no one else had cash. So it was definitely an expectation to pay back. I did ask when we got home like next day or a few days later. I'm happy to pay back for purchase and have done. It just got me thinking how there is an inequality in asking for pay back.

I treat plenty of times and she did bring me some stuff when I was ill recently. So it's otherwise a close relationship. Which is why I find this hard as I just feel it's unequal. But I'm also very good a remembering if I owe money. Maybe she is just more forgetful and I shouldn't take it personally?

Just don't let them take the mickey. It's happened once, write that off to experience. For the future don't share money with them. Or take money owed by them out of the amounts before you give money back as a PP suggested.

If her husband is mean with money, doe he prevent her having access to cash to repay you, or kick up a fuss and make her life miserable if she does?

@Thelnebriati

If her husband is mean with money, doe he prevent her having access to cash to repay you, or kick up a fuss and make her life miserable if she does?

No She has her own account. Plus they ahce a shared one for bills. She earns more than him. But I do wonder if she's more on it with budgeting because of how he is.

In that case as its starting to annoy you, I'd keep track from now on.

Thanks for the advice though. I'm not normally a person who struggles with being assertive. My partner says I'm way more forgiving with this person than I would be with other people. So maybe it's just a weak spot!

If that were my sister I’d have just said something like, well I’m still waiting for you to repay me for ‘whatever’, let’s call it quits then.

demonstratively write it all down in a small accounts book and give them a summary each month in the form of an invoice?

I’ve had similar with my sister. I’ve often but not always paid for her and kids because she’s a SAHM and I work FT. One time she paid for both of us and I clean forgot. It was about £15 for my meal. If I had remembered I would have paid her.
The problem was she didn’t just send a quick text asking for the money, she stewed on it for months and then day blew up that I never paid her the £15.

I stopped paying for her after that!

Yeah I don't want the end up blowing up about it! I think this is why I need to maybe change how I deal with it now as its not nice for rent ment to build.
She is caring and does things for me. I do a lot for her as I don't have children and she does.

@Okokokitsout I think her having kids and you not is part of the reason why she’s doing this.

She may do a lot for you but I’m sure you do a lot for her too. I definitely agree start dealing with it now whether it’s the splitwise app, carrying cash etc

You need to be upfront and set clear rules/boundaries. When I started going on holiday with my boyfriend, I set out rules from the outset. We had a "purse" each to buy things individually, such as souvenirs, and a "joint" purse for things we bought together of similar value, such as meals/snacks etc. We both put equal amounts of money in the joint purse from our private purses. It worked really well and we took that into later life, marriage, buying a house, etc. I know you're not talking about relationship finance, but the big gain/benefit was that by being upfront, we avoided any ambiguity or unpleasantness. No point with hints etc - being upfront is far better.