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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to keep emotional boundaries with friend?

17 replies

Againanothername · 03/10/2020 15:16

I have a friend who is always on social media talking about her mental health, good or bad. She mostly posts advice to others and shares how she has got her life back on track and what self-care she is doing, but also posts when she is having a ‘bad day’ and sometimes goes quiet for a few days or weeks, to later come back and explain she had a rough patch.

We have been friends since we were children, she has always needed a lot of attention, I understand that she seeks it because she needs it and I will happily give it to her. I ask her how she is, check in with her, react positively to her posts, etc.

It’s not an equal friendship and never really has been, she doesn’t ask how I am or demonstrate much concern when I have been going through a shit time. She has good intentions and wants the best for everyone, she is just very wrapped up in herself. I accept that about her, I know not to take it personally, she cares about me in her own way and it’s just the way she is. We have a lot of fun when we are together and are such old friends it’s like being family.

Anyway she’s having a ‘down patch’ and has not replied to my last 3 messages (over a month). I know she is okay because she is married and has family close by, so I know she has a support network (I live hundreds of miles away). Having ‘quiet spells’ is a sort of unintentionally manipulative thing that she does sometimes, I know she is doing it to see how many texts she gets and whether anybody cares. Hence I have sent several messages, receiving no reply.

I know that I must not to get sucked into the mind game and should just get on with my life until she’s ready to re-engage, but I am annoyed with myself because I keep checking her social media and she keeps coming up in my thoughts and even my dreams. My mom also sees her social media and is regularly asking me “have you heard from X, is she okay?” Our mutual friends are also texting me asking if I’ve spoken to her.

How can I put her out of my mind and stop her dominating conversations?? I have reached out multiple times, she clearly doesn’t want to talk.
Have you got friends like this?? How do you deal with it kindly but without becoming over-invested??
Argh!
Sorry for the long post...

OP posts:

D4rwin · 03/10/2020 15:20

I doubt she has a quiet patch in order to see how many messages she gets. Mostly people suffering with uncommunicative spells are keeping their shitty days from public consumption. You sound very backstabbing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 15:23

You don’t sound back stabbing at all. FFS.

I don’t have any advice OP other than to really think about what this relationship means to you. You might have known her a long time and she might be fun but she doesn’t seem to care about you at all. That must be hurtful and you’re not obligated by history to remaining part of a one-way dynamic supporting and worrying about someone who doesn’t even ask you how you are and isn’t there for you in your own times of need.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2020 15:24

Mostly people suffering with uncommunicative spells are keeping their shitty days from public consumption

While some of them splash them all over social media. Like the friend does from time to time.

Original poster

Againanothername · 03/10/2020 15:25

@D4rwin Well you’re welcome to your opinion of course. But what do you think I should be doing differently? I have already messaged and called to check if she’s okay but she doesn’t reply. My dilemma is how to personally move on from this? Clearly I do care or I wouldn’t be posting here would I?

OP posts:

D4rwin · 03/10/2020 15:30

Or just enjoying a bit of drama? Sorry. You're not sounding very genuine. You are acting as though you're performing some great act of charity by going out of your way to bother messaging her. Id imagine she'd feel very betrayed were she to read this.

Woundedadmiral · 03/10/2020 15:31

Tell yourself and others "I've attempted to check in but she clearly needs some family time and it's been left that she'll get in touch when she's ready."

That's the truth. And if necessary add "I find it stressful and unproductive to pester her. Our friendship works best when she asks for support on her own terms. I know she has people around her and will be in touch when she feels she can."

Readandwalk · 03/10/2020 15:36

You've done right as a friend by messaging her. She will be back in touch if she wants. She has support as you say so personally I'd leave it at that especially as the friendship feels one sided.

I speak as one who has clinical depression and on meds for it. I go to my go to supports as I realise most people can't help and I don't want to be a burden. My go to supports are professionals and a fee very very close friends.

Theres so much nonsense about saying that everyone cares about mental health. They don't. It is up to your friend to work out her support and use them.

Youve messaged and got no response. I'd leave it.

billy1966 · 03/10/2020 15:41

I think you should respect her quiet time and back away.
Do not repeatedly text her.

Focus on why you are so consumed by someone who you have clearly stated is very wrapped up in herself.

A healthy person would leave her to it.
Answer any questions with "I've no idea, perhaps you should contact her".

She sounds tedious and hard work.

Mind YOURSELF OP

ThousandsAreSailing · 03/10/2020 15:42

I'd put the ball in her court when she is like this
1 message saying thinking of you/love to you, get in touch when you feel ready xxx
Job done. If she genuinely doesn't feel able to have contact she knows you are waiting until she is ready, if shes playing an attention seeking game you are making it clear you are not playing

AfterSchoolWorry · 03/10/2020 15:47

I wouldn't entertain someone like this in the first place.

Don't be a pleaser.

OfTheNight · 03/10/2020 15:54

I’d just say you’re there when she’s ready and forget it.

But to be honest, if you feel she’s just manipulative and holding out to see how many texts she gets, why are you friends with her? If she’s doing that, she’s clearly not a nice person.

ColleagueFromMars · 03/10/2020 16:07

Are you sure it's such a good friendship, overall? "It's not an equal friendship and never really has been" speaks volumes to me. A person who never asks how I am and had never shown much concern for me in my harder times and yet is happy to expect that from me isn't a friend worth keeping in my opinion. I'll be flamed for this because she has mental health issues, but it sounds like it's literally never been anything but one sided.

If it were me I'd back right off. Unfollow her on Facebook, stop going to her page to look. Have a think about how much your are willing to give to somebody who has proven over decades that they aren't ever interested in you.

I have ended friendships for far less. It is normal and natural for the attention to oscillate between each of you depending on what is going on in your lives. This isn't normal oscillation, this is and has always been give by you and take by her. There is only one person in my life I tolerate that from and she has life long mental health problems, but as a natural giver I really have to limit my interactions with her. It just drains me too much.

tigertreats · 03/10/2020 16:19

How about send her a letter (more personal than a text). Say you're thinking of her and hope she's well- maybe say you don't want to bombard her with messages if she's having a difficult time but ask her to get in touch when she's ready? I'm not sure what else you can do - follow up with a nice Xmas card.
We don't know whether she is struggling or being slightly controlling but it doesn't really matter she's clearly not well. Give her every chance to be in touch and then when you think of her do so fondly but move on.
Hope it gets resolved it's so sad watching a friend go through a difficult time.
X

LeilaDarling · 04/10/2020 14:32

Friendships with people like this can be draining if you can’t switch off. Don’t chase her and as PP says above advise others to contact her directly. I feel for you x

Fedupoftheworld · 04/10/2020 14:46

You sound very judgemental if I’m honest.

Having ‘quiet spells’ is a sort of unintentionally manipulative thing that she does sometimes, I know she is doing it to see how many texts she gets and whether anybody cares. how do you know this? It’s very common with people who suffer mental health to withdraw, doesn’t mean they’re doing it for attention.

hypochondriacseveywhere · 04/10/2020 14:48

Tbh she doesn't even sound like a friend to you. I'd be backing off.

Mittens030869 · 04/10/2020 15:34

Is it really a mind game when she goes quiet, though? I have MH issues (in my case PTSD as a result of childhood SA and more recently CFS) and when I'm feeling low I don't comment on social media, I retreat into myself.

But then, although I'm in Facebook, I say very little about how I'm actually feeling because I tend to maintain a mask with most people. But I do have friends on Facebook who share more about their mental health. When they do, I reply to their message by saying I'm thinking of them, but I leave it at that and if they don't say anything for a few days, I don't assume that they're doing it for attention.

I think you need to disengage from her. As you said, she has support where she's living, so you're not really in a position to help, as you live away from her.

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