To think that a relationship can't grow if there are secrets?

[6079SmithW]

I'm finally in a good relationship. I've found a man who is kind and caring that I like spending time with (and I think is hot!).
He's not used to opening up to people which is the opposite of me. He says that he'd like to be more open and we do speak a lot. The other night I asked him about a previous partner. He completely shut me down. He said it's a part of his life he doesn't want to revisit and never to ask about it again.
AIBU to think that
(1) if he can't talk about it he's not over it and
(2) our relationship won't be able to grow if he is keeping secrets?

Sometimes past events hurt so much you just can't go there. It doesn't mean he isn't over it, it does mean he doesn't need to be reminded of it. Respect his wishes and leave it be.

Depends. We are all different. I do not speak my exes into life in my current relationship. They're gone, I feel no need to talk about them, ruminate over them. I love the man I'm with. It would get on my nerves if someone kept questioning me about who was there before them, and I'm not into people who are very inquisitive anyway. Stuff comes out about both our pasts/previous relationships naturally, in passing talk. That's normal. But if any man sat there wanting a whole conversation about my exes etc he just wouldn't get far. Relationships are about trust and compatibility. If you feel uneasy or that you must know about everything and anybody, or that he may be hiding something that would impact negatively on your relationship, then perhaps he's not for you and you aren't compatible because you need someone to mirror your openness. & he clearly doesn't.

Not everyone is an open book OP!

Dh and I know nothing about our pasts, it is not relevant to us. Over 20 years later I still don't care.

Why do you need to know?

I've been with DH 8 years and we haven't really discussed previous relationships, apart from a brief mention now and again when something has come up in conversation.
It doesn't mean I'm not over the past, it means that I see no need to revisit those memories or to subject DH to them, and I think he feels the same.
But then I also wouldn't dream of checking DH's phone or tracking his whereabouts and other people seem to find that totally normal too.
We're lucky enough to share a life and two children but we don't own each other, and as I see it, we're both entitled to our privacy, and I don't really see that as 'keeping secrets'.

I don't think it is good when a new partner talks about his ex. I wouldn't like to be talked about. If that is the only thing he keeps private, I would say he is something of a 'gentleman'.

I went through horrific abuse with my ex partner. I haven't told my new partner much about it at all. Don't plan on either unless I need to for whatever reason. If he asked me to divulge and was then annoyed at me when I didn't, I'd be hurt. Why do you need to know about his ex? There's a huge difference between privacy and secrets.

We don't talk about past relationships. Don't see the need, personally.

Dh and I have been together for 29 years, never felt the need to talk about past partners and relationships. Why would you/what do you want to know? Surely you can find more interesting things to talk about to get to know each other?

Thanks for your responses. I guess because I don't mind talking about things I hadn't really thought appreciated it from his point of view.
The only reason it mattered to me was because of the way he shut me down. I love him, but because of my own insecurities I worry sometimes about his feelings for me. I thought that because he didn't want to talk it might mean that he isn't over whatever happened and that it could affect our relationship, which I dearly want to work.

I think your best bet, if you want the relationship to work, is to stop raking over the coals of the past and look to the future.

Thanks @FourPlasticRings 🙂
I think you're right x

Some things are best left buried.