To not want to work more than I do?>

[massivebigpumpkinface]

because I keep feeling guilty that I am not.

just over 2m ago I went back to work 2 days a week after mat leave and dh was working full time 45hrs a week.

Not long after, dh was signed off work with depression and has been ever since, but now he has actually been laid off.

Things are tight, really tight, but we are somehow managing, just living one day to the next really.

The thing is dh really isn't ready to go back to work, in fact I feel that him doing so could perhaps undo all the good progress he has made so far.
So people keep saying to me can't I do more hours at work for amonth or two? This wouldn't be possible with my current job but I could always look for a second part time job to make up the hours whilst dh is at home with dd - I feel like I should.

But I really don't want to.
I want to stay at home with dd, like I had planned. I want to spend this precious time with her, its going so fast!

Dh and I have always worked hard, fortunately never had the need to claim benefits but now he is on incapacity benefit and our mortgage is covered by the insurance we took out. But I just feel like people are thinking we, or I am idle by not making the effort to help make ends meet.

Am I being unreasonable?

well, i'm off to work now so i'll see your responces later...

I think you are in a difficult situation. I wouldn't worry myself with what other people think, just do what you and dh feel is right for your family. YANBU for not wanting to go back.

If I was in your situation I would increase my hours as I would hate it if we could only just get by, and by working I could make everything easier, but I think you need to decide what is more important for you, more time with your dd or to be more comfortable financially.

What does you dh think?

thanks, dh is supportive, I think he would go along with whatever made me happy to be honest.
Like you say, its not easy scraping by, but I know its not forever. With Xmas coming up I might have felt differently if dd was older but she is still only 8m old and, at this age I'm not going to worry if I can't afford to splash-out on pressies.
At the moment with her being so young I just don't want to miss a thing
Its just that it comes at a cost...

right gotta go!

responses

I think that if you think you can manage, then you don't have to go back to work.

If it was me, I would think about working full time while DH took over things at home.

Not too sure that you are going to like my answer but yes, I think YABU........
I take it you are waiting for DH to get 'better' so he can get back to work so you don't need to scrape by any longer? Do you think this could be putting extra pressure on him?
Of course you'd love to spend more time with your DD, wouldn't all WOHM love to spend moer time with their DCs (I know I would), but I think you need to look a the bigger picture.
Obviously I don't know the full ins and outs, but on the basis that you need to make a decision that is best for the family unit, and not just you personally, I do think you should try to up your hours. Your DH can look after your DD, so it's not like you're farming her out to childcare (if that would ordinarily bother you) giving them some quality time together, and you'd be able to ensure that you do more than scrape by.
As I said at the beginning, not the answer you were hoping for, but I think it is the answer you were expecting.!

Good luck!

Sorry, YABU. Your dh can look after your dd. I appreciate you want to spend time with her, but upping your hours by one or two days a week is not going to ruin her bond with you. I went back to work when dd was 6 m ((4 days a week) and she is happy, well-balanced and thriving at nursery. If your dh is able to look after her, you don't even have the soul searching of putting her into nursery, and the initial worries that it brings. YANBU for not WANTING to go to work longer hours, however you YABU for not actually DOING it. Sometimes what we want and what we have to do are two different things.

YANBU. I think you need to do what's right for you.

You could always take up the option of doing more work further down the line if finances start to look difficult.

No you are deffo not being unreasonable.

It is no one else's business, you have to do what you feel is right for you, and if working 2 days a week is enough then good for you.
I know I would rather have no spare money and get to see my LO grow up, than go to work.
If your mortgage is paid by the insurance and your DH is on incapacity, and you are getting by there is no problem.

Your DD will remember the time you and DH spent with her rather than the amount of money you have.
My wonderful parents had nothing when I was younger, but I dont remember that as they were always there for me and my brother, we spent time together as a family. Some of my friends hardly ever got to see their parents as they were working all the time!!

Hope you Dh is feeling better, and take no notice of what other people say, you need to do what is best for you.

If your DH is signed off and on Incapacity for depression then he is not best placed to suddenly be a SAHD and take on responsibility for the domestic arrangements. Your sole carer suffering from depression is not a good place for a baby to be. I think it's very glib and dismissive to imagine that your DH can just 'look after your dd'.

He's ill and he needs to get almost fully better before him looking after your baby would be a good thing for either of them IMO.

I think you're fine; your Dh is hopefully getting the space and time to recover and you're being a SAHM most of the time, which is they way you want to run your family; good for you I say.

I take the point that someone with depression is not necessarily the best person to look after dd, but the op implies that dh looks after dd at the moment....however there could be some arrangments she has not mentioned.

I suppose it deoends on the financial situation. If I was at risk of falling into debt, then damn right I would try and up the hours...perhaps not full time, but 3 or 4 days instead of 2. Just because you go out to work does not mean you never see you children. I work 8 30 - 4 30 4 days a week and genuinely believe that I spend fantastic time with my dd because I am completely focussed on her when we are together. I still keep up with my NCT group and post natal group frineds and many of them spend their days trying to palm their kids off onto someone else because they are bored of them but don't want to go back to work 'because I said I wouldn't until they were three'. wtf? You either stay at home and interact with your child properly, or stop whining.

Sorry, sorry....rant alert, and this is not what the thread is about. I do stick to the point though that having a family in debt is no better than being able to spend all the time with your kid. If debt isn't an issue, then I guess it is a personal choice.

Maybe if he could start doing small amounts of work, an hour or two once a week, it might help to lift his depression. There is evidence for the role of work in treating a low mood but I haven't got time to google it, don't know how it would affect any protected income or benefits tho.

Also what notyummy just said, I work quite long hours sometimes but my time with my girls is well spent and equally importantly we are solvent. I wouldn't be terrific company for them if our house was being repossessed or something.

I have to agree that having depression may not mean your dh is able to look after the children should you go back to work. If your dh had 2 broken legs and was physically unable to care for the children -would you even be asking this question?

At first I thought, get off your backside and go and earn for your family, as you would expect your dh to do if the situation were reversed but if the bills are being paid and you aren't getting into debt, that is your main priority rather than missing out on time with your dd. You have the same choice you had before, only your dh is now at home.

With depression he will need rest, time to get better and time to have appropriate treatment, as ANY illness would need. Having sole care of your dd is not what he needs right now.

Hope things start to improve soon

Do whatever is the least stressful for your family. Basically it's a choice (isn't it always?) between time for/with your family, and money. I suspect that you and your family need to be together very much at present and that money is just about OK.

Good luck and I hope your DH is getting some good treatment .

i think for me it would depend on when the insurance ran out! is there a time limit? at that point i would want to do more work

ultimately you will be there for your dd for the next 18 years or so and i think they get more interesting day by day so you could step back from work again when dh is working again?

I think that given that it's 'in sickness and in health' and your husband is sick at the moment, then you may have no choice but to continue going out to work at the moment. If your husband were a mere layabout, I would not say the same but he is sick. Would you be having this conversation with yourself if he had a serious physical illness? It's an adjustment, granted, and probably feels less than ideal at the moment, but your husband is sick. He is probably not able to do a good job looking after your daughter either. I feel for you, but you probably have to hang in there... Life is not ideal, sadly...

just wandering if you have offices near you that you could clean when dd in bed its only hour or so work but will be extra money it would help as dh not well and was main bread winner

hope he feels better soon

YABU your attitude is putting more pressure on him. If it was me I would be looking for extra work through this difficult time.

To answer other posters regarding your DH looking after your dd is he is ill...
I think the question is, do mothers with depression get to not look after their children ... or do they just get on with it? Your DH needs to decide whether to get on with his life until he's well enough to look for another job and that includes looking after dd whilst you take a second job until that time comes.

A sudden dose of sole charge is usually enough to get anyone back to work!

Sorry to hear about your situation, I hope DH feels better soon

Someone raised the point that a depressed person is not best placed to be a SAHP to the child in question.

Good Heavens, there's masses of depressed (PND) mums out there who have to look after several children as best they can until they "get better".

To the OP ...You say things are "tight, really tight" but that you are managing just from day to day at the moment. Your dh has been laid off so I'm assuming when he is ready to work again he will face an uphill struggle to find a job particularly as he now has this illness on his record. I know it's hard to see the wood for the trees at times but have you any funds for that rainy day which hits us all sooner or later, what if your central heating boiler or washing machine broke down tomorrow, can you afford to fix it or replace it ?

Money worries are highly likely to set your dh back in his recovery period so if I was in your shoes I'd find additional work so that the family's finances were on a more secure footing. I do understand that you don't want to work but I'd be surprised if there wasn't a time limit on how long the insurance policy will cover your mortgage interest payments so you may well have to work more days a week sooner or later.

We all have different priorities in life but making sure my husband (esp. if depressed) and young children were not the victims of a family financial crisis would be higher up my own list of priorities than being absolutely certain that I personally was present at every single milestone moment in their first few years.

but the point is that if a depressed parent, whether man or woman, is looking after a child then that is not the ideal situation for the child. Most people manage somehow to struggle on and do the most fantastic job however, the stark reality is that some children are damaged by being brought up by a depressed person.

In THIS situation, for the moment, there is a choice.

And for most people with depression it is sadly not possible to just magically 'decide to get on with your life', and to say that a dose of sole charge will get a depressed person back to work....I'm truly shocked that attitude is still out there. As someone else asked, would a dose of sole charge get someone with two broken legs straight back to work, or would they still have to wait till they got better?

Utltimately only you can tell what would suit you all, but having been desperately short of money many times in my life, I wouldn't underestimate the effect that constant worry and penny-pinching will have on you and especially your DH. Being broke is miserable and it influences everything.

God, I think I must be a tad over-tired - your posts have had me in floods!

Thank you, it is interesting hearing your points.

In response to many raised :

dh loves the two days he spends with dd, he actually calls her his medicine. There has been several occasions that he hasn't coped very well with some of the more challenging days but I think we have all had those - depression or no. The godd thing is that he seems to be getting on better and is now finding it easier to deal with.

Unfortunately I am not able to increase the hours in my current job so I would have to get a second job. I have thought about doing a bit of cleaning or similar and am actually helping out a friend for a few hours next week.

We are both hoping that dh will feel ready to go back to work, even part time, once his next sicknote expires in one month. At the moment the thought terrifies him and he is not dealing well with it

Financially we are managing to keep on top of things so I'm am not worried about getting into debt. Dh has sold a lot of music equipment which has almost covered a months salary. We are careful and don't spend what we haven't got.

Erm, I think that covers some of your queries. Still feel in a bit of a turmoil tbh, though I think I might look out for something casual that could bring in a few extra pound a week...

hope I don't sound like I am at home cracking the whip to get my poor dh out working before he is ready! That is the last thing I want