To ask for help with the sodding housework??

[DreamADay]

My DP is very relaxed about housework, eg if we have people over for a meal I will want to clean first, normal hey? But he gets cross and says it doesn't matter & often invites people over.

I feel very stressed & can't relax. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way obsessive but like basic tidiness & cleanliness...

We both work full-time & DC have left home. Every night I cook from scratch & light candles etc so we can relax in comfort.

So tempting to down tools so he realises just how much I actually do but I can never do this, has anyone gone on strike in this respect?

AIBU to get cross at his lazy arsed attitude?

YABU to ask for “help”, that implies it’s your job.

YANBU to expect your husband to act like an adult and pull his weight.

@Sexnotgender this was pretty much what l was going to write. It’s not helping!!!! He needs to up his game

Yabu to ask for ‘help’ but yanbu to expect him to pull his weight by being an adult. You need to have a chat about what needs to be done and divide up the jobs. Lighting candles is not essential though and perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them at all.

Down tools. I'm in the middle of doing this with my wife. Not my job to do ALL the sodding housework. So I've stopped. I only do some when she does. She still hasn't worked out that the sodding laundry basket has only got her clothes in it and needs emptied.

I’m on ironing strike. We used to have a cleaner, stopped due to Covid. Husband won’t sort it out, I’ve been doing everything that gets done. He is now back at work and moaning that he needs ironed shirts for work. I actually don’t mind ironing, but I mind that I do so much more than he does. I’m WFH so don’t need to be ironed.

I don’t clean when we have visitors coming. DH and I have a rota of which housework is done, by who and what day of week. So our house is always clean enough for guests. For example, I do kitchen, he does bathrooms. I hoover, he dusts. The same with jobs that are done a few times a year- I wash curtains, he washes windows.
So, yes you need to sit down and discuss who will d9 what jobs and how often in such a way that house is always comfortable and presentable. It is much more relaxing to me as well to know even if DH invited a friend to come over last minute, I don’t need to lift a finger.

It doesnt sound as though he is lazy though, more that he doesn't actually think it matters if the house is dirty? Not many people are comfortable with friends coming over without a bit of a clean. In which case you have to compromise and you have to have it messier than youd like and he has to have it cleaner than youd like and meet somewhere in the middle. And sit down and talk about exactly what this will look like

I strongly suspect that if you down tools the house will just get filthy and he won't notice.

My husband just doesn't think it matters. If I don't do it he doesn't care so a strike would be pointless in my house x

I think it depends. I would try to tidy the house if i have visitors but thats partly because mine isn,t the tidyiest any way but I don,t expect others to tidy up before i visit. Perhaps he thinks it,s not necessery. The candles every night is your personal choice again is he bothered? But the general thing that you should both share the taks absolutely.

If I have visitors I too like the house to be tidy and clean. I found that when we entertained I was literally doing it all, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. In the end it became clear that things weren't going to change to unfortunately we stopped entertaining for a while because I wasn't prepared to put up with it. Your DP should respect that you want it to be tidy in the same way you respect that he is more laid back, a middle ground needs to be found or it stops surely?