To not want a 2nd child

[onecatshortofcrazy]

I’m so confused right now.

After 5 miscarriages, a stressful high-risk pregnancy and a dramatic birth, I finally gave birth to my rainbow baby last year.

Hubby and I had come to terms with the fact that we would only have one child after everything we had been through, and even discussed wether we wanted to try for another child but decided that it was a lot both physically and mentally and we was very happy to stay as a 1 child family.

Fast forward a month and I’ve just found out that I’m pregnant. I am not filled with any happiness at all. I am devastated actually. I don’t want another child but also feel like abortions aren’t something that married people do.

AIBU for considering a termination? Has anyone been in a similar situation that can offer advice?

For background, I live abroad with no family and very few friends here (so no help). Giving birth to my daughter and doing everything alone (my husband works very long hours) was incredibly difficult both mentally and physically and I could just cry at the thought of doing that all again with a toddler in tow.

Of course YANBU. You are absolutely entitled to feel how you feel about having a second baby. There's no rule that says you're obliged to want a second baby. And plenty of people in marriages have abortions. If you do decide to go ahead with it, you are doing what you feel is right for you, your health and your family.

The only thing I would say in the absolutely gentlest possible way is that if you had a very traumatic birth and a difficult time with a young baby it might be worth exploring the possibility that this has skewed your feelings. That is if you strongly wanted a second child before.

But ultimately however you feel about this is valid.

I had an abortion about a year after my 2nd child was born. The birth was incredibly traumatic and left me with ptsd and we had decided that 2 children was what we wanted.
It was a very difficult decision in one sense - a termination is not something I saw in my future when we got married - but at the same time i knew i couldnt physically or mentally go through another pregnancy so it was the only choice for us. I've not regretted it for one moment.

I've got a toddler and a baby (10 weeks old).
We also have zero help and I'm a sahm.

I didn't bond with the baby throughout the pregnancy but as soon as she was born, I felt a massive rush of love. Now I can't imagine my family without her.

I also had a traumatic first birth. The second was nowhere near as dramatic.

This is just intended to give you an alternative perspective. You must do what is right for you.

I’ve been in a similar position. I was advised that any reason for an abortion is a good enough reason. It’s your body. Don’t let perceptions about what married people ‘should’ do guide your decision.

Thank you everyone that has replied so far. I was really expecting to get slammed for my post so the kind responses have really helped me.

I think I’m just really concerned that I would have an abortion and then really regret it a few years down the line - I’m not exactly past child bearing age but I am 37 so I realize that if that did happen it would be too late to change my mind.

Nobody (especially a married woman) considers an abortion lightly. So it is not only ok to be considering it it is also ok to have one. Take time think it through and do the best for you and your existing child. Thinking of you x

__but also feel like abortions aren’t something that married people do.

People from all walks of life consider and do go through abortions OP there’s no special criteria.

How old is your daughter? Are you finicial comfortable to afford childcare?

I'm sorry that you had such a traumatic time before your daughter arrived.

There is absolutely no shame in not wanting a second child or in terminating the pregnancy if that's the right decision for you. It's absolutely nobody else's business.

Does your husband know about the pregnancy? If so, what are his thoughts?

Would it help to speak to your GP or a midwife to talk things through with them?

Best of luck whatever you decide

Forgive for saying this, tho it’s obvious consider long term preventative measures next time.
For now do what is best, will you regret it long term

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I’m a member of the Birth Trauma association Facebook page, I’m not sure if you are. There are many people there who had horrendous first births, some of whom decide against further children and others go on to have more. We have an only child. Birth can be horrendous and life threatening- there can be no judgement if you decide not to go through it again. Can you access any counselling?

Thank you everyone. I’m British but I actually live in the US so things are very different here - no health workers or midwives etc. Thankfully my best friend back in the UK is a midwife and I’ve been able to discuss lots with her.

In answer to the question about childcare - we probably could afford childcare but it would put a strain on us financially for sure.

My husband does know about the pregnancy and is very supportive - he is on the same page as me about only wanting one child but I think if I decided that I was going to go ahead with the pregnancy he would support that too.

I have two children that I love dearly. I have a large enough home, good job and a kind and loving husband who is a fully participating parent and partner.

If I were to fall pregnant now I would have an abortion.

If you don’t want the baby OP that’s fine.

I hope you get the head space you need to make your decision.