Husband taking the piss or...?

[bingoncbeebies]

DH WFH due to Covid, usually has a desk-based City job.

He works erratic and irregular hours as he works across many different time zones so sometimes he's up working till 2-3am, but most nights works till 9pm-ish. I'm a SAHM and we have two toddlers, I get up with them every morning and let DH lie in until he has his first call of the day usually around 8.30/9

Yesterday he didn't have much work on and stayed in bed all day. Fine, everyone needs a break, but this morning again he hasn't got out of bed except to jump on one con call earlier today and the rest of the time he's been lazing in bed. I ask him to help me or say I'm tired too but he just gets snappy and to be honest it's not worth the argument.

AIBU to think he's taking the piss here?! Or should I give him a bit of a break?

Yes of course he’s taking the piss- whether a working parent or a SAHM to preschoolers everyone deserves a break!

Generally it sounds like he is taking the piss. How late did he work on the night before his day off? If it was a 9pm then he should have been up by 10am imo. If it was a 2/3am finish then I'd be more forgiving.

How often does he have the kids by himself?

YANBU. No reason to be in bed at 1pm in the day unless he’s doing night shifts or sick. Unfortunately you’ve bagged yourself a lazy husband.

His first call is “usually” 08:30/09:00 and “most” nights he works til about 21:00?
I would cautiously say he’s earned the lazy days, both of them.
But I’d reserve my decision until after I know whether he pulls his weight at weekends?

Actually, re-reading, this isn’t the first time? I’ll put my money on “dick” then.

It sounds like he’s in a high earning job? I have seen people (well, honestly - people’s husbands) who do think that they have effectively BOUGHT childcare via their wife, and this are affronted at any idea that they should do any.

He's The BIG MAN with The BIG JOB and can't possibly stoop so low as to actually parent his kids.......

I ask him to help me or say I'm tired too but he just gets snappy and to be honest it's not worth the argument.

He's training you to never ask for anything from him.

My husband is currently wfh due to Covid. We also have two toddlers.

DH is on a big project so super busy with unsociable hours.

He gets up at 6am and works through until midnight most nights. He then gets up again at 6am the following morning to help with OUR children.

I’m a SAHM and he doesn’t have to do this but he wants to.

Frankly I would’ve given your husband a huge kick up the arse by now!

If he’s mainly working 9-9 with some very late nights then sorry I think he’s ok to have very lazy days.

Snappy because ‘you’re tired too’ - that sounds terrible the way you’ve put it, but so often people are told not to play the who’s more tired than who game. Stress and 12 hour days can really do you in.

I don’t ever do 12 hour days but I do have high levels of stress, when I get to the end of the run I’m lucky if I just sleep a lot rather than having a full weekend of migraines.

He is working from 8:30am - 9pm most days and sometimes until the early hours. It sounds like he could do with a rest. You are a SAHM, you need to be doing the childcare during the week.

Is he taking the kids and doing anything on the weekends?

Is he actually working during these long hours or is he chatting with colleagues and pissing about online?

Some people's jobs seem to involve endless Zoom meetings which surely could be a lot more concise if they wanted them to be.

Yes he's taking the piss. They are his kids too. You deserve a break too!

Is there any way of working out a weekly timetable / calendar of when he’s working and when he isn’t? So that you can both be clear on what is going on and each carve out some protected time to rest?

Whether he will do this or not will show you what kind of man he is. My exh for instance would never have been tied down to a plan that allowed me some rest too (and I also worked), preferring to protect all of his time to share our between work and his rest as the mood took him.

😂 love all the people saying ‘well if he’s working 12-hour days he does need a break’ what kind of shifts do you think a SAHM of toddlers does?? 12-14 hour days, 7 days a week, on call every night and no set breaks, no colleagues to chat to, no sitting down! Yes of course he is taking the piss and yes of course you should be getting a break too. I am also a SAHM to toddlers and DH is also WFH and at the moment, he is getting up at 5.30am to start work, stopping to help with tea/bed-time then working again in the evening. He actually told me yesterday to take his tax return and buy myself something bless him because I’ve not had a break for weeks. I had to gently remind him he is not getting a break either. At the very least you should be taking it in turns to have lie-ins / days in bed (oh the luxury!!).

Another one asking what he’s like at the weekend.
I think it does make a difference. If he’s hands on, lets you get the lie ins and shares the load, I’d probably let him skive for a couple of days.
But if you’re run off your feet 7 days a week and even do the majority at the weekend, then no YANBU.

Thanks for the messages everyone.

On weekends it's hit and miss. Sometimes I'll let him lie in both days because I have the energy and don't mind, but if I want a lie in I have to ask, it's never offered. We tend to split the weekend so one day is whole family time and another we split the morning and afternoon with the kids so both of us have a half day off. But I don't feel like he really pulls his weight much at weekends.

I don't begrudge him the odd break, but one whole day off should be enough to reset!

Get the children fed and dressed, put them on the bed with Daddy and tell him today is your day off, see you all later

Then leave your phone in the kitchen and take off for a day to yourself.

@Fedupoftheworld

YANBU. No reason to be in bed at 1pm in the day unless he’s doing night shifts or sick. Unfortunately you’ve bagged yourself a lazy husband.

"he's up working till 2-3am, "

@Phrowzunn some of us have been SAHM of toddlers (3 under 3 at one point if you want to know) and still recognise that stresses at work are far different from stresses of looking after your own children

I’m not going to get fired if I don’t put a wash on while caring for them or if I leave the kitchen a mess, but I might if I don’t hit a critical deadline.

I recognise that SAHM often don’t get an opportunity to pee on their own or brush their hair - but you know what, you can actually opt out of lots of the activities and have a cup of tea while supervising toddlers. There’s a reason why SAHM tend to cook dinner rather than the WFH parent.

And if OP is working 12-14 hours but her husband is also, but his job is stressful and funding the entire family then yes, I think he does need more downtime.

When he was in his office, did he do any chores?

If so, then he can certainly do at least the same now. I would say more but compromise and all that!

it's not worth the argument.

And this is why nothing’s gonna change

So HAVE the argument! Tell him that there are kids that need both parents and that you too need a bit of time to yourself. You’re not asking to laze around every day, but he can’t just take to bed leaving you to it completely

You guys need to talk and plan out what he can contribute at home

Does he do baths for them? Breakfasts? Or tea?