Help! Fussy eater child - me and dad in disagreement

[Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry]

This is the first time I’ve asked for advice, so your help would really be appreciated.

My son aged 6 is a very fussy eater. Background - was weaned to perfection, he had at least 8 fruit and vegetables a day - ate meat and fish. Never a problem. As soon as he started feeding himself all that changed. We are now at the stage that he will only eat the following:
Weetabix, Nutella on toast, yoghurt
jam sandwiches,
sausage and chips (definitely not mash or potatoes),
Spaghetti bog,
Jacket potato with beans
If we have a Sunday lunch he will only eat chicken and jam, with carrots and Yorkshire’s pudding.
Fruit is strawberries and pears.
Obviously he’s happy to have the odd sweets and crisps.
He point blank refuses anything else. We’ve gone with this, however it has come to ahead as due to Covid school dinners are reduced and basically he won’t touch any of it. We’ve held firm as basically I don’t want to send him 8n with a jam buttie, cake, fruit and crisps. It’s just a sugar lunch. He won’t eat any veg that’s put in his lunchbox. SCHool are aware and are trying to encourage him. This issue is I’m starting to cave in re the pack lunch but my husband wants to hold firm. He’s fairly easy going but he’s really worried about his diet - this all comes from a good place and we rarely disagree.
I’m starting to think we are over worrying about it. Would I be unreasonable to just let him have the pack lunch?
For info: he’s a normal kids, slim but tall, full of beans and doing very well at school.
Any help/advice is much appreciated.

I'd send him in a balanced lunch with some foods he will eat. If he wants to go without, that's up to him.

Saying that, I have a friend whose son ate nothing but custard creams for about two years apparently and still grew up OK with no major issues around food, so I don't think it's a huge issue either way.

I think you should play this as a long game. Try packing a lunch be 80% likes. Jam sandwich and cucumber sticks with a plain yoghurt for example.
Same with his 'safe' dinners. Try a sprinkle of cheese on his beans and jacket.
Don't make a fuss of what's on his plate. Make his plate approx 60% 'safe' and add new things with barely any mention or fuss if he tries it or doesn't

If he eats a chicken dinner could he be persuaded to have a chicken sandwich the next day from leftovers? That would at least reduce the number of jam sandwich days.

@1940s

I think you should play this as a long game. Try packing a lunch be 80% likes. Jam sandwich and cucumber sticks with a plain yoghurt for example. Same with his 'safe' dinners. Try a sprinkle of cheese on his beans and jacket. Don't make a fuss of what's on his plate. Make his plate approx 60% 'safe' and add new things with barely any mention or fuss if he tries it or doesn't

Agree with this.

I would also give him mainly what he likes, with the odd think extra to try.

If he likes chicken and sausage will he eat cold? Yogurt is fine at lunch. Add some strawberries. He can have a jam sandwich as well

Basically I would give him as healthy as possible, but something he likes at school.

At home do the same, but try slowly adding extras. Ie if he likes strawberries and pears, maybe sit down with him to discuss what other fruit he will try. List 10 fruits with pictures and suggest he chooses 2 to try at home alongside the ones he likes. Maybe apples ( they are similar to pear, and other berries)

I don't think his diet sounds terrible except for the jam sandwiches. Please don't send him to school with a jam sandwich. It's a terrible lunch. Everything else is fine to me but the jam sandwich. I would work on creating an alternative sandwich like a chicken sandwich or even cold chicken if he'll eat it.

And it does matter. Nutrition matters. Please don't give up. He may be doing well at school now but it's his development that will be affected by such a terrible diet and you won't know the damage is done until it's too late. Please do the best by your son by feeding him healthy and nutritious foods.

Having looked at his diet I actually think it’s really balanced. If you need to then try substituting like for like for variety - so for example turkey / meat free slices with chicken. Pureed cashews (don’t use water) or pureed tofu with a little jam instead of natural yoghurt. Try Peanut or cashew butter instead of nutella. Honey / marmalade instead of jam - or maybe try to make your own with minimal sugar.

blackberries / red currents / some varieties of mango all have similar textures and flavours to strawberries.

I think I’d make a packed lunch. He must be starving by the end of the school day if he isn’t eating much of his school dinner! Does he get snacks at the end of the school day/when he gets home? If yes, then those may as well be given to him in a packed lunch instead.

I'd just send him in with jam sandwiches (might make own jam to reduce sugar somewhat), a yoghurt and a pear. Also try slices of strawberry or banana instead of jam, he might like that.

It honestly doesn't sound that bad. He eats fruit and veg and yoghurt, so give him some healthy stuff that he does eat with every meal.

I'm relaxed about kids being fussy because I was fussy as a child and my brother ate everything. As adults his diet is awful and severely lacking whereas I eat lots of veg and fruit and the dieticiens (see one once in a while as part of my diabetes healthcare) can't find a fault with my diet. I eat very healthy.

So I'd advise to work with what he will eat, make sure most of his diet is healthy and keep making new foods available without extra encouragement or fuss.

And you can hide a lot of vegetables in blended sauces like bolognese. Just blender together with carrots to keep it sweet.

Not an immediate solution, but does your dd enjoy cooking? It’s a valid method of encouraging fussy eaters to widen their range. Cooking without pressure to eat the result.

Get him involved with getting his lunch box together, maybe portion it up with colours that have to have a certain kind of food, so protein, carb, sugar etc. Those compartment lunch boxes are great for that and kids seem to get a kick out of the picnic vibe.

You need to move boundaries with a little bit of compromise and a bit of strictness. I wouldn’t put him back on school lunches because he’s clearly set his boundaries there and you can’t be there to negotiate it.

Meant to add that there’s a great kids cookery book by tickle fingers. They break it down in a really easy to follow way so dc can really get involved as well as recipes that mean they can taste any of the raw ingredients etc.

I know vitamins aren’t substitutes for food but for the time being can you give him a multi vit a day?

I would do 60% safe 40% unsafe food in lunch box.

Does he have a best friend who he eats with? Could you ask their adult what they give and try the same so he’s eating it while friend is?

Have a look at kids.eat.in.colour on Instagram. She has tonnes of tips and advice for encouraging picky eaters

My strategy with a fussy eater was to say:
"You don't have to eat it just try one bite
Imagine if you never tried ice cream!"
(instead of ice cream you put something what your son loves most of all)
Out of 10-15 new things occasionally we found something he liked and then we were able very slowly expand his menu and I built on that strategy so now at Uni he cooks his own meals using herbs, spices and various recipes.
I never expected my son to become a foodie. But then you have to expand your menu because he may like mild korma or lemon chicken and you hate it, and so on.

Some good advice above so cant really add but just to say when you read what he eats now he just needs some tweaks to put him in the right direction, it's not a horror movie of a diet. OP, I have 4 children and 1 is terrible at dinner time, the other won't eat most lunches, one I have to cajole to eat any fruit or veg and the other hates anything to do with breakfast.

That is actually not that bad. He eats carbs, protein and some fruit and veges. He will gradually get better. Just try adding a new food every now and then. Making every meal a drama will not help, it will make it worse and I’m speaking from experience. My daughter only used to eat white food. She is now 8 and although she is a very plain eater. She eats toast, cheese, meat, vegetables and some fruit.

If you were to go to your HV or nutritionist, they would say the fact he is eating something from all food groups is positive and therefore it isn't a huge concern. My son, for example, won't eat any fruit at all, will only eat 7 (because that's how old he is) peas, and only on a Sunday. That's the only veg he eats. He will eat almost any bread product, but no other carbs, so no rice/potatoes/pasta etc. He will only eat meat that has no fat on it, and is dry, so I literally have to dry chicken bread with a cloth!

I think he actually eats a fair range of foods, and you shouldn't be too concerned.

*Chicken breast.
If chicken bread were a thing I'd be onto a winner!

There's a great book called 'Getting the little blighters to eat' that is very short and easy to read. Very good advice.

My DD was AWFUL about food, at the extreme end of picky eating, enough that we went to a feeding clinic for advice.

Definitely don't let your DS know you're bothered, take the emotion out of it all. Get him to cook as much as possible even if he doesn't eat the results, messy play such as making pictures or kebabs or smoothies with food is also very helpful; if they touch it they are more likely to lick it, then more likely to taste it etc.

Play the long game. I'm amazed now at how many new things DD has tried, although it's been a long and painfully slow process.

Look into ARFID speak to your gp if concerned.

I would say what he eats is not bad at all it just need more variety.

I would start by changing up wiithin the food he already has, so different types of bread and jam (jam sandwiches aren’t awful btw. A lot of sugar but they have carbs fruit fat) if he eats Roast chicken I would make cold cuts of chicken or even start to put chicken in sandwiches Or bread and butter and chicken. Offer and present other things even if he refuses. Be neutral and matter of fact. No negotiations or explanation.
Try to phase out/reduce the jam and Nutella amounts.even if microscopically every day

@hereyehearye

I don't think his diet sounds terrible except for the jam sandwiches. Please don't send him to school with a jam sandwich. It's a terrible lunch. Everything else is fine to me but the jam sandwich. I would work on creating an alternative sandwich like a chicken sandwich or even cold chicken if he'll eat it.

And it does matter. Nutrition matters. Please don't give up. He may be doing well at school now but it's his development that will be affected by such a terrible diet and you won't know the damage is done until it's too late. Please do the best by your son by feeding him healthy and nutritious foods.

I think this is massively over the top.

It does sound as though in general his diet, is not too bad, even if it is limited. It is great that he will have different textures, and something from the main food groups.

I think working on the idea that it is hopefully a phase and he is fit and well, it's a good idea for eating to be no pressure, and relaxed.

I'd go with packed lunches and try and expand on what he might have in them
If you had a picnic, what would he enjoy on that?
How is he with things like cream crackers?

DD2 was like this. Ate anything and everything until she had pneumonia aged 8yo and then we got down to very few foods she would eat.

Just give them what they will eat that's reasonable. If all he'll eat is jam buttie, cake, fruit and crisps, then for goodness sake stop making meal times a misery for him.
Would your dh choose to eat something he really doesn't like? How would he feel if you cooked that for him once a week. He'd feel pretty got at.

My parents went the method of I'd eat what they thought was healthy. That was brown break and mashed potato. I still can't bear either to the point I will start retching. I have tried. It would be far better if I could, and every now and then I think it's mind over matter, and try, but no not at all.
The things I didn't like as a child, but they didn't push, I now eat and some of them I even enjoy.

The packed lunch sounds absolutely fine. If I found that he would eat that but you were sending him with stuff he didn't like I'd not be impressed.

Thanks everyone. Some good ideas on here for us to try. We have tried the chicken sandwich (even tried it with jam) but it got the thumbs down. It’s definitely slowly slowly catchy monkey with him. My hubby usually works away but Covid means he’s home now ( which is lovely by the way as he get so much more time with the kids) so it has become more apparent about his diet and maybe I’ve not preserved as much as I could have. Thanks for all your replies x

I was that fussy eater as a child. With a very similar diet to your son.

I developed M.E at 15. And debilitating IBS around then too. Both of which are still significantly affecting my life as an adult.

Nutritional deficiencies aside, gut health is incredibly important and poor diversity has been linked to so many conditions. Eating a beige, sugary diet with minimal prebiotic foods will be destroying his gut microbiome and this can be impossible to fix. I've been trying for many, many years.

You need to be significantly tougher with this. Most children will choose to eat crap over healthy food. It's your job as a parent to not let that happen. He won't starve to death if you remove the junk. But ask yourself what his future might be like if you don't.