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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Constant petty arguing

5 replies

losingthestrength81 · 02/10/2020 08:07

Slowly getting towards the end of my tether with DH.

Been together 15 years. Married 8. 1 DD(6)

He's always been a bit hard work, will sulk for days if he doesn't get his own way, his opinion is the only valid one and if I dare to argue then he doesn't like it etc.

I've always just put up with it as before lockdown and this year we worked very different work patterns (I'm office hours based, he is shift work based) so sometimes we could go a few days without seeing each properly which seemed to work well.

Since lockdown in March I have been wfh and this is likely to carry on permanently. After a few bad jobs, I now have a job I really enjoy and am doing well at (quite often recognised for good work etc) however the current climate has unfortunately meant a lot of my team have been made redundant so my workloads has increased. I don't mind doing a few extra hours here and there, always prioritise DD's school drop off and pick up (with agreement from work that this is ok) and will sometimes log in the evening after bedtime to catch up on a few emails (not every day, usually once a week at most)

DH work shifts, including nights which I know are tough, but at the same time the whole household has to go one hold when he is on nights. I can't do any washing when he is sleeping as the machine wakes him up. I can't hoover, tidy up, walk around the house as I wake him. I do all the pick up and drops offs, but when DD gets home we have to sit downstairs quietly as otherwise we wake him up.

if we do accidentally wake him up then he is in a bad mood for the rest of the time, or will just lay in bed until he has to go to work leaving me to do everything which tbh i let him do otherwise I will just be moaned at anyway!

This week he has been on earlies so up at 6am. Because I have been getting up slightly before him (545ish) as I want to go for a run on the treadmill in the garage before he goes to work, apparently I have woken him up every morning and he has been in a mood as I deprived him of 15 minutes sleep. However when I moan that he came to bed at 1am last night (I went up at 10pm) and he tried to wake me up then I get called boring and miserable.

Today he is off and apparently dropped a subtle hint last night about how it would be nice if I didn't get up for a run so he wouldn't be woken up. However I have told him on more than one occassion that I have so much else going on I don't do subtle hints so he needs me to do something he needs to just tell me. So I didn't realise and got up at 545. I was quiet, but still managed to wake him up! Because I asked him if he wanted to drop DD off as he hasn't been able to all week, but if he wanted to stay in bed as he was tired that was fine too, I got a 20 minute lecture on how I was obviously trying to keep him from his daughter and do all the fun stuff with her while he does everything else, all because I asked him to take some rubbish out if he gets chance today.

I literally feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time when all I try and do is help and do everything for him. Getting up early to go for a run is the only 30 minutes I get a day to myself where I am not working or doing something with DD or housework and now I am being made to feel guilty about this as well we everything else!

Wow that was an long early morning rant!

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 02/10/2020 08:11

He's being a dick. Have a chat with him about how you feel. Maybe something else is up that's making him snap.

Tappering · 02/10/2020 08:12

What exactly is he bringing to the table in this relationship? He sounds lazy and joyless and not someone I'd want to have to put up with for another 30-40 years.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/10/2020 08:14

He sounds exhausting at the best of times but all this time together is just magnifying it.

I don't know how you change it tbh. He is who he is. The question is, is this What you want?

losingthestrength81 · 02/10/2020 08:39

@Newmumatlast I have tried talking to him and everytime its turned back onto me, that I didn't do something right or, its my fault that I have wound him up etc.

@Tappering - have unfortunately been asking myself this recently and the honest answer is I don't know anymore. He used to feel kind and generous and would help out with anything, now he just feels lazy and arrogant

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz - we did have a close family bereavment early this year (not Covid related) which he has taken really hard, and I am making as many allowances as I can in regards to his attitude and snappyness, but when it is constant it just feels draining.

This morning has just been moaning after moaning. Moaning at me for all of the above, moaning at DD as she wasn't getting up and dressed quick enough, moaning that she wasn't eating her breakfast quick enough, that I came down while she was eating to do my breakfast as that then meant she started talking to me and stopped eating for a couple of seconds. It just feels relentless.

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 02/10/2020 12:02

Sorry to see that you've tried talking. Have you made it clear that it is actually so bad that you can't take it anymore i.e. something has to change else you may not be able to stay in the relationship? Would that jolt him into action maybe? If there has been a close family bereavement and he is struggling with that, would he consider counselling?

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