Am I right to be annoyed?

[Bellabobby]

So my husband and I are currently buying a house. Loan was just approved and settlement in a few weeks. It’s been a crazy, complicated process and at one point it looked like we might need more money for the deposit (about $9,000). Dh’s family are v wealthy and agreed to loan us that amount with us promising to pay it back once we have sold an other asset.
The bank now says they don’t need this amount and so I spoke to both DH and his parents and asked them if we could give back the money on settlement date just to make sure everything goes smoothly. They were fine with this and DH seemed to be fine too. Then today I find out he’s already sent back most of the money. It’s probably fine in terms of the loan, but Maybe not because the bank knew we had that money if needed and now we don’t.
More than that though I feel so hurt that he repeatedly agreed and then just did it anyway. He never expressed any wish to give the money back earlier. I feel like my opinion means nothing to him and the only thing he’s apologised for is being “stupid enough” to tell me. I’ve tried saying when it comes to this much money and a house in the balance, the least he could do is talk to me about it but he never even tried, he just did it.
Am I being uptight to be hurt about this?

Yes, he should have told you what he was doing.

But you need to accept that if the money from his parents is sitting in his account, and the purpose for which it was given has gone; he has done nothing wrong in returning it promptly. You are currently in exactly the same circumstances as you would have been if the amount of deposit had been at the final (lower) figure throughout.

If you face a major contingency, then perhaps they would lend again, and it is entirely up to them.

I don't think its right to take money expressly lent for one purpose and then hang in to it in case it is needed for another (even if that other purpose is related to the original)

But yes, you need better communication. I'm not sure how useful it would be to establish exactly why his parents said 'fine' to you but between them it wasn't fine. But finding out why your DH didn't tell you could be extremely important. Genuine oversight? Or just not seeing it as needed? Is he selfish in other ways?

YABU the bank said they don't need the 9K. Maybe he hates being in debt. I can't see an issue.

@AuntieStella

Yes, he should have told you what he was doing.

But you need to accept that if the money from his parents is sitting in his account, and the purpose for which it was given has gone; he has done nothing wrong in returning it promptly. You are currently in exactly the same circumstances as you would have been if the amount of deposit had been at the final (lower) figure throughout.

If you face a major contingency, then perhaps they would lend again, and it is entirely up to them.

I don't think its right to take money expressly lent for one purpose and then hang in to it in case it is needed for another (even if that other purpose is related to the original)

But yes, you need better communication. I'm not sure how useful it would be to establish exactly why his parents said 'fine' to you but between them it wasn't fine. But finding out why your DH didn't tell you could be extremely important. Genuine oversight? Or just not seeing it as needed? Is he selfish in other ways?

Agree

I don't understand why are annoyed. If you borrow money from someone it's perfectly reasonable to pay it back as soon as you are able to do so.

The bank have told you they don't need the money so you don't need it any more, so he's treated his generous parents in a courteous way. If it does turn out that you need the money after all (and how on earth if the house buying process so confusing that you still don't know exactly how much you have to pay??) I'm sure that his parents will lend it back again.

You don't need the money anymore he should not need your permission to return their money

As long as you can prove were the money has come from and that you haven't fraudulently claimed it to be excess earnings, then the Bank isn't interested in it.

He knows his parents and perhaps they were making noises behind the scenes, or there was gossip in the family, or he doesn't like to take advantage. Ideally he should have told you, but you seem to think that you had the right to decide when it was paid back and after all the hassle, perhaps he didn't want to deal with your arguments. There was no reason to not repay it straight away.

YABU. You don’t need the loan so why hang onto it. Also he is not giving them your money so he doesn’t need your permission, he is returning his family money to his family.

I guess i left out some details- the money is still there because our broker advised it should be. Literally just for a couple weeks- apparently stuff shouldnt be moved between approval and settlement. It’s in our joint bank account too. But everyone is right that I’m being unreasonable- I guess I’m just disappointed that he acted really happy with the idea of the waiting a couple of weeks but it’s his and his families money not mine so fair enough. I’ve got the idea and I don’t seem to be able to delete so I’ll mute this

I don’t see the issue. Even if the bank had turned around and said they needed the money after all, if his parents are very wealthy and were happy to lend the money the first time round then surely all they’d do the same thing again if needed?

I don’t think your DH’s desire to return it immediately was wrong, but it sounds like he basically agreed not to to shut you up and then went and did whatever he wanted anyway rather than GP have a discussion about what is the right thing to do. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear and then acting like you’re a child not an equal partner.

What would have been the likely outcome of a discussion if he had said he really didn’t think it was right to keep the money even if it did jeopardize the house? It’s his parents that have leant the money so I can see why he might feel more responsibility/ownership over ensuring everything is above board. Nevertheless it’s basically a form of gaslighting. Has he done this over anything else?

Not sure how the rogue GP got in there. Sorry.

I’ve got the idea and I don’t seem to be able to delete so I’ll mute this

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