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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OAP's birthdays, what to get for a present

27 replies

Dawny65 · 02/10/2020 01:55

What do you buy for elderly parents birthdays, if anything? My dad will soon be 84. He has manageable health problems so we're staying away from booze/sweets. He has enough of everything at his age for his hobbies, home, clothes etc & says he doesn't want/need anything. We have Xmas coming up too. My sister has gone & bought something pointless for his garden despite me suggesting paying for a meal out for both our parents between us, so I'm a bit annoyed about that. We're going for a meal with them which she won't be contributing for to now so it will be down to me to pay for both parents if I don't get him a gift. This makes it dearer for me now.
We're furloughed, with redundancy on the horizon so money is tight.
He does not want, need, or expect anything, but I still feel mean turning up with nothing for his birthday...

OP posts:

FourPlasticRings · 02/10/2020 01:57

Sponsor something on his behalf? You can sponsor an animal through the WWF for £36 for the year. Do some good rather than guessing at that he may like but probably won't?

Leaannb · 02/10/2020 02:05

Make him a cake and give him a hug. Your father wouldn't want you adding all this stress onto your plate right now.

keeprocking · 02/10/2020 02:21

Speaking as the oldie I wouldn't want my family who were having financial difficulties to spend money on things I really don't need. For my mother's 80th, yonks ago, my brother bought her a flash, expensive and useless present, her words. We got together a group of family pictures, bought a frame and gave her that. Guess which she preferred.

ToffeePennie · 02/10/2020 02:38

My grandparents who are a similar age to your dad visit garden centres. They like to go and have a wander and see the new plants/growing techniques. They have lunch out whilst they’re there so we have gotten them gift vouchers for the cafes/restaurants.
Last year for their anniversary we bought a plant for them, and donated it to their favourite garden centre, with a little sign saying it was their plant for their (I think diamond) anniversary. That might be a nice idea if he likes plants.

Sparticuscaticus · 02/10/2020 05:43

The meal out if the gift.

He doesn't need anything nor asked for anything so don't fill his house with tatt

sunsalutations · 02/10/2020 05:54

A nice M&S jumper ... ?

CareBear50 · 02/10/2020 05:58

Tulip bulbs that he/you can plant for him now. Would make a lovely display in spring

Nikori · 02/10/2020 06:02

My parents are the same. They just don't need or want anything. They especially don't need more stuff cluttering up their home that they have to worry about. I think paying for the meal out is a lovely idea. Did your sister initially agree to this and has now backed out or did she get the present as an addition to paying for half the meal? Maybe check with her.

K1ran · 02/10/2020 06:06

A 'this is your life style picture album/collage

Ohtherewearethen · 02/10/2020 06:12

A magazine subscription? I think the photos will be a great idea too

Londonnight · 02/10/2020 06:12

Your dad is the same age as mine. I bought my dad a voucher for his local garden centre. He is a very keen gardener so will find this useful. The voucher also allows him and my mum to spend it in the cafe at the garden centre if they want.

It is very difficult knowing what to buy elderly parents as they really don't need or want anything.
Honestly if you can't afford it don't get anything. I am sure you dad wouldn't want you to struggle. If you want to buy a meal, why not get a carry out instead of going out? This will cut costs considerably.

CampfireZen · 02/10/2020 06:13

@ToffeePennie, I love your idea of donating a plant and sign at favourite garden centre!

Nice and low-key way to mark an occasion. Will appeal to a few of my senior family members who don't want anything.

Mintjulia · 02/10/2020 06:15

Choose a favourite photo of his dcs or dgcs and have it made into a case for his tablet or phone.

Thedevilscheesecake · 02/10/2020 07:04

I wouldn't sponsor anything. My BIL did that for my FIL. FIL was deeply offended by it. He said if they wanted to be charitable then do it. But if they wanted to treat him on his birthday then they should think about him not some poor man in africa. They also made the mistake of donating via a christian charity and he was very anti the church.

We got him a magazine subscription one year. Which he did keep going for years after.

Generally he would just have been happy with a card and us going round to spend time with him.

redcarbluecar · 02/10/2020 07:14

Am sure he means it when he says he doesn’t want/need anything, but maybe something that will amuse him like ‘World’s Best Dad’ mug or socks?

Chottie · 02/10/2020 07:32

I have grown up DC and I would just hate to think they were spending money they could not afford on a birthday present for me. I would rather they just came round and we had a family cup of tea together.

whirlwindwallaby · 02/10/2020 07:35

Who will pay for the meal out if you do get a present?

Ragwort · 02/10/2020 07:40

My parents really, really don't want anymore stuff in their lives ... every time I visit they give me things for the charity shop I manage ... yesterday was the most hideous garden ornament that someone had sent to them. The best present is just spending time together, going out for a meal (although they will insist on paying ).

I think a charity gift is a good idea and my DPs love them but you have to be sure it is a charity that your a DPs support, I usually give my DPs a 'Crisis at Christmas' voucher for Christmas which supports a homeless person over Christmas, but only because I know that it's something they would support.

mdh2020 · 02/10/2020 08:20

One of our offspring always gives us expensive presents that we don’t want (and, by the way, I would hit anyone who called me an OAP) . The other gives us fun stuff . Eg she will give me packets of my favourite sweets, miniatures of flavoured gin. We don’t need more mugs. I used to make up a box of small presents for my grandmother too. It may sound corny, but could you give them your time? Extra visits, help with the garden?

mam0918 · 02/10/2020 11:55

I'm confused, YOU decide on going out for a meal out but are mad your sister didnt pay for the 'gift' you decided on?

I wouldnt pay for a dinner out as it doesnt seem like a gift to me at all, I take great pride in thoughtfully picking out gifts for people and weather you think her gift is 'pointless' or not honestly doesnt matter (who made your ideas king) so you have zero right to be angry/annoyed at her - pay for your own 'pointless' gift ideas

Ragwort · 02/10/2020 13:21

mam it always amuses me when people say they 'take great pride in thoughtfully picking out gifts for people' - how do you genuinely know that people are pleased with your gifts? I always thank people really effusively for their gifts, but I am rarely given anything that I really, really love - even from my DH of 30+ years .

I used to enjoy choosing what I thought were lovely, tasteful gifts for my beloved grandmother, after she died I had to clear her house - years of unused gifts, it was really very sad .

PersephonePromotesEquanimity · 02/10/2020 13:25

My octogenarian parent's favourite present over the past decade has been their iPad.

But you say he has everything he needs - so I'd go with your company. Covid-dependent of course.

MariaG87 · 13/10/2020 21:36

We always get ours a photo calendar like this: etsy.me/2FwvtsA

Passthebubbly · 13/10/2020 22:01

Ohh I miss my dad but I remember the struggle of what to get. I would go with a photo book of cherished memories between you both with hand written notes about what made that moment special to you. Your presence will mean more than any present so don’t stress about it too much

Leeds2 · 13/10/2020 22:18

I had my dad's birthday and Father's Day during lockdown. I sent him an M&S meat box, and an M&S fruit box - he genuinely loved both, as it saved him/mum a bit of money, and the quality of produce was better than they would normally buy for themselves. He was 91.
At Christmas, I always buy mum and dad a weekly ticket into a local charity raffle, used to be their local hospice, now Yorkshire Air Ambulance. Over about 10 years, they have won a £750 and a £100 prize, which they loved.
They don't expect presents, and would prefer that I didn't buy them, but - if I do - they don't want "things."

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