Over the past week or so, it has transpired that my stepson, age 17, believes that he has a rubbish life and that nothing goes right for him.
This is because of a cluster of incidents, including him leaving expensive things on the bus on three occasions in the last month and him being bollocked for it (one was his £100/term bus pass which obviously he needs replacing, and another was his wallet with all his birthday money in it as he was taking it to town to put it in the bank on his way to college - not little things that don't matter).
He has also just received his mock grades and is disappointed with how he's done.
He claims that everything is pointless and that he doesn't know what to do to make it better.
DP spoke to him last night - all in a reasonable tone - and said he quite simply has to grow up and take some responsibility for himself. He hardly did any college work over lockdown (despite claiming he did, but he was at his mum's for safety despite us having custody usually as DP is a key worker .. so we couldn't check), and he lied to his tutors about having no internet to avoid the online lessons .. and he has very few lessons now so spends lots of time at home during the day - which we clearly cannot police as we're not here! He's supposed to be working at these times, they've just cut back on face to face teaching.
Evenings are a bit better but his computer is in his bedroom, nowhere else to put it as we only have a small open plan living area and kitchen downstairs, and he ends up playing games more often than not .. and we realise when he gets killed or something and yells out in protest.
DP doesn't know what to do. I mean, he's 17 so he's choosing to be at sixth form, he doesn't HAVE to be. There are other things he could do, but he's insistent that he wants to be there. DP obviously doesn't want him to just waste his time and then have nothing to show for it and not be able to go to uni (he wants to study law - I'm not sure he realises how much work is involved in this as he clearly doesn't enjoy academia) and then be stuck in a rubbish job - whereas he could have done another kind of course at our local college now, something more practical maybe .. but he insists on doing his A Levels.
He honestly wants for nothing, he has a brilliant work space in his room, everything he needs, we've bought him text books so he doesn't have to borrow from college, I've shown him where to get past papers to practice, his tutors have said he can contact them if he needs anything .. but he still thinks it's hopeless, and won't seem to accept the link between 'poor grades' and 'sod all work'. I told him that I use to study all day in college and then for at least another 2 hours when I got home, usually more, and he thinks I'm just saying that. I was a bright student and even all that work only got me Bs!
What can we do? I had the uni experience and think he would love it, at least the social side, though I maintain his aim to do law is unrealistic (and probably coming from his mother anyway). DP didn't stay on for A Levels, and has been in rubbish jobs since, and he absolutely wants better for his son.
But what can we do if he won't work, we can't sit over him the whole time, he often sleeps in and misses his bus if we have to leave before him in a morning (and the other day lied about a lesson being cancelled when I popped home for lunch to find him still in bed at sodding 12.30pm. Even if it had been cancelled he should have been working not in bed. He didn't realise that the college send his dad a text when he misses a lesson).
It just seems like a weird age to deal with. He's living under our roof rent free (not saying I'd expect him to pay rent - but he should be doing something) but at the same time he's such a big lad and so close to being adult it seems crazy that we should have to intervene at all. But DP understandably doesn't just want him sitting at home eating crap and playing games or sleeping while we're at work - which is what's happening now. If he's asked to help round the house it's just a 'no', and how can you make a 17yo do something? The only thing he cares about is his computer, and he has us over a barrel when he says we can't take it off him, as he needs it for his work.
Sorry this is so long, but DSS is unhappy, DP is unhappy, and I'm unhappy because they're unhappy ..
DSS's mum only sees him EOW so has little input, and understandably wants to do something more exciting with him while he's there than have him tied to his desk. That's what she said when DP broached the issue with her over the summer when we got his grades for Y12.
What can we do to help him? Has anyone any experience of this? FWIW when I met DP he was a lovely lad and happy and outgoing. But now he's turned into a lazy, careless, rude young man and I believe it's unhappiness that's causing it, but we don't know what to do :(.