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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really cross and a bit upset my husband won’t go to counselling?

28 replies

whatkatydid2013 · 01/10/2020 15:24

Husband has previously suffered from depression but he’d been doing loads better over recent years following some sessions with a counsellor and getting out on his bike frequently, which he finds a big help. Over past year a combination, a hernia that has been increasingly uncomfortable/sometimes painful(he’s recently had surgery on it but isn’t recovered yet, stress at work and lockdown have all probably contributed to him reaching a point where he’s feeling very low and like life is all a bit pointless. I’ve never suffered from depression but I don’t think I’m unsympathetic and I try and fit in with what he asks that he feels would help. This has included taking on all planning of the household tasks, childcare, homeschool over lockdown etc (I’d stress he’s done and continues to do lots of the jobs but just can’t deal with organising what we are doing), changing what we eat, giving up alcohol and trying really hard not to ask how he’s doing since it really irritates him. He eventually acknowledged almost 3 weeks back after losing his temper and shouting at the kids and then later at me over nothing that he’s struggling with mood/temper and needs to get some help (the kids giggling while eating dinner and then me saying that he was being utterly unreasonable to shout at them for that). He spoke to the GP, got contact details for a local charity giving counselling and agreed to call them. He still hasn’t called them. I’ve asked him 3 times so far if he’s done it yet. Today when I asked he got really cross and snapped that he didn’t want to and didn’t need any help then stomped out and slammed the door. I know it’s horrible feeling depressed. I don’t want to make him feel worse but I also don’t want him to keep being an arse to me, or worse the children, because he doesn’t want to talk to someone and get some help. Am I being unreasonable and a bit unkind to be really cross with him? Is there a different approach that might help persuade him to call the charity? Sometimes I think I’m being unsympathetic but I just feel like if you know there is a problem and you refuse to even try and fix it then at what point does it become your fault there is a problem.

OP posts:
whatkatydid2013 · 02/10/2020 16:53

@Flittingaboutagain

Hi OP have you read or watched any Depression Fallout or Living with the Black Dog? It might help you to learn more about why he might not be able to pick up the phone just yet. It doesn't mean that he won't next week or the one after though.
I hadn’t but I’ve bought living with the black dog and started reading it. Thank you for the suggestion.
OP posts:
speakout · 02/10/2020 17:04

OP you have my sympathies.

Ultimately it's up to the depressed person to want to seek help. THey know what they "should" be doing, but often can't.
I live with a person with severe depression and have actually pushed so hard that they have visited counsellors- all refused to work with him because he was not comitted to the process.

Stop pushing - you can't "fix " him.

Accept that this is the way your OH feels - this is his journey.
But you must build boundaries and find a way to limit any negative impact his illness has on you and the children.

This may ultimately mean spending time apart- but it is not fair to you or your children to live a half life.

Flittingaboutagain · 03/10/2020 16:38

You're welcome. All the best to you both.

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