to think that not all men are as bad the ones we read about on here?

[ScatteredMama82]

I find myself thanking my lucky stars for my DH. I can't believe that so man men are selfish, financially abusive, controlling or just plain useless!
After reading a thread about a man who 'pays his wife an allowance' to stay at home and look after the kids and today the one about a man who refuses to consider a vasectomy but would expect his wife to have an abortion if she fell pregnant... Who on earth are all these awful men? Why are women with them?

Well, people post on here if they have problems. It's unlikely your going to get a thread titled "My DH is just fine, actually".

Not all but some men and women as partners will be this awful and much worse. presumably selective sample effects as with other issues on MN (MIL/DIL for example) and other media - people who are broadly happy with their DP/MIL/DIL don't post as much. Posts about awful behaviour get more comments/suggestions of help.

As a female dominated site, we're only ever getting one side of the story. And, as PP said, people very rarely post on the internet just to say that their DH is awesome (slight sneaky brag from you there!!).
I know that I personally have vented rather harshly about DH on here in a way I'd never speak about him to friends or family because it's disrespectful to say it to people whose opinions may be coloured by it. DH is an incredible person and I adore him but no one is perfect. There are days when his flaws get to me and I need a place to check I'm justified in my response or to get it off my chest so I don't explode at him.
Thirdly, some women on here will find an abusive behaviour in everything a man does. I read a thread once where someone was calling a man abusive for driving despite being colourblind (it was in no way the point of the thread) because he couldn't tell the colour of traffic lights and was risking his whole family's lives. You could argue making breakfast in bed for a woman is treating her like she's incapable. SAHD's are lazy but men who work too much aren't home enough. If he has hobbies then he's checked out if he doesn't have hobbies then he's too clingy. If he does all the housework he's controlling, if he doesn't then he's lazy etc etc etc. There's a way to portray every scenario negatively - and some women are looking for the bad in everyone.
So, no, I don't think men are as bad as they appear on here. I think this is not a good sampling tool.

Of course not

But the at the same time we only get one side of the story which is then jumped upon by the great soothsayers of MN and the man is made out to be the devil incarnate? Women can be just as emotionally abusive and controlling as men it's just no one readily admits to it on here as no one likes to see those traits within their own behaviour.

From what I've seen over time on MN a man can do no right

You will also find that often on these posts the OP will also list a positive such as good with the DC or pulls his weight. Unfortunately that often isn’t enough to counteract the problem about which they’re posting! But that’s why they don’t up and leave immediately, they want to “fix” the problem area.

People are not perfect. People are also not machines that keep the same settings life long, they can change for better or worse. When they married these men they may well not have known what was going to happen 10 or 20 years down the road.

I do think it’s extremely difficult to find a good man who will never disappoint you or exasperate you in some way. It’s life. I’ve chosen to stay single now as for me the positives will never outweigh the negatives of sharing my life with another person. For most though, they do want to share their lives with someone so they are going to be hesitant to end the relationship they have.

Nor are the women I know in real life so desperate for a man - any man - that they saddle themselves to losers like you read about here.

No one really posts " I married a reasonable man, we don't always agree but we try hard to maintain a good line of communication and respect each other"

As JunkC says it's the nature of the site. MN is a place to complain and say how nasty men are. Men are vicious and evil, women are wonderful.

My husband's great but sometimes I need to get away from him, I'm sure he feels the same (I'm far from the perfect wife). We both have faults some we talk through and sort some we put up with.
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Who is going to post ive found a good man im so grateful

Isn't this the second thread on the same theme here today??

I think as well, a lot of the time plenty of people’s DHs are lovely. Mine is. Which makes it all the more annoying on the rare occasion when he does something so utterly stupid or insensitive, so I’m probably more likely to start a thread about it than if he was a knob on a habitual basis....

I agree that mostly people post when they have issues. Plus it is sometimes about perspective. My DP is kind and respectful to me but his ex tells people he was an abusive arsehole. If she'd posted about him a few years back he would have been painted as a horrible man.

Well I’m hardly going to post a thread about how my DP is a pretty decent human, but keeps turning the heating too low... or the equivalent... so...

Threads are told from one person's point of view, it's not a balanced forum where the complainant puts their case then the other party gets to explain their position.

I think it's fair to say, assuming the overwhelming majority of users on this site are women, that we don't always cover ourselves in glory either.

Two things.
Firstly it's a bit like don't google your symptoms: No one ever did a blog about their dodgy mole that turned out to be nothing. In the same way people aren't going to start a thread about the average run-of-the-mill chap who does his fair share.

Secondly we get one side of the story here. This is obviously true in most cases, but as MN is a woman dominated site we'll not so often get the man's view.

I could write about my dh when the dc were little in such a way that people would be saying LTB, or in such a way that people would think he's doing far more than necessary.
Since lockdown for example: He's wfh, I'm working in the office.

What do you want to see:

1. He always does lunch for him and any dc around, usually does dinner for all, washes up and tidies away about 75% of the time. Bakes cakes when he's got time, does the washing and hangs it outside and even brings it in when it rains.

1. I always get up with the dc, even at the weekends to get them to school/activities. I make their packed lunch/chase missing shoes and get them out of the door before he's up. Heck, if I come home after the school run he probably isn't up. In fact there have been times I've gone straight from the school run to do the supermarket shop for the week and come back to find him still in bed (I went in and told him it was half past one (it was 10:00) and his line manager was on the phone. Not seen him move so quickly )

He never puts the washing away and dumps it in a pile on the landing/spare chair. I'm not sure he knows what a hoover is for (at least the last time I remember him using one was in 2006 when he decided to hoover up some spilt water and bust it) and he certainly hasn't really registered that floors/toilets/other things need cleaning more than once in a blue moon.

I've given a edited selection of the same person, with some exaggeration for effect! I do do slightly more of the housework and children run about, but I only work 50%. I don't really mind getting up mostly, and he does late nights.

Let's just say you are unlikely to get a balanced view on MN. There's a post running at the moment where some poor guy is being seen as the spawn of Satan for not wanting to move house to reduce his wife's commute by 20 mins and she works part time.

If I am completely honest, I don't even think so many men here are that bad.
There are some really bad ones no denying. Horrible and it's great women suffering can get help.

But with the level of exaggeration going on on where I often wonder about the "smaller" issues being. Well, smaller than described.
I think some of the behaviour described here is bit like an MN chicken... Made ott for attention. No one will tell you to LTB if you say "DP told me to stop doing x because it's annoying and he already asked me but I like doing x". However... "DP screamed at me for doing x as it's annoying and said I am stupid because I should know" brings in the crowd, innit...

Again. I am in no way saying everything is exaggerated! There are some horrible stories here.

I think a lot of young girls aren't taught that it's ok to have boundaries and end up with awful dickheads. I know I did. Mumsnet is great if you're in a bad relationship and afraid to confide in real life because of shame. I would have hesitated to tell a friend that ex dp called me fat etc because I was afraid they'd judge me. Mumsnet you just spew it all and don't care. There are some good men but a lot of bad ones.