For not pushing my son to achieve?

[ComeOnEileen11]

My son is not yet in formal education and I'm not forcing it on him while he's so young. I'm on maternity leave with child 2 so I play with him a lot - whatever he wants - trains, his farm, his zoo, stacking, books, outside with his balance bike, the sand etc. I some times steer him towards a toy that we can do counting with, or shapes etc but not in any specific early years foundation scheme manner. He's not speaking in sentences yet, but not through lack of trying. I try and put speech in everything.
His cousin is 6 months older and light years ahead. SIL is very geared towards achievement and has made a few comments that I'm not pushing my son enough. Her daughter is a very clever little girl and I have no doubts will do extremely well in life. As I'm sure my son will, at his own pace. MIL also points out quite passive aggressively that that I'm not doing enough with my son.
I think I am. Yes, I let him choose story books for us to reas instead of books for him to learn information from. But surely his years of formal education are enough for that? I read a lot and I've always considered that letting them choose their own material is the way to begin a love of reading. Should I be pushing him more? Should I be actively working on phonics before he can speak?
I'd be grateful if any early years teachers can point me in the right direction.
AIBU to let him enjoy being 2 before he begins actual education? (He does go to nursery for two days per week).

I don't understand your post OP. You are clearly pushing for achievement as at that age it is playing with the child and parental involvement the most important. I play with him a lot - whatever he wants - trains, his farm, his zoo, stacking, books, outside with his balance bike, the sand etc.

My son has just turned 4, and now we have just started to do some ‘ school like learning’ , maybe 10 min a day of looking at numbers, letters, a map etc. He does go to pre school where I assume they’ll be following some sort of curriculum; when I ask my son what he’s done he says we played and played and played.

Learning through play is learning, and learning doesn’t have to be formal.

I would carry on as you are.

At 2, my DD2 was not talking - except some essential words like NO, Mamma, Daddy, Bok (for a drink).

At 2 years and 10 months, she had not advanced much beyond this, single words only to convey what she wanted and would talk only to immediate, familiar family members.

Our public health nurse was concerned initially but I was completely confident in her ability to hear and understand instructions and DD's single words were quite clear. She didn't speak the whole time the nurse was in our home. The nurse moved on from age 2 in her picture book to age 4, then 6, then 8 and DD was able to point to any of the items or activities described by the nurse though she failed to distinguish colours - only for the nurse though, she knew them quite well..

At 2 years and 11 months, she suddenly gave a speech from the back of the card, not just a sentence, a whole string of them added together containing amongst them a sentence which on paper would have included a !, one with a ? and a couple admonishing her elder sister for failing to eat all of her lunch on her first day of school as she would be hungry and the fruit was good for her. There has been no shutting her up since.

At 3 years and 6 months DD2 was fluently reading DD1's school books, she cracked the code whilst sitting on my lap.

Here's the thing to give you hope - by age 7/8 ALL of the children in DD2's class could read as well as, or almost as fluently as her.

Children are all different and develop different skills at their own pace. Enjoy this precious time with your DS and give him as much support and encouragement as you can. Don't compare him with his cousin, at 2 a six-month age gap is huge and girls are different to boys anyway. Let him run wild in your garden and let him enjoy being a toddler.

This child is two? Just let him play! Your SIL is setting herself up for a lifetime of frustration if she's comparing her kid to others at this stage (and a lifetime of entirely unnecessary stress for her child). I like the advice given by @peakotter if you're irritated enough to want to say something back. Otherwise just ignore and let your son enjoy one of the few years in his life he is entirely free from any obligations.

If he is at nursery 2 days a week, they will surely be doing the 'curriculum' stuff there. That means you can just chill out when he's at home, make sure he gets plenty of exercise and do whatever interests the two of you. Nursery will let you know if they have any concerns.

I'd say don't worry about it, and get your DP to have a word with his mother, too.

It is horrible and damaging for children to be compared, and children pick up on it much younger than some people realise.

I am currently having this battle with my own parents, as my dad seems completely unable to have a conversation about his grandchildren without indicating where he thinks they sit in an academic pecking order, which is the most advanced, etc. etc. I think it's a really horrible thing to do.

I've got two sons and a daughter and I'd say a lot of this comes down to the difference between boys and girls. Girls just seem far more advanced (in the whole) at a young age. When I had my daughter the staff at our nursery said 'you're going to think she's a genius compared to the boys but it's just because she's a girl!'. And there is no doubt that even now (she's ten months) she had already his every milestone earlier than her brothers.

My eldest is five and just started school I'm August (Scotland), I also have a neice who is nine months younger than him. She has been way ahead of him in everything the whole time and I really worried about it, but he's a boy who doesn't respond well to being pushed so I've always just let him do things at his own pace.

When he started school he couldn't even hold a pencil properly (his motor skills have always been behind his peers) and within six weeks he can write words and draw confidently. He has come on so much.

I genuinely believe that children will learn when they are ready and no two year old needs to be pushed. They also let you know when they are ready by asking to try things or asking questions.

Don't worry, they pretty much all get there,

Typos galore there sorry!

Reading the title I was thinking that your DS was doing his GCSEs or A-Levels! In my experience there are children you can push because they get everything and others that you can't much.

I have never pushed my dd at all, let her learn at her own pace. At 15, she is incredibly self-motivated and worked hard through lockdown when many of her friends with pushier parents did nothing.

Intrinsic motivation is very important for long term success. Pushing does not cultivate this.

I'm a nursery nurse and can tell you you're doing the right things. Your son will be learning through play and enjoying himself. That's what being 2 is all about. If his cousin is 6 months older so 3 that's a big gap at this age.
Ignore your SIL and MIL. It sounds like you're doing lots of fun things with your son. He'll have years at school to study. You're doing the best things for him.

Girls that are early starters and very precocious do lose the lead and the dark horse boys catch up and shine eventually. I speak as the parent of a ‘slow off the blocks’ boy and ‘child genius’ girl - now they’re both equally fabulous (In fact the boy is pipping the girl at the post)!! No need to push, take at their pace and enjoy reading fun stories and playing with them.

Former early years teacher - sounds like you're doing all the right things. My ds is 2 and we are doing the same.

'Pushing' very young children doesn't really help them - it can sometimes cause them to regress and can affect their confidence.

At this age it's all about experiences, talking to them, reading to them, sensory learning, exercise etc.

My friend's niece is very young and had to do 2 hours of maths on Easter Sunday when all her friends were obviously just resting, eating chocolate etc. I do wonder what effect stuff like that has on an attitude to learning.

I'm firmly in the let kids be kids camp - playing, reading, going on trips out all build up skills and confidence.

6 months is an eternity at that age too, it's not really a fair comparison - the difference in my DD from 6 months ago is huge, there's all these new skills that just develop. We've gone from barely any words to sentences, fast walking to actual sprinting, seemingly no knowledge to recognising different colours, animals, vehicles, things in shops etc.

I find people like your sil hilarious and I avoid them like the plague. None of her hot housing will have any bearing on how well he will do on exams later on in life. I worked with someone who carried on like that about her child and I've yet to hear he has won a Nobel prize lol.

Well for a start 6 months is a quarter of your son’s life, so maybe in 6 months time he’ll be completely different!
Sounds like you’re doing all the right things by spending time with him and learning through play but not in a pushy performing artist way. I’m a firm believer of letting kids develop a love of learning, so helping them find that topic that makes them excited to learn. But he’s 2, so everything is learning - getting dressed, washing hands, seeing a cat .... just everything.

At 2 its fine!

As they get older I think more active encouragement is better. DD started reception without being able to read or write her name as we thought we'd just leave that for school, and to be honest I was quite anti homework, but it's actually lovely to see her interests and confidence bloom as her mind has expanded with learning. We're now a bit more committed now to giving extra support at home as she enjoys it.

DH is from a working class family and although he had an extremely happy childhood his parents never checked he was doing homework or put him in for extra curricular activities. He wishes they'd had higher expectations of him, as he feels he missed out on experiences and it's been harder for him to catch up in his adult life.

I have 3 and my youngest is 2. I do small things like count the stairs when we walk up and down. Point out different vehicles and say look at that green tractor. When we read books I may point out a couple of things. My older two are in school now and they do so much learning (too much in my opinion) so I think it’s good for them to be free and play when they are little and not in school. It sounds like he’s having a fab time with you!

I was firstborn and my parents lavished attention on me, I am sure they did lots of educational activities and put me under quite a lot of pressure to succeed academically. My brother was third born and while he was preschool they self built two houses. I know he got a lot less attention and dedicated educational activities as a preschooler.

We both got firsts from Oxbridge. If anything he is the higher achiever as he is also professional at a non academic activity. Relax and help your child feel nurtured, not pushed. There’s years ahead for that.

YANBU. Don’t let their decisions knock your confidence. I would probably not engage with them on the subject when they bring it up, be vague and cheerful and try not to get defensive - not easy I know!

YANBU. Books are everything to small children and your DS will get so much from you reading stories to him. If you’re worried about vocabulary then pointing to pictures as you read is meant to help children learn words.

My sister’s DD is like your niece and was reading letters, speaking sentences and even jumping at an incredibly early age. I felt a bit guilty about not pushing my DS enough so bought some magnetic letter puzzles and to my surprise he adored them and learnt nearly all his letters by 19 months. However now 6 months on he has no interest in them so I can’t even show him off! (Joking - mostly!)

I think having things around like letters, numbers, more complicated books is totally fine, if you don’t push your DS towards them. He’ll access them at some point.

Meanwhile, comparison is the killer of joy and all that.