Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect shift working dp to help out even a little with kids/housework as a sahm?

32 replies

micci25 · 10/10/2007 18:52

my typical day get up at 6:45am if not too impossibly exhausted by his constant and extremely loud snoring! any tips on that would be welcome too! feed baby (4 months old bottle fed so he can help with that) go downstairs with 4yo make her breakfast grab quick coffee! spend about 30 mins arguing over why she needs to eat her cereal/toast! go back up and dress and bath baby! make brekkie for dp and take tea upto to him if he is not on earlies! make dps packed lunch!

clean house then start lunch spend an hour arguing over why dd1 should eat her lunch and yes she does like cucumber! take dd1 to nursery class! clean house again! wash up lunch things!

pick dd1 up go to dancing class! come home make dd1 dinner! argue over why she should eat dinner! wash up after dinner! make dinner for me and dp! eat dinner in a rush coz baby needs feeding! put dd1 and dd2 to bed! wash up! clean up dd1's toys! spend the rest of the night ironing!

his typical day get up just before work (sometimes he doesnt start till 1pm) upset dd1 by turning off cbeebies to watch sky sports news go to work come home eat dinner sit in of tv moan about ironing cleaning at this time of night or go to pub coz house is too messy to sit in! come home go to bed!

things are pretty much the same at weekends! apart from its a minor miracle if he makes it out off bed before lunch!

is it too much to ask to expect just a little help coz i stay at home and can sleep whenever i like? i would love to know where he thinks i have the time to do this!

BTW he hasnt even bathed or helped bath our 4 m o baby yet! rarely changes a nappy has never been to a dance class ever!

if im not being unreasonable then how can i point all this out without causing a massive row? we are not getting on to well at the mo for obvious reasons!

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 18:55

'make brekkie for dp and take tea up to him...make dp's packed lunch.'

Why???

fawkeoff · 10/10/2007 19:00

you can't point this out without rowing about it,you feel obliged to do most of the stuff because you stay at home and he works....i had a really shit day on monday morning which resulted in me and dp having wordsyou need to spell it out to him
2look i know you work but i do eveything in this house and you think it's your god given right to do sweet f.a.....i need your help" you need to spell it out to him and let him know you are pissed of with it

Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:01

he has epilepsy and puts himself at risk of having a fit if he doesnt eat regularly to stabilise his blood sugar not sure if thats true but he and his mum seem to think it is! thats why the brekkie thing he wont eat any unless i make it! the packed lunch is coz i have him on a diet to try and help the snoring thing!

OP posts:
Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:05

i have tried asking him for more help but he points out how tired he is from work! he works in a call center and sits on his backside most of the day! he says its my fault i have so much to do coz of having pets
i point out that it is not the dog that takes towels out of the bathroom and leaves them on the bed and the bunny doesnt leave empty lager cans lying around the living room! we then argue over the animals! he doesnt like having pets

OP posts:
moondog · 10/10/2007 19:06

God he sounds like an utter knob.
Stop waiting on him for starters.

chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:07

Oh for God's Sake, do you spoon it into his mouth and give him a breaker with his tea in it? He is an adult. Leave him to make his own breakfast and lunch and take the consequences if he doesn't. He's never going to help with the kids unless he starts by feeding/caring for himself.

chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:07

Beaker.

moondog · 10/10/2007 19:08

And the beer won't help with the snoring.
That epilepsy thing sounds like bollocks.
I work with loads of epileptics and have never heard that.

chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:12

Anything positive about him, micci?

Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:14

yeah i didnt think the blood sugar thing was true but i reallt dont want him having fits as this just makes the whole thing worse! he had one last week and had to spend 3 whole days couch bound! apparntly he has broke a rib or punctured a lung or possibly both! he didnt go to a & e though! he is bit of a hypochrondriach and mummys boy! she did everything for him and now he expects me to be the same!

i dont mind the lunch and brekkie thing but surely he can locate his own socks on a morning without having to turn the house upside down! appantly he never has clean because i wont wash any for him! i put my foot down at picking up his dirty clothes off the bedroom floor! if they are not in the wash basket they dont get washed!

OP posts:
Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:15

there used to be loads of things posative about him! he used to be really good with dd1 even though she is not his and when i worked nights he would spend the whole night cleaning the house so that i could rest the next day! things changed when i got pg with dd2!

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:17

But the lunch/brekkie thing is sending him the signal that you're there to wait on him hand and foot. If you act like his mother, he's going to behave like a little kid.
If you really want things to change then you are going to have to change first and make life uncomfortable for him. He won't respond to nagging - it's just 'noise' he blocks out.

chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:17

Did he want dd2?

Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:23

yeah he did he was always really shy and didnt think he would ever meet anyone to have kids with! so he was over the moon when i said i wouldnt mind having another baby and even bought us a house which we arent living in yet coz it needs loads doing to it! im still renting and he is meant to live at his own house while working on it but spends most of his time here with us!

i think maybe he is jelouse of the amount of attention the kids get? or maybe deprssed by his job? he hates it and things were brill when he wasnt working but he is too lazy to go look for a job he likes! he gets annoyed coz there are loads of jobs he cant do coz of his epilepsy!

i have told him that things need to change and i can see that he trying but its just not enough! he only trys by not going out as much! he used be out about 4/5 nights a week now its about 2/3

OP posts:
jhyesmum · 10/10/2007 19:24

I can sympathize here.

I work full time 9-5. He works shifts alternate weeks 6-2 and 2-10.

I'm up at 6am. Wake myself up first. Sort DS's lunch, uniform etc out and myself. Get DS to school and go straight to work. I have quite a responsible job so it's not as though i can put my feet up!. Get home for 5.30-5.45. Prepare and cook tea. Wash up. Bath. put washing in. tidy up. bed.

When DH is on 6-2. He picks DS up and gets home about 3.15. Sits on the sofa and stays there. I get home he falls a sleep until dinner.

When DH is on 2-10, sits on internet all day.

Wonderful!

I can sympathise with the snoring too - any suggestions very welcome too!!

sallystrawberry · 10/10/2007 19:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chocchipcookie · 10/10/2007 19:26

So if I'm right you're saying he wasn't always like this which could mean there is genuinely something wrong.

Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:26

he has this nasal spray thing that helps a little with snoring the doc gave him but he forgets to take it and it only works if you take it every morning and night!

OP posts:
Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:31

i think there might be something! i know he loves us and doesnt want to lose us he just doesnt seem to know how to get on as part of a family! i really want things to work out too! i dont wanna be a single mum again and things between us used to be great!

hes not really into talking about his feelings though and i dont know what could be wrong! i know that he thinks i am bothered about our relationship and i dont love him any more i have tried expliaing that this isnt true but it doesnt seem to sink in

he was really babyed by his mum and didnt even know how to use a washing machine when we first met! took me ages to work out why he kept asking how long to wash things for?! we had a washer dryer and he was referring to the timer for the dryer cycle!

OP posts:
clamp · 10/10/2007 19:34

Sympathies - Have been going through very much the same thing. I have a 9.5 month old and dh has never fed him, changed him, bathed him, got him up, put him to bed, walked him, etc, etc. DH's life very much revolves around TV and playstation and sleep. He doesn't 'do' cooking, washing, cleaning, ironing, gardening, putting bins out, DIY, financial admin etc. Things (not surprisingly) came to a head a month ago - I literally broke down - the resentment had reached the limit. Believe it or not, he didn't realise!! (Deep breaths!) After a huge rant and him sitting 'stunned' at his otherwise easy going wife going loopy we managed to come to an agreement. I have to accept he is who he is - in the 13 years I have been with him he has never been 'domesticated' and I can't expect him to suddenly become so. Also I don't thing some men actually 'see' what needs doing. However, each morning I write a few things down that need doing that day, such as bins to be put out, etc and leave it for him. During the day he then manages to get these things done - admittedly in his own time but they do get done and without me having to verbally 'nag' him. I feel less resentful although I suppose I still do the lion's share. What I am saying is that you cannot go on as things are - you do need him to help. Do you think jotting a few things down for him might help? Might ease some of the tension? Good Luck and take care of yourself coz if you're not there who would look after the kids?

Original poster
micci25 · 10/10/2007 19:42

i have never thought of writing things down for him to do! i might try that one!

i only ask him to wash up after dinner and take the bin out once a week maybe let me sleep in for once on a weekend! (i have to admit i sometimes do refuse to get out of bed when he is off) but when i do come stairs there are breakfast things all over the place and none of the kids have been bathed or dressed and i find out that dd1 was allowed to leave her cereal in order have tea and choccy bics instead!

OP posts:
LazyLinePUMPKINJane · 10/10/2007 20:50

Even if the blood sugar thing is true, he is a grown adult and can regulate his own illness himself.

I appreciate that it can be very difficult to bring it up in conversation without sounding like a moaning harpy, but you are not his mother. If he is not helping in other ways, stop doing things like making his lunch, taking him tea in bed. Start making the small changes, this will give you more time for a start.

fizzbuzz · 10/10/2007 21:37

Did you try and pull him up about it after birth of dd2?

I would just leave him to it. He is an adult, and just as capable as you. How about him bringing you a cup of tea in bed and making you're breakfast. No way should you be doing any of that!

inthegutter · 10/10/2007 22:12

There's way too much cleaning going on! No one needs to clean their house every day, never mind twice!! Chill a little, spend some time playing with dd1 and stop the arguments about why she has to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner. She just does!!

morocco · 10/10/2007 22:27

no tips on snoring, sorry
is he depressed? if not, he is a lazy b###er but not so unlike a lot of others - count my dh in on that and of course yanbu
but you are doing too much if it's knackering you out. stop ironing, just fold clothes cleverly instead
don't clean house twice a day
don't argue over food with dd1
and give dh specific jobs to do with timelines attached.
good luck

Swipe left for the next trending thread