Following on from the Sandringham in isolation thread.
Here's my argument for pensioning off the entire royal family and replacing them with a wooden plank:
- The plank is cheap to buy and can be decorated to look fancy on state occasions.
- It is cheap to transport and can just go in hold luggage if a royal visit needs to take place.
- If the worst happens and it is damaged, you can easily replace it with another plank. It can't catch Covid and is easily cleaned by quarantining it for 72 hours and wiping it down with viracidal spray.
- It can't actually speak but it could issue written proclamations to open parliament, address the nation at Christmas etc.
- Since it has no personality or agency of its own, the daily mail can write whatever it wants about the plank and suffer no ill will or slander accusations.
- Since it has no personality or agency of its own, it can become synonymous of whatever values or credentials people want to attach to it.
- It can't have twitter meltdowns, inappropriate friendships with dodgy billionaires, health scares, questionable ethical stances on the environment or sibling fallouts.
- It can be used in many ways to celebrate the wonder and joy that is Brexit. Boris can pose with it, the EU can sit along it, like it's a bench to unify and cement relations and emphasise our ancient ties to the continent.
- Because it's just a plank, it can go on forever as long as it's regularly treated with ronseal and will therefore achieve National Treasure status within a single generation. This will secure the idea of a dynastic head of state well into the future.
AIBU to think this is a great idea?