Technically a Marty!

[Cherry111]

I know this is a stupid question as it's "Mumsnet" but does anyone else feel completely responsible for family life. I mean, when people need fed, when no snacks are appropriate, what clothes are worn, what shopping to buy, what is bedtime story, what time nursery is, remember to brush their teeth, remember to put socks on now before bed as it's getting cold, she doesn't like macaroni anymore. I need to phone EON and check the electricity prices. I need to phone the nursery to make sure our hours are correct. I need to phone the doctors to get an app for the little ones constipation.Can I have 30 mins to have a bath! Why are you angry at me after I've blown up about all this shit in my brain that no one else seems to take responsibility for! Oh but wait...you do a food shop, but only if I give you a LIST! I do think I'm bordering on being a Martyr but I really don't want to. Why can't people in my family just think for themselves. I'm so tired, I've cried tonight as I have had enough of thinking for everyone. Fuuuuuuuck saaaaaaackkkkeeeeee!

Yep. Mental load falls to the woman. My husband does loads round the house but it still feels like I have to push him to plan things/do important stuff and ignore stuff that can be left.

I do tend to do the thinking more of daily things organising things but DH and I are failry even on the rest

I shop mainly daily he cooks and we a do a joint main shop on the weekend
He just decluterring and more big jobs and morning dishes (more so now he WFH mostly) I do put laundry our, dishes after dinner, and iron the little ironing that we have which is not much.

Bills are direct debit so I rarely have to have any involvement in organising anything to do with this

I worked across the road from DS primary school, and close to his high school now so I tended to do the school thing more - and my work and shops are all close together, he commutes when not WFH

We help each other with what we do do so our life works for us the way we do it. I don't mind the planning/organising as I do it the way that works for me

If it didn't then we would work out how to change it - I get annpyed sometimes and ask DH to do something extra as and when but I never feel like a martyr, if I did I would only have myself to blame if I kept on doing things the way I do.

DH reminds DS as much as I do with his stuff and we both help DS with his homework

If you want him to do more then ask him to do more - I only know things DH wants help with if he asks me and he only knows if I need help if I ask him, it is easy to say 'but X should know this needs to be done' but we are both equal of not knowing unless it is blatantly obvious

I've felt like this this week. DH got the hump because we're taking the car off-road but apparently I need to get a quote (which I've asked for but with no response yet) for insurance anyway. Yes he has a busy and important job, as do I, why is it down to me to do everyone's critical thinking? Why do some people get to opt out of this, at home (but also in work? You can see where I am with this issue this week) Well not anymore. Diary invite to DH issued for review of Trello board so workload can be shared.

OP did you explain how you were feeling to (presumably) DP?

Yes, but I have been a lone parent for many years so am used to it. Do you and your other half both work full time OP?

This is very common - the mental load of family life often falls to women, with men happy to ‘help’ when asked but not actually displaying any initiative or taking responsibility for the load themselves.

I used to feel this way a lot, but my husband has really stepped up and is brilliant now. He takes total responsibility for home insurance / car / utilities and I take total responsibility for meal planning, shopping lists, friend and family birthdays, social plans. It’s now a decently even split.

I’m currently pregnant so might just need to be careful once the baby is born that we don’t slip into the habit of me being the ‘default’ parent. He has 3 months SPL which should help.

What worked for us was having several honest conversations about how I felt I was carrying too much of the mental load. My husband is an incredibly fair, decent and reasonable person but he wasn’t in the habit of ‘noticing’ what needed to be done. He had to actively train himself to pick up these tasks. He’s now brilliant, so it can be done if your partner is a good person and willing to step up.

Yes, it's sometimes called 'Wifework' (there was a book with that name.

It's been perfectly clear at times that DH doesn't have a clue how much if it there is. Until I started getting more ruthless about highlighting it, but even with some major inconveniences (to him, because stuff that mattered more to him , I left to him) he still doesn't really get it.

I think I wouid mind less if he at least noticed and ideally appreciated what I was doing. There have been times when I have felt distinctly taken for granted.