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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Toddler and a baby

24 replies

longdistanceclaraaa · 30/09/2020 19:23

I have a toddler and a baby. 22 months apart. Baby is 11 months old. Toddler is 2 years and 8 months old.

I'm finding the whole thing exhausting and stressful. I'm permanently tired. My husband and I are constantly irritable with each other. We have good family support so it's not like we need a break as such. I'm just so worn down by the relentless grind. I dream of the day we can all get on bikes and just go somewhere.

This gets better,
right?

Thanks!

OP posts:

Onxob · 30/09/2020 19:33

It does get better! Hang on in there. Mine are 15 months apart and I found the first two years hell on earth. Now aged four and almost three and I'm currently having a glass of wine while they play a sweet game of "hairdressers" together. No doubt someone will get too eager with the hairbrush and it will all descend into tears but it's still a million miles easier than the stage you're in OP. Keep the faith!

Original poster

longdistanceclaraaa · 30/09/2020 19:37

Thank you! You are living my dream. I'm seeing signs of a lot more interaction between them and I have a feeling, and do believe, that once they can play together life will get much easier. It's the total dependence of them both at the moment that is very intense

OP posts:

toomuchpeppapig · 30/09/2020 19:45

I feel your pain op! I have an 11 month old DS and my toddler will be 2 in a couple of weeks. Some days (most days) feel like torture. What does help is sending them to nursery for half a day a couple of times a week. Once at the same time, and then another session each on different days so I get some one on one time with each of them. Would that be a possibility for you?

I too hope that this will become easier in time, but I'm not convinced that it will!! It's bloody hard work!

Just remember that as long as they're fed and loved, you're doing a good job. (Even if you want to kill the little buggers a lot of the time!!)

Oysterbabe · 30/09/2020 19:47

Mine are 3 and 5 and play together really nicely. It's much easier than having 1 because I don't have to play as much.
Hang in there!

Letsleepingdogslie8 · 30/09/2020 19:48

I have the same gap - it does get easier. Mine are just gone 2 and 3.5 and they play nicely together (most of the time). It makes a big difference that they can both now communicate with each other and can amuse each other to give us breathing space. Hang in there.

Connelloni · 30/09/2020 19:52

It gets so much easier. I have a similar age gap with my oldest two and found it such hard work at the stage you’re at now, but now it’s brilliant and they entertain each other so well. I hated my husband for the first 12 months but now we’re good again Hang in there.

Original poster

longdistanceclaraaa · 30/09/2020 19:55

All music to my tired and grumpy ears. Thanks a million.

OP posts:

Ispywithmycynicaleye · 30/09/2020 19:56

I totally sympathise. I have a 1yo and 2yo 12mo apart. They fight like cat and dog but can also play really nice together... as long as the little one watches and doesnt touch the toys!!
Bloody exhausting though. Told my mum I can't wait till they are 5 and 6. She told me not to wish their life away. I said I'm not... just 5 years

Saturdayrabbit42 · 30/09/2020 19:57

Def gets easier...and lovelier...hang in there xx

BergamotMouse · 30/09/2020 19:58

My 2 are 26 months apart. Now 4 and nearly 2 and definitely feel it's got easier recently. I can remember at your stage crying in the pantry!!

It must have become easier as I'm now trying to convince DH to go for number 3

cazinge · 30/09/2020 20:00

25 months between mine, baby is almost 4 months, toddler nearly 2.5 and my god I'm broken. Just as the baby started to sleep a bit better, the toddler started some ridiculous sleep regression and is now awake for a couple of hours around 2am, and he doesn't nap. He goes to nursery 2 days a week and I'm considering another half day for over winter - I would need to have a slightly shorter mat leave to finance this.

Everyday feels like the hunger games and I'm the bloody tribute, so you are definitely not alone OP.

Mummydaydreams · 30/09/2020 20:05

Same age gap and my dc are about 8 months older than yours. DC1 has been so much more grown up and sensible this last few months since turning 3 so parenting has got loads more straightforward and I can see how cool and fun children as opposed to toddlers can be to hang out with. Starting pre school has worked out so well, I wasn't expecting such a smooth transition. DC2 is no longer a baby and is fully into toddler stage which is easier this time around so far. It's really different having a preschooler and a toddler. I found the baby and toddler stage such hard work and relentless. If at all possible hang out with them on their own sometimes as it's noticeably lots easier with one on their own and you can get as bit of positive bonding time in which gets you through the slog times. Bit by bit you're getting there. You'll be where I am in no time, emotional that youngest is not a baby and eldest starts school next year! Keep going with DH too, you'll get the headspace back and I find my DH lots less annoying now. I would say I'm really tired but not exhausted the way I was at the start of this year.

anorangeaday · 30/09/2020 20:07

I feel you, I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. It is easier than the baby stage but it is difficult now they’re both walking. I have been told it will get better so I’m holding onto that.

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 20:09

Awww I have a 13mth age gap. They are now almost 4 & 5 but I do remember those early years. Hang on in there. I promise it gets easier.

NataliaOsipova · 30/09/2020 20:11

I had a bigger gap....but it does get easier. There comes a point (in our case, when the older one was 4/4 and a half) and the two of them would play really nicely together. And they didn’t need us to entertain them and we could sit and keep a benign eye on them while having a quiet drink! It was great....

NYMM · 30/09/2020 20:13

I had 3 under 16 months....😂

crimsonclover · 30/09/2020 20:13

It’s absolutely does! 18 month age gap here and it was bonkers. Now have a 4 and 3 - they entertain each other all day - play with the same toys, do the same activities In the same classes, watch the same tv programmes, share clothes etc. They feed themselves, (almost) wipe their own bums, brush their own teeth, put their own seatbelts on. Every month they become more independent. You will relish every moment so much more because the baby years have been so labour intensive! You’ll
meet your husband at the other side too. You’ll get here!

Soundbyte · 30/09/2020 20:19

I had 3 under five and I was a single parent from not long after the birth of the third, and it was hell some days! It did get better though, so much so that I forgot how hard it could be and did it all again 10 years later (just two little ones this time, not 3!) so I’m now in the same phase as you for the second time! Thankfully I know while it seems like this is it for forever, it’s over fairly quickly overall and it does have its lovely moments too 🥰

Bettyboop82 · 30/09/2020 20:20

I’m currently ‘in the trenches’ too with 3 under 3, the youngest being 11 weeks. I’m sooooooooo tired and grumpy with the older ones and the guilt... oh the guilt!

ElspethFlashman · 30/09/2020 20:21

I have the same gap.

And actually when the second one was 12 months I was actually diagnosed with PND. And was pretty bad for the following 6 months until the clouds parted a bit.

So yeah, don't have to convince me its shit! And it really really is quite shit, having 2 under 2. Just a conveyer belt of nappies and sleeplessness.

I'm had two non sleepers back to back and I'm sure 4 years of sleep deprivation broke me.

BUT!

At 2 and 4 they started playing together. Now they are 4 and 5 and as thick as thieves. Like having twins. They did really well in lockdown because they had each other!

I have been sleeping myself for a good year, and can slob about at the weekends whilst they play together in the playroom. I can turn my back whilst they're together in the bath (well, go and lie on the bed with the doors open at least). They can go to the loo. They obey instructions in the playground. They can go for walks in a forest and don't need to be carried (as long as we don't go that far). I can give them a lunchbox when we have a picnic and they can open it and eat what's inside without me having to help.

THEY CAN PASS ME THE REMOTE CONTROL!

I am so so glad I have this small age gap. So so glad I got all the hell over in a few short years. So so glad our childcare costs are already decreasing.

And so so glad I never have to change another nappy again as long as I live!

Original poster

longdistanceclaraaa · 30/09/2020 20:22

Seriously, reading these is like drinking a beautifully prepared g n t, and having a lie in afterwards.

Appreciate every message- thank you

OP posts:

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 20:23

@NYMM

I had 3 under 16 months....😂

Eek!!!!

JofraArchersFastestBall · 30/09/2020 20:25

Oh god. I've got exactly the same ages and age gap as you OP and I've just had a horrible day with mine.
The toddler keeps hitting the baby. The baby is teething and generally miserable. The toddler is still awake - and I expect the baby will be up for the first time in a couple of hours

This thread is very timely, I'm reading all of the 'it gets better' posts with renewed hope. Thank you!

Sceptre86 · 30/09/2020 20:30

Mine are 15 months apart and we had very little family support so no days off. The first two years were difficult but it is totally different now. Mine are 3 and 4 years old and play together beautifully for the most part. Don't get me wrong they still fight and want each others things but otherwise are best friends. I love watching them play, making dens etc. My two are now in bed for 8pm as both are at preschool so dh and I actually get ro spend the evenings together.

Avoid the competitive tiredness, gets you nowhere.

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