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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my friend she’s obsessed and that....

22 replies

Frenzeee · 30/09/2020 16:38

when it comes to Christmas, the more money that you spend on your dc doesn’t equate to more love. Now, before I’m flamed let me explain. This situation isn’t something new, it’s something I’ve put up with for a few years now but this year, after the year we’ve had, my patience is wearing thin.

I’ve been friends with this person since we were in college so a good 20 years now. She has 2 dc the same as me. As a person she is lovely (usually) but omg she is an obsessive type A personality kind, which to be fair i had accepted as that’s just how she is, but over the years she’s got worse. When it comes to her dc they have to have the best of the best. Now I know we all like spoiling our dc every now and again but my friend takes this to another level, and Christmas has become horrendous with her.

She is financially comfortable but still insists on buying presents from May/June. That’s fine as it’s her choice, but what drives me crazy is that for the next 6/7 months I’m then told repeatedly not only what she has bought them, but also how much she has spent. Now before anyone thinks I’m jealous, I’m really not. My dc get a decent amount at Christmas, stuff I know they’ll appreciate, and I could chose to spend more but I don’t want to end of story.

I wish it was just a case of her telling me what she boys and spends, as that’s annoying enough as it is, but no. When it comes to money in general she’s obsessed and she will also repeatedly tell me what she has spent on her dc clothes, what she spends on days outs, holidays etc. When it comes to birthdays and Christmas she does go ott, and she’s one of those people who post pictures to Facebook of the dc’s massive piles of gifts, minus the actual dc though which i did a bit odd but again that’s her choice to do that. I am however getting to go the end of my tether with her attitude towards other parents who chose to spend less on their dc as she has plenty to say about that. She definitely does think the more you spend on your dc the better a parent you are and i just think that’s ridiculous. She also quizzes me on what I by my dc, and in the past I’ve said the odd thing here and there but I refuse to rhyme off a list of what I‘ve bought or tell her how much I’ve spent. Would I be unreasonable to tell her to pack it in as it’s got to the point now where she’s a nightmare. What’s worse is I think she knows that she’s doing my head in, as trust me, if my mouth doesn’t say it my face does. I don’t usually do subtle neither does my face. So I’m wondering if she’s bragging on purpose in attempt to rile me.

OP posts:
Sophss1990 · 30/09/2020 16:49

YANBU, that would irritate me too. Definitely sounds like obsessive behaviour on her part. Maybe calmly shut her down every time she starts quizzing you on specifics of spending, and just say that you would rather keep finances private. Can you perhaps have a bit of space from her; turn down invitations and take a few days to reply to messages?

FrankskinnerscRoc · 30/09/2020 16:50

Look bored, yawn loudly, & change the subject. Or if you want to start just tell her that you don’t need to buy your kids love 🐱

Frenzeee · 30/09/2020 16:53

Yeah i've not seen her as much the last couple of weeks as she was really starting to do my head in. I'm not sure if she just says these things as she's insecure and feels better telling people what she buys for her dc, or if she's doing it on purpose, trying to make it into a competition trying to make me feel bad for spending less on my dc.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/09/2020 16:54

You have a voice so use it. Tell her you no longer wish to talk about xmas, gifts, or money issues. Just tell her you find conversation about all that faff is tedious. If she actually is your friend she will oblige.

MirandaGoshawk · 30/09/2020 16:55

YANBU. I would be very tempted to say that I buy all their presents from charity shops and spent a total of £27.15 last year. But realistically, yes, looking bored and changing the subject is the way to go. It sounds as if she has something to prove... I wonder what? Maybe she has issues from her own childhood. But if you lead by example and she still doesn't get the message, maybe it's time to see less of her.

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 16:55

Is it a case of, grew up in family without money? I feel there's always something behind this sort of situation.

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 16:55

*she

Frenzeee · 30/09/2020 17:00

I guess i have allowed it over the years in a bid not to hurt her feelings, but i'll have to say something if it continues. If this year has taught me anything it's how little me, my dh and our dc actually need in terms of materialistic rubbish. My dc aren't high maintenance, they have all of what they need, some of what the want but they rarely ask for much. Don't get me wrong i love to treat them but i don't go over the top. I'm happy with how i do things, as are my dc, but my friend grates me as she's thinks you're somehow lesser of a parent.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 30/09/2020 17:02

It's always struck me as rather down-market; or maybe compensating for an impoverished past. Heaps of stuff and brand names and not a book in the house. Could you hint to her that rather than being impressed, people are more likely to think she's a bit naff?

Frenzeee · 30/09/2020 17:03

No she grew up in a rather wealthy family. Her parents spoiled her rotten, so maybe she feels that she has to live up to what her parents did when it comes to her own dc. My own parents are also well off and they went way over the top with Christmas too but i wanted to do things differently with my own dc.

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/09/2020 17:19

Tell her you no longer wish to talk about xmas, gifts, or money issues.

That. Use Covid if you like (it's a good excuse for everything!)
Say that going through Covid and lockdown has made you re-think your values and priorities. And while you appreciate that you're in a fortunate position compared to many people, spending money and 'owning' stuff just isn't something you want to talk about now.

So many people are going to be living hand to mouth this winter due to redundancies etc, that actually, having typed the above, I think I actually do feel that it's a bit off to boast about spending money at the moment. So I think you'd be absolutely fair in saying that.

HEYAhhhhhhhhh · 30/09/2020 17:20

In that case, I guess she's kept it up where as you've gone the better way about it.

Frenzeee · 30/09/2020 17:45

Yeah. Don't get me wrong my parents are great, very loving, did loads with us when me and my brothers were kids, pushed us with our education etc. So they definitely didn't spoil us to over compensate for something. I just chose, unconsciously at first, to do things different with my own children.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 30/09/2020 17:58

It's very bad taste to do this in normal times. In the current situation, it's quite despicable.

As a pp said, many, many people will struggle with daily expenses this winter, let alone trying to provide Christmas.

Simarilion · 30/09/2020 18:12

There's always the rather passive aggressive 'Oh I'm trying to reduce plastic waste so only buying second hand/home made/edible presents this year'. I'm genuinely doing this but because we're drowning in stuff & my family are very difficult to buy for so edible gifts make perfect sense!

CSIblonde · 30/09/2020 18:26

Does she feel she needs to buy love? Is there a void she's trying to fill with 'stuff'. What would she say if you asked her?

Pixilicious · 30/09/2020 18:54

I would say ‘why do you keep telling me how much things cost? It’s boring’

Twigletfairy · 30/09/2020 19:03

YANBU

That would be incredibly tedious to listen to. The only time I've ever really discussed Christmas presents with friends is when we've been swapping ideas

If she doesn't stop after telling her to pack it in, I would be reconsidering my friendship with her

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 19:04

Some people know the cost of everything and the value of nothing. It is very seductive and soothing, I imagine. I love a bargain myself and used to shop for dd months and months before birthdays and Christmas to get bargains. This resulted in dd getting quite a haul for far less than had I waited. It was something to occupy my time and give meaning to my life as an ill person. It doesn’t sound as if this woman is doing that though and I find this sort of commentary and bragging nauseating. I expect she has no idea she’s doing it though. If you confront someone like this, they are always “just saying” and refuse to connect the large, glaring dots.

mbosnz · 30/09/2020 19:07

Gawd, I can't stand that. It's so bloody gauche. Don't want to talk about it, and don't want to hear about it.

WINDOLENE · 30/09/2020 21:45

In one ear and out the other.

Spreadingcomfrey · 30/09/2020 21:56

Can you tackle it at a tangent? Drop in comments about how people are suffering with mh issues as a result of living in a consumerist society? Mention how material things rarely make people happy? Or every time she mentions the presents and the money spent, just say quietly that you prefer to set money aside for your dc's university/college education/driving lessons/flat deposit. Go gently though because she is obviously trying to fill some need of her own by doing this. Maybe she feels inadequate as a parent in some way and is trying to plug that gap in the wrong way?

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