I am working from home. I have a lot going on in my personal life that is very stressful- it is effecting my mental health quite badly. I think about killing myself a lot- I want to make it perfectly clear that I am no way at risk of doing that, I couldn't put my kids through that. I think my brain is just a bit broken and comes to that conclusion every time things get too hard to manage. It's not very nice to constantly think like that and I find it exhausting.
I have just got to the top of the waiting list for therapy so I am hopeful that should bring some form of help.
I digress......I am doing a crap job at work. I have no focus and get very little done over the course of the day then maybe one day a week I freak out at how behind I am getting and catch up with everything I should have been doing. I am very good at putting on a brave face. My colleagues and manager know about what is going on in my personal life and are always very kind and sympathetic but I gloss over my own feelings to the situation and make light of how badly it is effecting me.
I don't feel like I can carry on with things the way they are but I need some space from everything to try and get some perspective. My head is such a jumble of crap at the moment.
I keep thinking perhaps I should get signed off so that I can have a break from things and be able to focus 100% on trying to fix the thing in my personal life that is causing so much grief. Then i feel guilty. I feel like my colleagues have had to pick up the slack of me not working at 100% for quite some time. I feel bad for my manager who has loads going on in his own personal life and an immense work load which I will just be adding to. I wonder what time off will actually achieve and worry that work has been the only thing holding me together. All I know is that I can't keep living a life where my existence relies on me putting one foot in front of the other and hoping for the best.