Any secondary school teachers/parents? What would you think to this?

[Cosygreythrow]

Ds was given a detention today, for tomorrow.

It's the first time he's had a detention and he was loving being back at school and I thought he was behaving so both he and I are pissed off.

Of course he claims it wasn't fault.

His teacher rang me and at first I thought it was a praise phone call because the teacher started off saying how well ds was doing and bright and enthusiastic he was and good at the subject. Then went on to say ds had been given a detention for talking and being disruptive in class and was given 3 warnings. Could I have a word to make sure it doesn't happen again. To which I obliged. My heart sank.

Ds says. First warning someone was talking to him and he was asking them to be quiet but the teacher caught him saying he quiet, second warning he says he was having a sip of water and bashed his hand on the desk and said ouch (teacher apparently wrongly accused him of making silly noises), final warning resulting in detention he said the answer without putting up his hand, which he thinks was the only thing he did wrong, but claims he forgot himself because he knew the answer.

Oh and apparently there's a boy sitting on front of him who keeps climbing under the desk trying to pull ds shoes off, but the teacher never does anything.

What would you make of that little lot? No flaming please, I am NOT saying ds was innocent. I'm inclined to think ds is making excuses for his crap behaviour. Just asking for opinions.

I’d say he is making excuses too.

Sounds like "low level disruption" to me which can be so, so annoying and have a really negative effect on the class. Especially because a lot of it can be explained "innocently". Is it a lunchtime detention?

They sound like a kid making excuses. Hear it all the time when you tell a kid off “I was just...”

If a kid is trying to pull his shoes off get him to tell the teacher when it’s happening, not when he’s trying to dodge the blame for a detention.

Sounds like he hadn’t listened to the previous warnings about being quiet.
Let him do the detention and hopefully that will be enough to nip it in the bud. Sounds like he generally is doing well in class.

Perhaps talk to the teacher and say of course you support the detention but can he be separated from the child talking to him and trying to take his shoes off him just to make it easier for him to be compliant in future 🤔 explain they are clearly a bad mix

As someone who was a secondary school teacher and now has a child in secondary school, the fact that the teacher started with how well he is doing means that it must have been something for her to give him warnings. A teacher knows their student and tbh if it was usually a kid who behaved I would let one or two small things slide, the fact that a good kid had to have three warnings means he was doing what he shouldn't have been and is smart enough to know that.

Honestly, if my DS told me all that I’d suspect I wasn’t getting the full story, tell him to suck it up and do his detention and try not to piss the teacher off again.

This is why most schools have three warnings or similar. It allows children to have a genuine incident, or two. Beyond that it looks like excuses.

I'd say he was making excuses

It's a 30 minute after school detention.

Agree it's strange the pulling his shoes off has only come out now he's in trouble.

Just pee'd off he's had this detention.

Any advice how to nip this in the bud? He's pretty upset about it as he was crying. Don't want him messing about, he's a capable lad.

If he’s upset about it then maybe the detention is enough to nip it in the bud. Next time he gets a warning he’ll be more vigilant about his behaviour and not escalate.

DD12 is a good kid. But she got caught with her mobile and was given a detention. She got a telling off from the teacher. Teacher also called me. I gave her another telling off (despite the crying) and told her that I was in regular contact with teacher and for behaviour not to be repeated. Never had an issue since then. She knows that I wont take excuses and teacher will tell me everything anyway.

Hopefully the detention will do the trick. Often kids are horrified if they're generally well behaved and don't want it to happen again. And if he does...then he knows the consequences.

I mean, it's unlikely the teacher will retract the detention now, so he'll have to sit it. But if he's upset, fingers crossed it'll keep him from misbehaving in future.

It might be like he said, it might not. Just say you'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time but he still has to do the detention - and that you won't be happy it it happens again. Also maybe suggest he apologises to the teacher and says that he didn't mean to disrupt the class.

You tell him next time there’s a warning then he needs to be on his best behaviour for the rest of the lesson.
And if he gets another detention then there will be X consequence at home.
If he knows how to avoid a detention and that school and home are on the same page then that should do it.

Nah sounds like rubbish excuses.

But I'd have thought an after school sounds a bit harsh.

I think sometimes children need to do something "bad" to realise they are not cut out to deal with the worry and consequences . There seems to be a lack of taking responsibility for his actions in his protestations.

I taught my two in primary school that if someone talks to you when you are meant to be silent do not ask them not to talk to you, put your finger on your lips that way the teacher knows you are not the one talking. In secondary school you just ignore them.

As for nipping this in the bud, I think he seems upset enough so hopefully it won't happen again.

The school are dealing with the punishment you just back them up at home.

It does sound like excuses to me op- hope this one detention will be enough to remind him to not mess around next time.

Just tell him to go to detention but you’ll be disappointed in him if it happens again.

Sounds like he’s probably telling a couple of lies to you tbh to try and down play what he did Mx I have plenty of kids who’ve tried the same - it’s a natural reaction I’m sure.

But, he also sounds like a lovely boy, whose probably got carried away. This detention sounds like it will be a lesson for him.

I take it your ds is at the younger age of secondary. Speaking as a parent of a yr8 child, children this age seem very sensitive in early secondary. Perhaps the 3 warnings to get the detention weren’t 100% warranted. However, he clearly did cause low level disruption so Id back the school up and tell your ds he needs to develop other strategies and if the child keeps trying to pull his shoes off, he should stay behind to talk to the teacher or ask you to drop and email.

Oh and children this age lie like crazy. Dd has had a lot of issues over the past few months. 12 year olds are masters of telling the story in a way, which makes them look the most attractive and leaving out the bad bits.

He feels bad and is making excuses, that's probably nipped it in the bud. There is a warning system for a reason, and he had the chance to modify his behaviour. He'll probably fine from now on. Maybe he should ask to move places, though?

"Oh and children this age lie like crazy. Dd has had a lot of issues over the past few months. 12 year olds are masters of telling the story in a way, which makes them look the most attractive and leaving out the bad bits."

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a parent whose son I'd given a detention to.
"He says all he did was blow a piece of paper."
"Well, yes, that's true, but what he failed to mention was that the piece of paper was cut into 20 pieces, which the girls behind him had just succeeded in matching up correctly."

Once would be unlucky. Three times?
It sounds like it's a mostly harmless learning experiènce for him and he cares about it which is a good start for avoiding a reapeat.

My daughter got detention last week because she forgot her sharpner, 30 minutes after school. I thought it was ridiculous but backed up the school in front of her.
Point is children do silly things sometimes and I think they are struggling a bit being back at school after so long.
I can see it seems a bit harsh on your son and the last warning sounds a bit OTT but the lesson is how long? An hour? And he got talking or making noise 3 times. It's a lot in a short period of time.
Your son sounds like he's quite bright and perhaps the punishment will help refocus him. As he's upset I expect he'll make sure if doesn't happen again.
As for the other boy sounds like special needs and I'd suspect they have a different way of dealing with him which your son doesn't know about.