AIBU to check my 13 year olds daughter’s instragram messages?

[lockdown555]

Just that really. She thinks it is weird and a violation of her privacy. I think she is 13 and has a phone that I pay for and that I have an obligation to keep her safe. And for the record, I probably haven’t checked it often enough as tonight was the first time this year

I'm in the same position. I do check our DD Instagram, despite what she may think. After all, she is still a child and much as she likes to think she's streetwise, she really isn't - she's still my child and I want to protect her. It's a parents duty. 13 is still too young for complete privacy.
Unless I see something waaaayyy out of line tho, I don't pass comment.

It's a new world isn't it. She'll understand one day

I did it once at the beginning when she first joined. Needn't have worried and have never done so again.

No it's not weird. She's 13. I check all my dd's social media periodically. She knows that I do. And if she changed the password I wouldn't let her keep the phone. She understands that, and she understands it's to keep her safe.

Any responsible adult should be. Although they shouldn’t be on instagram, but I know how difficult that is in this day and age. If they are on it, it needs checking and supervising regularly.

What @Kazakaren said.

nope, my kids have free access to the internet, on the understanding i can see anything whenever i ask.

My younger dds won’t have it or facebook. Yes I’m going to be that parent..

It’s beyond toxic and invites absolute cretins in to your child’s life.

The messages I read on my nieces insta were sickening and she was 14

I've always told dd I will check her phone periodically, last year when she was 13 I found she had been messaging boys she didn't know 😕

Luckily I found out before it involved sending pictures...

Any responsible parent should check their child's phone carefully. FWIW my dd has not been allowed social media since that incident.

Yes, I check all of my children’s devices regularly. It’s not like you’re snooping into a private diary. I try not to delve into private messenger accounts unless there’s a specific reason for me to. As for WhatsApp groups and social media, I’ll literally check every single post on every single platform that they’re on. I have tik tok, Instagram and twitter accounts just to check on what they’re posting. I think it’s irresponsible not to. Apart from the bullying that goes on in the groups and online, they’re exposing themselves to people who could be dangerous. Never mind that they don’t understand that some silly things they post could end up ruining their lives. They understand and accept that if they want their phones they have to use them sensibly, and they’re happy to hand them over for me to inspect whenever I ask them

I think it’s more unreasonable you’re letting her have an Instagram tbh.

Have you watched the social dilemma on Netflix? If you haven’t, please do.
The link between social media being more available on phones and suicide rates in 10-14 year olds really shocked me.

Instagram even makes adults feel shit with the distorted fake reality.

@Byallmeans I will be too.
It’s too much for an adults brain, and makes adults depressed. Never mind 13-14-15 year olds.

@Onadifferentuniverse if you don't let them they'll get one somehow. Surely it's better to know and keep tabs than have them making accounts in secret?

There was a net-safety expert on the radio lately who said parents are too afraid to let their children outside but happy to let them talk to anyone they want to on the internet. He also said that we'll look back on a time when parents allowed their children unsupervised access to the internet and people will be shocked, like we are now when people say they were allowed to smoke at 12. You're doing the right thing. The internet is full of weirdos.

You'd be very unreasonable not to check it.

I'm a teacher and think you are 100% not being unreasonable. You would be unreasonable, unloving and insane not to.

Would you let your child wander the streets at all hours of the night and day without giving you any information on what they were doing or who they were with? The internet is no different.

I've recently let my 13 year old have instagram. But I have her account on my phone as an added account on my own. So I can see everything. So far she's very underwhelmed by it and has hardly been on there. Tik Tok is another matter, she's obsessed with watching shit tik tok videos. I don't get it.

My DD is 13, the rules of her having a nice new shiny phone is I get to check her social media.

She knows why and doesn't question it, but I know she'd prefer me not to.

My DD is 13, the rules of her having a nice new shiny phone is I get to check her social media.

She knows why and doesn't question it, but I know she'd prefer me not to.

Thanks all - I will keep doing what I am doing!

When ds13 was given an ipad when he was 8 and had it for school and now a phone this year the rule was they are his BUT if we want to check it for any reason we will, we did once or twice (he is not into social media at all) for a discord thing he was on but saw nothing too bad so had a word and felt no need to check now.

We hold all his passwords/log in details, he has no problems with us checking and haven't felt the need to so will stick with this for now

Please check.

I have spent most of my working life providing advice, care and mopping up the tears of teens and parents alike when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. In some cases ( quite serious) only being able to offer a box of tissues and no real help because the damage had been done.

Social media is for sharing, people are the commodity of these businesses and the information that is shared, children don’t quite realise what this means and without the proper facility to make this choice they need guidance and supervision.

I have faced outraged teens and the parents who go on about privacy etc... privacy if for what is kept in a diary, or in a draw in their bedroom. Not for social media when life changing mistakes and harm can be done if it is not supervised with love, care and discretion.

You are doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing. It seems seems counterproductive to giving teens more trust and freedom but you're not invading their privacy if you're checking what they say or do on a public platform. Even messenger accounts etc (which are a bit more private) can still be made pretty public.

YANBU and personally I'd think you were being neglectful if you didn't. My sons got their mobiles on the clear understanding that they would not be private til they were 16. Along with a lecture on not saying or looking at anything on line that you wouldn't be happy for other people to know about.

Ds1 is 14 now and in truth I rarely look at his phone as so much of what he looks at is mindless drivel gaming related.

No, I used to check dd's phone regularly when she was that age. It is the responsible thing to do when they are younger. I don't check any more, as I'm confident that I don't need to, and it would therefore be an unnecessary invasion of her privacy. It's a judgement call for each parent as to when they need to stop.

Parents should not kid themselves, though. We never really know what they are doing online. Loads of kids set up second accounts that their parents don't know about, and filter what they don't want their parents to see through those second accounts. So check as you think fit, but make sure that your dc really understand the risks for themselves as well, because you will never be able to protect them totally.