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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect more from ex?

19 replies

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 13:43

My ex and I have been split up for 3 years, we have 4 children and he left me when I was pregnant with the youngest, he didn’t bother seeing them for 3 years and seen them about 3 times in that time. About 6 months ago he contacted me and said he wanted to start seeing them again regularly and be a dad, we spoke and he basically told me he wants to see them every other weekend for the day, so twice a month, at first I allowed the situation but as time has gone on I’m starting to feel resentful about it, he has no home to take them to so can only come here to see them, would it be unreasonable to tell him he needs to step up and be a proper dad and see them more or not to bother? It’s really not been easy raising 4 children alone and my oldest two have additional needs so even harder and all he wants to do is take them to the park twice a month. Should I be insisting on weekly visits?

OP posts:

CitizenFame · 29/09/2020 13:54

I don’t get it. You’re resentful that he has no place to take them except to the park and to see them at your house and said he needs to step up more. I thought you meant stepping up by finding his own place but your solution is to just insist on weekly visits instead of fortnightly which means more park trips and more time at your house. How will this not breed further resentment or have I missed something?

Patchworkpatty · 29/09/2020 13:57

Where does he live at the moment OP ?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 13:59

Resentful that I do all the hard work and he sees them twice a month (if that, as it’s been 3 weeks now)

He lives in shared housing

OP posts:

AGoatAteIt · 29/09/2020 14:02

YANBU to be frustrated and pissed off that this man has helped to bring 4 children into the world and can’t or won’t parent them properly- a trip to the park every other weekend is not parenting.

I doubt insisting he sees them more often will work even if his current situation changes. Where does he live right now?

AGoatAteIt · 29/09/2020 14:06

Sorry crossed post. Does he have any relatives (parents, siblings) who he could take the children to visit for a full day or even overnight on his weekends?

It’s your responsibility to facilitate contact- as in make the children available to see their dad, but it’s not your responsibility to make your home available for those times. I would hate it. No, he needs to find another solution. Not you. Him.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 14:09

I don’t want him at my house, he sees them here because he lives 2 hours away so it makes no sense that he takes them there and back (4 hours public transport) for the day, no family he can take them to. He has no intention of getting his own place.

OP posts:

CitizenFame · 29/09/2020 14:12

@Givemeabreak88

So how will increasing the visits from fortnightly to weekly make the situation better for you then?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 14:18

CitizenFame Yes there dad coming to take them out more often would of course make things easier, my kids are upset about the lack of interest/contact as well. He doesn’t speak to them at all between his fortnightly visits, I’m sorry that you think that’s adequate parenting but it isn’t.

OP posts:

RedRumTheHorse · 29/09/2020 14:21

OP if he has nowhere to take them to then why would him seeing them weekly be good for them?

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 14:22

He can take them out , cinema etc on the weekend, didn’t realise it was unreasonable to expect a father to see his kids more than once a fortnight for a few hours, clearly it is

OP posts:

RedRumTheHorse · 29/09/2020 14:28

OP have you told him that you don't want him in your house as it confuses the kids and told him to take the kids out? Have you suggested to him that he calls the kids twice a week as they want to speak to him?

Do that first then see his reaction and actions, before asking him to see them weekly.

CitizenFame · 29/09/2020 14:29

@Givemeabreak88

He can take them out , cinema etc on the weekend, didn’t realise it was unreasonable to expect a father to see his kids more than once a fortnight for a few hours, clearly it is

It’s not unreasonable, it just either doesn’t make sense or you’re not explaining it properly.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 14:32

RedRumTheHorse I explained to him about the house situation as he would try to stay over, fall asleep on the sofa so I had to put a stop to it.

OP posts:

RedRumTheHorse · 29/09/2020 14:41

OP so your ex while completely useless does do some of the things you tell him.

So tell him that he is not to see the kids in your house but take them out and he must phone them twice a weeks as the kids want to speak to him in the week. Also give him the times that he should call them e.g. 6pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

If he does these for 6 weeks without you having to tell him again then tell him to take the kids out weekly.

VeniceQueen2004 · 29/09/2020 15:15

Hi OP

I don't think it's that people think this is good enough; I think they see he is being a crap dad and are thinking your best approach for your kids would be for them to be exposed to him as little as possible. He is helping you out with this by being half-arsed. As they get older and less easy to amuse he will drift away and hopefully become an extremely fringe influence on their lives. Which is a GOOD THING. Any father who could fuck off for three years and not bother with his kids, and then can only shift himself to take them down the park twice a month, is a dad well worth seeing as little of as possible.

It is hard on you and you are more than within your rights to resent him being a waste of space. But you hectoring him and demanding he see MORE of the children isn't going to make him less of a waste of space.

What you can insist on is that when he has them, he does not come into your house. He takes them out. Where he takes them isn't your problem, that's his contact time. As long as it's safe, it's his issue. As they grow into their teen years I daresay they will be less interested in moseying around the park with him and will begin to make their own arrangements.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 18:58

Thanks that is fair enough, I just wanted to tell him to step up as a parent but maybe that is the wrong approach

OP posts:

spanieleyes · 29/09/2020 19:04

Trouble is, you can't MAKE someone step up. They either will or they won't. Insisting they do won't work.

Notenoughchocolateomg · 29/09/2020 21:32

Don't you just love Disney dads. I feel for you OP, I have 2 children who now don't see him. Long story, but when we first split up it was very much i did the parenting and he played at Disney dad-took them to his mums to do all the work etc. Its easier on your own.

Original poster

Givemeabreak88 · 29/09/2020 21:59

Notenoughchocolateomg Thank you for understanding, that’s exactly how I feel, I feel more resentment now that he is “around” (if you can even call it that) Than when he was completely off the scene, out of sight out of mind basically, but now it’s worse in a sense as he’s lack of parenting is much more irritating to me now then when he was not in the picture, I mean he is more like an uncle than a dad, just thought maybe I should tell him step up and be a real dad or don’t bother with them at all.

OP posts:

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