Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect ex dp to put seeing his kids over playing football and going to the pub?

13 replies

hurricane · 10/10/2007 14:34

DP has left me. His decision. Not mine. Taking with him initially only a box of condoms by the way. And with no prior warning, discussion, attempt to resolve the difficulties he perceived we were having. Dcs are 5 and 3.

We are trying to work out his contact with dcs amicably and I am saying that since he has left me with all the responsibility of raising the kids and holding down a job (5 days a week during school hours) that he should see the kids when it is best for them and me. This is Fridays after school (when no homework, uniform, lunchboxes, PE kit to worry about and it doesn't matter too much if they end up having a slightly later night) and Saturdays so I can get to shops, PO, banks, estate agents (he's left me with responsibilty for selling the house and finding another too), opticians etc and also have a bit of a break so that I too can enjoy some quality time with the kids on Sunday. I have said that as the kids adjust we can look towards him keeping them on Friday nights sometimes.

ex DP says he can't do Fridays because of some unspecified meeting after work (which turns out to be only once a month and finishes before 5) which may well turn out to be in the fullness of the time the pub (my discovery that the meeting which turned out to be not a meeting and the pub instead and was his reason for not picking up the kids from school which meant I had to wait behind at work for 2 hours to do this since I actually finished working at 1 was part of what provoked his decision to leave me).

He says he can't do Saturdays because he has just started playing football (though I have been encouraging him to do this all throughout our relationship and he didn't want to).

He also says it is me that is preventing him seeing his kids!! And me who needs to compromise!!

Opinions please

OP posts:
JoFan · 10/10/2007 14:46

So sorry, hurricane

He sounds totally unreasonable

hopefully he'll come round when he's finished his 'crisis' and realise what he's missing out on

JoFan · 10/10/2007 14:47

do you want him back?

hurricane · 10/10/2007 16:32

At first, yes. Increasingly less so. Seems he's had a total personality transplant and gone from being a great dad and pretty good though bit up and down partner to a total git overnight. Friends tell me this is what inevitably happens to men when they split from their families...

OP posts:
JoFan · 10/10/2007 17:46

how old is he?

could it be a mid-life-just-see-if-birds-still-fancy-me crisis?

hurricane · 10/10/2007 18:34
  1. Yep, text book mid-life crisis the first sign of which was a flash new car. Oh how we all laughed. No one laughing now though...
OP posts:
BecauseImWereWolfit · 10/10/2007 18:37

No - YANBU - but you may have to compromise a little. Sounds like you are (not surprisingly) very bitter/angry and trying to arrange everything to suit you.

Where is he living? Can the children not go to his one or two evenings and stay over there - which would also give you a break/couple of evenings off?

SecondhandRose · 10/10/2007 18:40

Relate - solicitor - why are you selling the family home?

hurricane · 10/10/2007 18:54

He won't do Relate. Says his decision is final. I'm going to a Solicitor. He wants me to sell family home so he can buy a new house. To be fair I want to move too to a better area where I will have more support now I'm on my own. House in both our names.

We're not married so I'm only legally entitled to maintenance and at the moment he's threatening not to give me any more.

Don't really want kids going to him on weeknight. He won't/can't pick up from school/nursery and I don't get back home with kids till after 4pm. OFten the little one falls asleep in car on way home. Then it's uniform off and sorted for next day, unpacking lunch boxes, swimming kit, homework etc etc. If they go to him they're twice as exhausted and he brings them back with all this still for me to do.

No matter what I do they're early risers and we have to be up by 6.30 anyway and therefore need to be early to bed.

OP posts:
justbeme · 10/10/2007 18:58

So sorry to hear this Hurricane..
I ended my marriage because my husband always put the pub and his friends first. But this was the case all through my marriage which came to a head once my LO was born (and I was left at home feeling like a single mum).

How about if he sees them some evenings in the week and then has them every other weekend. Then when he plays football its his responsibility to get his mum/sis to look after them . That way you both get 2 fridays/sat a month "off" (cos lets face it, he DOES want to go to the pub.)

hurricane · 10/10/2007 18:59

My whole life is a compromise now Because in that every minute has to be organised around the needs of the kids and my job which I now need more than ever for the money. As ex dp now has no other responsibilities apart from work (which is actually less demanding though better paid than my job) when he is not with kids I don't see why he can't arrange for the time he is with kids to suit them and me best. After all, I have had to give up social life and any other sort of me time because of his decision to leave us. Now can't even go to shops for a pint of milk without taking kids or getting babysitter.

OP posts:
ChantillyLace · 10/10/2007 19:00

So sorry for what you're going through! It is hard to keep it all together (been there, got th t-shirt) you have to be strong for the kids but feellike you're running round in circles. YANBU because he should at least being keeping it as 'normal' as possible for the children if nothing else.

I had to deal with selling the house and finding a new one for me and the children and it's a hell of a wrench!

Try and keep your chin up, try and stay calm (even if it's only when the kids are around) and he may just see that some things need to be sorted between you - not just by you and you alone.

I hope you come to some quick, mutual agreement so that you can start to move on, it soundslike ke has so you need to be able to as soon as possible.

ChantillyLace · 10/10/2007 19:03

I apologise for my atrocious typing! It was bringing back so many memories I got carried away!

As for the 'me' time, you will have to go it alone for a time but trust me, the day will come when your life starts up again. You have to allow yourself time to get into a routine without him being there.

Don't be hard on yourself. You do what you think is best, do it in your time and as long as you're not refusing access to the kids, you tell him what works best for them at least.

fawkeoff · 10/10/2007 19:08

i am sorry that you're going through so much shit at the mo hun, and IMO you are being pretty damn reasonable considering it was HIM that decided to throw your life in turmoil.If he doesnt want to face responsibilities of being a father then you need to seek legal advice, and if he is withholding mantenance then get on to the csa.at the end of the day you haven't done anything wrong and you shouldn't have to bend over backwards just so he will see his kids, he is a complete nob jocley and doesnt deserve any co-operation on your part x

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread