To ask how you forgive yourself for past mistakes?

[IsolationQueen]

I have made quite a few very big mistakes in my life. I had a difficult upbringing and was abused and neglected, particularly through my teen years, then I went quite off the rails in my late teens and early 20’s.

Some of those mistakes are still relevant to my life today but would be very self destructive for me to confess at this late stage and would only cause hurt and pain to others.

I am already seeing a therapist for help with this but I wondered if anyone can give me any advice on what has helped them to forgive themselves for their wrongdoings?

I feel like I carry this huge black cloud around over me and I often feel like there is no way forward. I’d love to hear from people who have felt like this but been able to forgive themselves and enjoy life again.

Is there anyone who hasn’t made a mistake in their lives? I know I have and those mistakes were a product of what I was going through at the time. But i look at it a different way and say it was a lesson rather than a mistake, lessons teach you something ie not to go down that path again

I have similar huge regrets that I can't seem to move past. However, I do not have a backstory that potentially explains them and I think for you, this may be path to your eventual resolution. Hopefully someone more wise will be along soon but in the meantime, the therapy is a good thing, well done for taking that step.

I guess you have to think what forgiveness means to you. To me it means not carrying forward a grudge or need to take revenge either of someone else or yourself if it’s something you have done.

Neither of these thoughts are useful, they bring the consequences of yesterday into today.

For me mistakes are all about learning how to grow. List down 3positive things that you can change about yourself as a result of your mistakes. If you were u kind to someone and regret it, you’ve learned empathy how can you apply that to now and the future. Make a conscious effort to help heal those in pain. If you stole from someone, help create abundance for someone else, a charity maybe? The only way to ever be Truely free of a burden is to look what blessings it might carry.

I hope you find peace and light on your journey.

Perhaps try telling your story as if it was all happening to and being done by someone else.

Can you imagine extending that person compassion? Forgiveness?

Often it's far easier to understand and accept the mistakes of others than our own. It may help for you to reframe your story with some distance and see how you feel about yourself afterwards.

The act of talking to a counsellor about your mistakes will also show you that other people who can see your mistakes can accept you as flawed but worthy of love and compassion too.

You know that if someone was writing a novel or screenplay about your life, your actions wouldn't be understandable at first, but when the backstory was introduced, everything would be understood.

It's like when you watch one of the documentaries about people in prison, and you realise their parents neglected and abused them and they had no idea about a decent family life - when they end up being violent towards someone you can see what led to it, how dysfunctional behaviour on their part was inevitable, really.

Anyone who judges your behaviour based on a decent, 'normal' upbringing is making a huge mistake. They would need to factor in your backstory before they could understand why you did what you did.

There's some great videos on YouTube, sleep hypnosis for releasing negativity/rumination try Michael sealey.

I have BPD and I really relate to your post, the way I manage it is to remind myself I'm not that person anymore and people make mistakes, we're human and we all make mistakes and we've all hurt people and done things we are ashamed of but it's good we're ashamed of it because that means we're better people already - try not to be too hard on yourself, life is short - just try not to keep making the same mistakes over and over again

There are some good youtube videos on this but the gist was: reflect on why stuff happened as a step to underthow it happened and only then can forgiveness arise. Or something like that 🤔

I think a mistake often made is to think you can’t forgive something unless forgiveness is ‘deserved’. But forgiveness isn’t like that. It’s about accepting what has happened
and taking a decision not to be angry about it any more.

I really struggle with it tho.

I have respect for my past self.

I didn't always make the best choices, but I was taking the choice I thought was best at the time.
Given my upbringing, my poor self esteem, my fears and anxieties I tried to make the most of a bad job at times.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, and I treat my past self with compassion.
I did the best I could.
And sometimes those bad choices have turned out to be the greatest opportunities for growth and transformation.
I don;t feel the need to forgive myself of anything.

@HollowTalk just reading your comment

You know that if someone was writing a novel or screenplay about your life, your actions wouldn't be understandable at first, but when the backstory was introduced, everything would be understood.

Has brought me more peace regarding my past than any self help book ever has, I genuinely mean that. It's just given me a complete sense of calm.

OP, like you I've dealt with trauma. I've been off the rails mental health wise, age 13 to 20 I was a mess and further horrible things happened to me. I also did horrible things to others, and to myself as I felt so mixed up. I'm 24 now and life finally seems to be looking up. I have been happy and felt like I've grown into myself the last couple of years. I've always felt a huge sense of guilt regarding my past self and people I've hurt, but I've finally recently acknowledged I've been through a lot, and it's actually incredible I'm here at all considering how many years I spent on the edge.

It does get better. I think it's a case of acceptance and moving on, whatever that takes.

@RedPandaMama Thank you so much.

@RedPandaMama I've just been watching one of the In Therapy programmes on Channel 5 catch up - you might find them interesting. The therapist there is very thought-provoking.

I think I understand what you mean about forgiving yourself. I had therapy later in life due abuse and neglect too. When my therapist said that I would forgive my mother I nearly walked out. Thought she was talking bollocks. Then after a year or so I got it. Forgiveness doesn’t let someone off the hook, it allows you to let go of the baggage you are carrying.

Keep working with your therapist and in time you will reach the stage where you can take the load off your shoulders and move forwards.

Sometimes it can be helpful to think of acceptance rather than forgiveness - being able to accept the choices we’ve made, and the circumstances surrounding those choices can be very freeing because it doesn’t rely on you trying to make things right or let yourself off the hook.

If someone you love was telling you the story of their mistakes would you condemn them, or see that they were doing the best they could in the circumstances they were faced with. Can you think yourself as a person worthy of love, empathy and compassion - even in those situations where you feel you made the wrong choice - you’re still a person worthy of compassion.

I have made mistakes that have been life changing, it eats you up inside. The best advice I was given is to admit to yourself that you got it wrong, and forgive yourself. It took me a while to get to that stage. I have spent a lot of money on therapy, the vicar in my village gave me that advice for free.

I had a combination of making the right choice in the long run - but suffering in the medium term afterwards, waiting for it to pay off- and subsequent poor choices.

Hypnotherapy helped me forgive myself and have more confidence in myself. I also tried to look at the positive things that were direct consequences of my actions and find 'silver linings'. Surprisingly there were a few. It was a great learning kerb about myself. I still needed therapy though- for trauma/my coping strategy for the whole situation

You are not the same person you were in the past. Perhaps you can forgive that person for the misdeed or situation, because she did know then what you know now. You wouldn't repeat those mistakes now, because you have learned from them. She has taught you. Forgive her.

To live through and survive the trauma you developed unhealthy coping skills. These along with development of the traumatised teenage brain (risk taking etc) led to the behaviours. You wouldn’t do them now. That’s progress! Is there anything in these experiences that led you to a better path? The lack of self compassion here is probably a symptom of your trauma. Notice when you do it and think more kindly of yourself. You’ll get better at it.

The other thing that helps is, if there is a specific person that was affected and they weren't partly to blame, go and apologise.

I don't mean beat yourself up, as others have said, you aren't that person anymore, but apologise calmly and politely once, face to face or in writing. Once it is said and out of the way, it is easier to move on.

The person you apologise to may take months or even years to really accept the apology. They may not ever, but it is good to know you have tried. xx

I have always taken the best decision based on my knowledge and experience at the time. That ill advised boyfriend? Yes, I was young and naive etc etc
I have come to realised that's things change with perspective and hind sight, not that I was stupid at the time.

Thanks so much for the replies.

There are some ideas here which I’m definitely going to use. I am keeping a journal so I will try to write down how these experiences have made me a better person now.

I think what I struggle with is that I knew the things I was doing were wrong, but I didn’t care. I didn’t care about myself in the slightest. I didn’t want to feel hope because I couldn’t spend another day hoping for things to be different. I just wanted to give up on life so that I wouldn’t suffer any more. If I confess to these wrong doings, they would crumble the happy life that I have built and they would also crumble the happiness of others. The only problem is, they are stopping me from enjoying the life I have. I constantly feel like a fraud. Like I don’t deserve any happiness. I just want nothing more than to be free from the past. If only life was that simple.

Isolation Queen I found this post because I am suffering from the same - I look back on the person I was and the mistakes i made and just can't believe it. It's like I only recently woke up to it all. I am trying to get through it by trying to focus on the present moment, listening to YouTube talks on the topic everyday, mindfulness and looking into spirituality/religion. I also know I want to do more to help people and this world going forward if I can. I definitely think if I can get through it I will be a better person as that's what I desperately want so surely that is something to take from it all?I think you will do the same. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you as I know how awful it is to be a prisoner of your own mind x