Dynamic between son and partner

[Rocknroller42]

Been with my fiancé 5 years. Ds from previous relationship is 9. On the whole we all get along well but dp (who has never had kids or really spent any time with them) decided to forge a matey sort of bond with ds at the start rather than an authoritative one. Which I supported to an extend as ds dad still very much around so he doesn't particularly need another 'dad' figure.

But over time this resulted in lots of 'banter' between ds and dp. Winding each other up. Annoying each other. Silly jokes. Sometimes taking it too far. I've spoke to dp about it and he has tried to tone it down but my son now has such an attitude towards dp. He will casually tell him to shut up, ignore requests and when he's pulled up on it his excuse is always 'but he winds me up' even when dp hasn't said or done anything. He isn't like this with anyone else and usually responds well to discipline from me, his dad, grandparents, teachers and so on.

I'm at a loss as to how to redress this dynamic between them. I feel for dp who is fed up of getting attitude but at the same time he created this dynamic and carried on with it even at times when I asked him to calm it down. Help!

I think you need to have a quiet word with your DS and point out that there is a way to speak to adults, which he is fully aware of, and he needs to speak in that way to your DP.

Your DP needs to pull him up (kindly) and remind him when he oversteps the mark.
And whilst he should still be playful and fun, he needs to not treat DS as one of his mates. He does need to be the adult here.

Do you think it might work if they talked to each other to find a solution without your input? Along the lines of: this situation is making homelife stressful and upsetting you, so they need to find a way to interact that is fun but friendly. Do you think your son would respond to your partner asking for his help to come up with a plan?

Tricky, it's lovely that they have a good relationship and you don't want to ruin that. I'd just remind DD when it happens that he's taken it too far, but wouldn't keep harping on about it as it could cause resentment. Pull them both up on it, as and when, and a few general conversations about 'respecting elders' without direct finger pointing.

I'm really not sure if he would listen. Sometimes my dp will ask him to do something small like put his shoes away and ds responds like a sulky teenager whereas if I asked he would just do it. It's not that he doesn't like dp, he is actually pretty affectionate towards him. But when dp morphs from the mate to the person asking him to do stuff it's like ds cant process it.

To be honest, dp has gone too far with winding him up about silly things in the past and this has made ds cross. Not through and malice just through a lack of experience with kids and not knowing when enough is enough. So it's almost like ds thinks it's fair game to speak to him however he likes. I'm torn because ds behaviour and attitude really isn't on. But at the same time I can see objectively that he's still a little boy with very unclear boundaries about how to behave towards dp. Whereas dp just seems to think that you should be able to wave a wand that makes kids behave exactly how you want

Maybe a sharper change in your partner's behaviour is the way then, and your DS will get used to it eventually!
They've both got into the habit, but as long as DP is happy for you to remind him, and he gets a bit tougher with DS, your son will soon realise things have changed a little.