AIBU - to let friendship go

IseeIsee · 2020-09-28T12:28:51+00:00

I have been friends with, who I thought, was a good friend for around 23 years. We met in college and lived together for around six years after college and had a great time. We both met our husbands in or around the same time and she moved away (but only about 2 hours away). We are both married with children and I now rarely see her but we keep in touch with messaging etc. She cancelled the last meet up and with Covid another hasn't been arranged since. I saw though that she has met up with a group, including someone from as far away as I, for her Birthday. I wasn't invited. When I think back she has been near me a few times over the last few years for concerts etc. and hasn't offered to meet. Given that we lived together and have such a shared history, I don't think I want just a message here and there type relationship. AIBU to just want to let it go completely? it might focus my mind on meeting new friends if I was more honest with myself that the friendship is over.

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 14:39

bump

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/09/2020 14:44

I think I would let it slide, yes. It's sad, but it sounds like she's moved on with her life.

SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2020 14:50

There is a saying about not making someone a priority when they clearly see you as an option and I think it fits here.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/09/2020 14:50

I may be going against the grain here because I know of people take umbrage at this but I wouldn't let it slide.

The reality is that after a certain age people have busy lives and multiple frienship networks. It just isn't possible particularly if you have both children and a job to devote optimal levels of attention to all these people but I don't think that means you have to let people drop off your radar.

I think people have quite different expectations here: some are much more demanding in terms of the resource they expect people to put in than others. I am perfectly happy to have frienships with people who I don't see all that often. I don't see it as a diss or an insult if they don't carve out loads of time for me, I just accept that they are busy.

But I accept I'm probably in the minority here.

Florencex · 28/09/2020 14:54

I don’t think you need to let it go completely, but I think you need to accept that lives move on and your friendship has changed. Only if you really cannot accept that the friendship has changed would I say let it go completely.

thepeopleversuswork · 28/09/2020 15:08

SnuggyBuggy I know what you're getting at but I think this thing about not making someone a priority when they only make you an option is a bit misleading with friendships tbh.

This is a phrase that's appropriate for intimate relationships IMO but OTT for friendships.

Friendships wax and wane according to what commitments people have in their lives. That doesn't excuse people from dropping off the radar completely or ignoring their friends but one has to be realistic and this sort of militant attitude is quite unhelpful.

The OP's friend has a husband and children and lives in another city. With the best will in the world she is not going to be able to devote the level of time and attention to this friendship that she would if they were still flat-sharing. Obviously the OP has to accept that things have moved on a bit but it seems a bit melodramatic and punitive to drop the friend altogether just because she lives in another town.

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 15:10

@thepeopleversuswork

"The reality is that after a certain age people have busy lives and multiple frienship networks. It just isn't possible particularly if you have both children and a job to devote optimal levels of attention to all these people but I don't think that means you have to let people drop off your radar.

I think people have quite different expectations here: some are much more demanding in terms of the resource they expect people to put in than others. I am perfectly happy to have frienships with people who I don't see all that often. I don't see it as a diss or an insult if they don't carve out loads of time for me, I just accept that they are busy"

I think this has actually been my view for quite a while and I have taken the view that people are busy etc. as am I. But on reflection, if she can invite others to her Birthday, who I know quite well, then she can invite me. If she is close by for a concert, she can invite me to the pub for an hour as she did another friend. She just chooses not to. I actually think my flexible attitude is one of the reasons she doesn't bother. She always posts where she is on facebook and I will comment, enjoy etc. and not be annoyed but am now feeling perhaps i should be. Not annoyed that she is seeing others but rather that she doesn't seem bothered. I think she just sees the relationship very differently than I do.

It is difficult to know and thank you for your thoughts.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2020 15:22

@thepeopleversuswork

SnuggyBuggy I know what you're getting at but I think this thing about not making someone a priority when they only make you an option is a bit misleading with friendships tbh.

This is a phrase that's appropriate for intimate relationships IMO but OTT for friendships.

Friendships wax and wane according to what commitments people have in their lives. That doesn't excuse people from dropping off the radar completely or ignoring their friends but one has to be realistic and this sort of militant attitude is quite unhelpful.

The OP's friend has a husband and children and lives in another city. With the best will in the world she is not going to be able to devote the level of time and attention to this friendship that she would if they were still flat-sharing. Obviously the OP has to accept that things have moved on a bit but it seems a bit melodramatic and punitive to drop the friend altogether just because she lives in another town.

It doesn't have to be a call to drop a friendship completely, just be realistic and consider lowering your expectations. I guess it's more of a downgrade.

billy1966 · 28/09/2020 15:29

OP,

I would make absolutely no further effort.
It's not worth getting upset about or commenting on, as it won't change anything.

Move on yourself and detach.

Focus on making new friends yourself.

BlueThistles · 28/09/2020 16:10

She uses you when it's convenient, and I bet she happily takes the Birthday gifts you give.

Move on OP, she's not a friend anymore.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 28/09/2020 16:13

Have you invited her to anything?
Perhaps she’s sitting at home thinking that you don’t make an effort anymore.

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 16:19

@JemimaTiggywinkle

"Have you invited her to anything".

Yes, I have. She did go to one group event with my other friends but is not available for others. I have invited her to see me and last time she cancelled saying one of her children was sick but was then on facebook that same evening on a night out with friends. I visited her but she hasn't come to see me in a longtime.

I think she just wants a message only, general chitchat type relationship.

I see all the time on Mumsnet that people say disengage if you no longer want a friendship but don't want to announce it and it seems this is what she has done. The penny has only just dropped.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 16:20

She is allowed to meet other friends! It would become rather unwieldy if everybody had to be invited every time. It does seem melodramatic to drop her completely; wind down your expectations and you won't feel aggrieved if this friendship is on the back burner for this stage of your life.

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 16:24

@katy1213 I know she can meet other friends and I obviously don't need or want to be invited everytime but I suppose I do expect to sometimes be invited. I don't see the point of a friendship if they never want to see you, but maybe that's me?

OP posts:

sonjadog · 28/09/2020 16:31

Her life has moved on and she no longer sees you as a close friend. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you or that you have done anything wrong. It's an entirely natural thing to happen. If you can't deal with it, then maybe you do need to consciously stop the friendship, otherwise just shrug and focus your energies elsewhere. The friendship may become stronger again further down the line.

Davespecifico · 28/09/2020 16:32

No need for any drama. Just send A Christmas card each year and leave it at that. If she starts asking why she's not heard from you, then you'll know her attitude is a bit hypocritical. If she doesn't contact you, you'll know it's fine to leave things as they are.

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 16:44

@sonjadog and @Davespecifico

Thank you. I will just disengage. I believe if I don't message her, she won't message me either and we will just let it slide. I think this is what she wants anyway for whatever reason. Such is life. Maybe when her children are older it will be different. Who knows.

OP posts:

SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2020 16:46

I get this. I see the concept of friendship as a verb. A friend should act like a friend through what they do and if someone no longer does this then are they really a friend?

Original poster

IseeIsee · 28/09/2020 16:55

@SnuggyBuggy

"A friend should act like a friend through what they do and if someone no longer does this then are they really a friend"

No they are not really a friend and she is not my friend but she is an acquaintance and I think she does want me as an acquaintance but an acquaintance only. Which is fine. Relationships change. Thanks.

OP posts:

Mammylamb · 28/09/2020 17:05

Personally I think that friendships ebb and flow, and you don’t want to live in each other’s pockets or have too intense friendships. You have drifted apart a bit, but that doesn’t mean it’s all or nothing: you can still be friends, but just dial it down a little, and let her make the next move xx

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 28/09/2020 17:16

I had this with a friend of 15 years, I thought a close friend, but things faded to the point where she never made any effort and, like you, I found id been excluded from social events.

My advice to you is dont do as I did and cling on too long when it's not working- admit defeat! I limped along in denial and it just led to a one sided, resentful and joyless experience. Things eventually came to a head and we no longer speak, but I wish I'd pulled the plug earlier in hindsight.

StrawberrySquash · 28/09/2020 19:00

Life, changes people move around and we just don't have time to keep up with all of the people all of the time. But that's okay. I have a good friend from school that I can not speak to in a year and we still pick up where we left off. I think that sort of thing is valuable and if we limit ourselves to only the people we text all the time are 'prooer' friends we lose something. There are multiple people in my life like this. Dropping people like you propose is often about defence because our feelings have been hurt rather than a reasoned falling out and I think it's a shame. Let the friendships ebb and flow.