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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that I can study and have a child?

17 replies

nospeak · 10/10/2007 12:34

After I had ds, I had a few issues with my MIL, basically she was unhappy that I was intending to return to work as it is not what she did. Eventually, I decided to stay at home and our relationship improved a lot.

Ds is now 3 and I have just enrolled on a part time course (I am hoping to return to university when ds starts school). In terms of time management the course is not particuarly demanding and I study for a couple of hours a few times a week when ds is at nursery and a couple of evenings.

MIL now has issues again and the snipey comments that had disappeared have started up again. She seems to think that ds is left to his own devices whilst I have my head stuck in a book which is not the case at all, ds does not even know I am studying! Because she is pissed off that I am studying she is now finding fault in everything whereas recently she had been quite supportive.

Basically she feels that because I have an interest in something other than the family it means that ds is not enough for me and that I am neglecting him.

Is it so wrong to want to improve yourself? I have a career plan, does that really mean that I don't care about my family as much as she does?

OP posts:

GoodGollyMissMolly · 10/10/2007 12:41

YANBU.

Did you decide to say at home because of your MIL or because it was right for you and your family at that time?
The reason I ask is, because if you stayed at home to apease your MIL, she is probably gonna try her damndest to get you to do what she wants you to do again.

I think your Dh should have a word and tell her to 'butt' out. It really isn't anything to do with her.

Good luck on your studies.

Bouncingturtle · 10/10/2007 12:41

Whenever I see posts like this, I thank God that my MIL is a lovely person. My FIL is another matter, mind!
YANBU - you are trying to better yourself in order to get a better job and therefore improve things for your family. Times have changed since your DH was a small boy when most women stayed at home. Now staying at home and working away from home and studying are all equally valid choices, you need to decided on what is best for you and your family. Your MIL is out of order but unfortunately you will probably have to bite your tongue and ignore her snide remaarks. Just don't let her put her off what uou have decided for your life!

Original poster

nospeak · 10/10/2007 12:42

I chose to stay at home because it felt right for us at the time, but I can't pretend that her attitude did not play a small part in my decision...

OP posts:

HappyDaddy · 10/10/2007 12:44

Tell her where to go. It's none of her business how YOU choose to bring up YOUR child.

She's clearly jealous at the choices you have available, but that's her problem not yours.

Lazarou · 10/10/2007 12:44

People can be so unhelpful can't they? Has it occurred to her that she could look after your little one while you study? Probably not. Tell her that we no longer live in the victorian times and life doesn't just stop for you when you have children. ALternatively just bite your tongue and let it go over your head while continuing as you are. She will have to live with it.

milkshake · 10/10/2007 12:47

Have you ever considered her "issues" are actually her way of expressing jelousy??? I think she is jelouse of you and your opportunities in life.........go for it with the studying and rub it in her stupid face that you are greater than her

sixlostmonkeys · 10/10/2007 12:47

I get this because I work from home. Constant digs about neglected children whose parents are constantly on the computer. Working during school and bedtime hours is more than enough for me thanks....but still they chose to believe I ignore my ds whilst I work.

Good luck to you I say! Try to get support from your dh, this is so unfair to you

tiredemma · 10/10/2007 12:50

How unsupportive.

As someone already said- she is probably jealous.

I feel so lucky that I have wonderfully supportive inlaws who offer to help with my children while I drag myself through uni.

I hope she comes around- its so difficult with no support

nimnom · 10/10/2007 12:55

This is very unfair on you and is none of her business. I agree with sixlostmonkeys ask dh to support you.
Good luck with your studies - I do it to keep me sane!

bossybritches · 10/10/2007 13:15

Nospeak you have a hard one to cope with there. Basically you AND your DH need to sit down & thrash this out & then have a chat with her.

How DARE she dictate to you whether or not you work??!! It's none of her business really- FGS you are entitled to a life & you are doing a course which fits in around the family so that you can start a career again when DC's at school if you want. Or even (god forbid!) just do the course for the fun of it to stimulate the post-natal brain cells.

Nothing wrong on wanting to learn & CERTAINLY noting wrong in wanting a bit of time away from yourchild. Bet she's jealous cos SHE never did!!

YANBU

Oblomov · 10/10/2007 13:28

How unreasonable. I am very lucky becasue my in-laws are really nice. I am thinking of finishing my accountancy papers and ds is nearly 4.
Have you considered telling her that you are really hurt by her comments and that they are unsupportive. And give her the details of how much time you will spend - ds will not be left alone. And that the rewards will benefit ds monetry wise and by your happiness.
Or alternatively just tell her to get lost

Skimty · 10/10/2007 13:34

Well you could alway tell her what my mil told me when she found ou I was doing an MA with the OU. 'That's nice, dear. I always think it's important that women have education because so often their husbands run off and leave them and they have to go to work to support the children.' [hmmm]

spooklesandwhine · 10/10/2007 13:38

YANBU

How is your DH with this? Does he agree with her or support you?

I agree with HappyDaddy that maybe she is jealous of the options you have that maybe weren't available to her - does she have a daughter? if so what is the situation there?

Iklboo · 10/10/2007 13:40

It's NOT your MIL's business. She has absolutely no right to start making comments. What the blardy hell is your DH doing letting her behave like this? Personally I'd tell her to go and procreate with herself but I'm a bit firey like that.
Sod keeping harmony

taGHOULah · 10/10/2007 13:49

I went to uni "full" time when mine were 2, 4, 6 and 7. My mum wasn't happy about it and has made endless references ever since to how I "neglected" my children while I was studying. The fact was that (a) I was at work anyway and not a SAHM and (b) they were at school/ playgroup/ being looked after by their father didn't sway her.

I think it's a generational thing. They didn't get the opportunity so why should we. Jealousy, as others have said. Just ignore her!

mistyamica · 10/10/2007 13:49

I think that your MIL is jealous that she never did any studying. She is full of envy because you can cope with more than one thing at a time!

I myself am pregnant and I will still be studying when my child is born. This dowes not mean that I am going to neglect my child!!

Infact what you can say to her is that you want to be able to give your child everything and by bettering your career you will be able to get a better job, more pay and you will be able to provide more for your family.

I bet your MIL was a stay at home mum??? OK, she may have been there for her children, but I bet she sometimes thought to herself "I want more"

She's just jealous because you are actually doing something for yourself and your family. She is just a glorified babysitter.

Good on you!! I wish you all the best in your studies!! xx

PSCMUM · 10/10/2007 13:52

of course not - go for it! why are you waiting until school to go to university?
lots of universities have nurseries, and you could take DS with you, and spend more time with him. studying with children is just exxcellent, i loved every minute of it, now i work and i really miss it.

your MIL jus sounds like she is a bit jealous TBH, but she'll go with it if you just get o jnwith it and show her it can work.

go for it! you'll have a brilliant time and so will your ds.

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