to think the toddler stage is mental torture

[MotherMood]

DD was a wonderful baby. Could count the times she cried on two fingers, breastfed with no problems, I felt almost guilty for having such an easy baby.

Now she's 13 months and has turned into a whining nightmare.

My friend told me she absolutely hated the toddler years with her two and I just thought she was being a bit shit.

But now I feel stressed from morning til bed time, she moans and cries because she wants this, or to get to that etc she follows me around whining, I can't wash up or sweep the floor or make breakfast without her constant mental torture device - her voice.

I feel like I'm having a breakdown and I want to run away.

I don't know what to do. I feel like picking her up and screaming at her to stop, ofcourse I won't. But I don't know how to do this anymore.

She has been exclusively bf all her life never taken a bottle or a dummy. She's in my bed all night feeding about 6 times through the night and won't nap without being nursed either.

I have tried sleep training and she just screams instantly.

YANBU - I'm very open about this among friends; those that don't share this sentiment or look back longingly either had a great deal of childcare in place with nursery, grandparents etc, so had lots of breaks from the winging or defiant behaviour, or had a perfect child (which tends to bite them in the arse later).

The baby time was definitely preferable to the toddler years. Then when they get a bit older they're lovely again. So there is hope.

Yanbu! Poor you, sounds really hard.

Obvious things first - do you have any friends/family who can come and give you a break? It’s ok to ask
Also - chuck all idealism out of the window. Will she sit and watch eg Peppa Pig for a bit? You need a break and a breather before you can even think about trying to sort sleep etc. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs and

It's tough. You share your home (and in your case, your body) with a creature who knows what they want but cannot communicate it effectively. Likewise, it's difficult for you to communicate with them as they don't understand.

Can you get a bit of a break? Nursery a couple of mornings a week? Family help? Where's her father in this?

This is when you have to use the electronic baby sitter though you will have to sit with her some of the time and at best be in the same room, as she will learn to press buttons and turn it off.

Reversed for me, baby months were mental torture (I loved her desperately but she was never happy!!). Around 10 months she learned to walk, around a year she started being able to talk in a useful way, and we found a sweet accord that lasted until she was 3 - now she's a total imperious dictator with the emotional continence and sense of entitlement of Donald Trump. I still love her but OMG it's soul-crushing sometimes waiting for the next strop!

Basically, YANBU to be wound up and at the end of your tether. We'll all get their with our children at points, be it as a baby, a toddler, a three-nager or a teenager.

Deep cleansing breaths!

Do you have a partner who can help you with the night weaning? Maybe you'd feel better in the day if you were getting more sleep at night. My girl wasn't remotely receptive until 18 months though so I know it isn't as simple as 'just say no'; it's a relationship.

Hang in there, she'll probably be one of those delightful little pre-schoolers who I goggle enviously at in the playground while mine shrieks commands at me :P

I think you need to wean her off the breastfeeding at least partially. That amount of breastfeeding must be driving you crazy - how can you sleep with her getting up to feed 6 times a night?

I always say between 1-2 yr old was so hard because the lack of communication and becoming so physical. My two bits of advice is:
Take them out every day to wear them out- explore every playground/ duck pond locally
Also just stop bf/ look I liked bf and had to stop for work but I really struggle with women who claim to be on their knees yet won’t stop. Your LO can have cows milk, eats solids- if they are up 6 times a night to nurse it’s a bad habit. A child needs sleep, a parent needs sleep just stop it. I also bet it’s adding to the daily whinging- if my 3 yr old has a bad Nights sleep the next day is crap.

DP May as well not be in the equation. She has never taken a bottle or a dummy. Every feed she's ever had has come direct from the boob. I haven't had a proper nights sleep since she was born or more than 2 hours at a time to myself.

What are you supposed to do when you're in crisis? I'm trapped totally and utterly fucking trapped.

I'll get shot down, but id say it's worth giving sleep training another go. I had to do it with my first (I was seeing stars sometimes I was that tired) and it took 3 nights before we saw an improvement, bit after that we were BOTH so much happier during the daytime.

Hang in there, as with all of this child stuff, I promise it's a phase x

@CayrolBaaaskin I now hate breastfeeding and I want it to stop immediately.

But she is so obsessed with it and screams if I try to sleep train her and to be honest I don't have any energy to go through with anything.

I really strongly agree you need a regular break, then you’ll be much more able to cope with it all. Could you afford a nursery or childminder?
Then you can have a look at all the different options for sleep training and decide what you’re happy to do. When my youngest was ill I let her go to sleep cuddled up to me in my bed, then I’d lift her into her cot. Once she was better she didn’t want to stop. I decided to just be firm, because she was waking wanting to come in my bed in the night. So I stayed with her and stroked her through the bars and reassured her, but didn’t get her out of her cot. She did scream, with temper really, but it only lasted about 3 nights. Now she goes to sleep in her cot and stays there.
With my youngest who fed to sleep, I followed the pantley sleep training, which is very gentle. So there’s lots of options. I agree with the previous poster though, that you’d be best tacking that when you’ve had a break and are feeling more yourself.

@MotherMood

DP May as well not be in the equation. She has never taken a bottle or a dummy. Every feed she's ever had has come direct from the boob. I haven't had a proper nights sleep since she was born or more than 2 hours at a time to myself.

What are you supposed to do when you're in crisis? I'm trapped totally and utterly fucking trapped.

Is there anyone you can phone for support? Like now, today, immediately? You shouldn’t have to go through this alone.

This is my 16 month old! I just had a baby at the weekend and my toddler is losing her mind! My elder two have a similar age gap and I don't remember it being this hard. No advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone.

I would quite happily have fostered mine out from their first to their second birthdays. I found the toddler stage a nightmare. Both of mine were also crap sleepers (and xDH was useless which didnt help).

With the benefit of hindsight I would have sleep trained both of them, probably around 6 months when friends' babies were sleeping through. I did sleep train DC2 at the age of about 18 months: the first week was tough but suddenly she got it - quite happily - and things were much better after that for both of us.

Can you put aside a fortnight to focus on sleep? You'll feel a lot better if you are not so knackered all the time.

Are you ok?? It’s so hard. My son is 26 months and just seams to be comming out of it. He was the most perfect baby he slept threw the night hardly cried. but the toddler months have been hard. Some
Nights he’s not slept cries throws tantrums. You will see perfect family’s with there toddler behaving well and you feel like it’s just you. It’s 100% not. There is a reason you don’t see toddlers on tv and people don’t talk about the toddler years.

They are extra cute tho to make up for the fact they are toddlers. You will have your great days and you will have days you make sure they are safe in a room and you will sit in the kitchen having a coffee and a bar of chocolate getting 15 mins peace.

Sending your loads of love you will get threw it 😘

Oh god OP, that sounds hellish.

Like another PP my daughter was the opposite - the first year was absolute torture and I would gladly, gleefully skip the baby stage with any subsequent child.

Will she watch TV? Just put CBeebies on and enjoy the peace. With trying to do stuff around the house, my 20 month old is happy if I involve her in it - let her sweep the floor or "wash" the cupboards with a damp cloth. It was around 13/14 months that she discovered the joy of emptying cupboards and drawers, so I'd just let her ransack a kitchen cupboard while I did the housework.

Otherwise, just remember it's a phase. She'll probably turn into a charming and cooperative pre-schooler. Sometimes it's a blessing that they never stay the same! Hang in there, it'll get better.

Try warm cows milk in a sippy cup?

Completely agree. There were some very dark times indeed. Also the major reason I only had one child.

All I can say is that no matter how utterly shit things are at the moment, this is a changeable situation.

Although you probably feel like you're trapped in a never ending nightmare I promise you that it will change, everything is a phase. Albeit the toddler and pre school yrs are unfortunately a long phase.

When you're stuck in it day after day you think, oh god, this is my life forever (at least I did). But I promise this will pass, she will change. It might take a while but it's SO worth it when they come out of the other side as a funny, lovely, caring human being.

Try and hold onto that thought

Another option would be night weaning. So your DP would need to deal with her at night, and offer water and cuddles. It would work best if you could sleep elsewhere for a few nights and just come back early each morning. I know that’s really hard, especially in a Pandemic. Even if you could sleep on the couch so you can’t hear her as much it might de doable. Even if it means him taking time off work to do it. I’d sit him down when she’s asleep and explain this is at crisis point and he needs to support you and it needs to happen right now.
What’s your Health Visitor like? It might be worth a chat with them for support.

I'm really sorry you are finding it so hard.

But to present the other perspective and not scare new parents, I love the toddler phase and found having a baby much harder.

I guess it depends on the child. DD had colic and silent reflux as a baby so was miserable and a terrible sleeper. She is still a terrible sleeper (and I bf at night too) but she is much happier now the colic and reflux has gone. But what I really love about this stage is the constant development, she does something new every day.

You really need to get her off the boob, six times at night is absolute torture. Will she take a bottle? I might weaned my daughter by giving her a bottle at night time so if she was hungry, she had milk, rather than a booby snuggle. I tried to make DH do it as often as he could.
Once I was satisfied she was eating enough in the day I replaced the milk with water. We had a few nights of horror when she realised there was no more milk but it worked.
She slept right through til her big feed at 7am from then on!

YANBU, I found the toddler stage worse than the baby stage.

Focus on stopping breastfeeding. I know it's hard but it will save your sanity. DS refused a bottle at first but I stuck it out and it made life easier.

Hang in there, it WILL get better. My DS is 7 now, I used to dream about these days and wish I could fast forward.

What is she having in the way of meals?

OK after your last messages I am concerned this goes beyond normal frustration. If you are in crisis you should call your GP for an urgent appointment and tell them exactly what you have said here - that you are at breaking point. Refuse to leave unless they have offered you a concrete way forward. You can also contact your HV; and if you need to talk to someone straight away, you can call the Samaritans or Cry-sis helplines. Do not suffer in silence.

Have you spoken to your DH about any of this? What help/support has he offered? Do you mean when you say he is 'out of the equation' simply that you do all the feeding and settling due to bf, or that he is unsupportive/absent in general?

If you want to stop bf that is completely and in and of itself a valid reason to stop (and I say that as a huge advocate of bf - anyone who tells you otherwise simply isn't concerned with women's rights imo). The intensity of the bf bond can be wonderful, or it can be too too much. Only you can decide where you're at with that; only your opinion is valid.

The only caution I will give is that some people are more sensitive to the hormonal fluctuations caused by bf than others, and if you stop feeding abruptly from feeding a lot it can cause a huge hormone crash that can provoke or worsen depression. Given your mental state I would try to manage this either by weaning slowly (this will also make it easier on your child, but you're the one in crisis here so I'm more concerned with you) or by continuing to pump/hand express regularly and gradually reducing so you don't have an oxytocin crash.

Your daughter will definitely struggle; this is when your partner/mother/sister/friend/anyone who cares about your wellbeing and is a known and trusted person to her comes in. She will cry; they will cuddle and hold her through it. She will slowly adapt (for my daughter it took about a fortnight to night wean at 18 mths, but I was doing it myself as DP wasn't helpful - someone who doesn't smell of milk should be able to get the job done much quicker).

You will be in another room with earplugs getting the rest you need to recover.

Your daughter isn't the enemy here, but I know it can feel like that sometimes. You need to prioritise your needs and ask for help so you can be the mother you want to be for her. She will always love you, she will not be scarred. By looking after yourself you will be looking after her. Don't listen to people who tell you to just shove her in another room to sleep and leave her to cry, although being given 'permission' to do this may seem welcome at first that will not help you, it will hurt you and worsen your feelings of guilt and worry. But with support, you can still reclaim your body and your sleep and she will adapt with loving support.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed and unhappy x