Hi. I’m almost 40, married with 2dc and after years of feeling something wasn’t right I’ve since been diagnosed with anxiety and I’m on the waiting list for an autism assessment. I love my dh and dc but I have some issues, and although I work hard every day to make sure I don’t project my struggles on to them, I decided to ask for support so that I can finally get some answers to either way. My dh has been great and is really supportive but when it comes to other family members ie parents and sisters, I don’t feel like I can tell them about how I’ve been feeling all these years, and that makes me feel sad.
I’ve wondered for years now if my DP’s could be on the spectrum too (or maybe just narcissistic) and one of my sisters as they’re all very full on, have to have set routines, can be very judgmental if people do things they don’t agree with, always have “problems” nothing is ever positive always negative etc.
Now for all my sins I’d like to think I’m a nice person, just someone who finds certain things difficult. I find I’m always the one listening to other people’s problems and offering a shoulder to cry on, yet no one supports me. Now to he fair I don’t always tell people how I feel but my parents and siblings are fully aware that I struggle, they just chose to ignore it. Even growing up as a child I felt like the black sheep of the family and always took a back seat to everyone else. My DP’s and siblings speak over me constantly when I’m trying to speak, which I refuse to do to other people as it’s rude, so most of the time I never get to say things I want to anyway.
If I were to tell my DP’s and dsis that I have anxiety and possibly autistic i’m pretty sure I know what would happen. My dm often plays the victim so I suspect she would somehow manage to turn it around on her and say that she didn’t spot it in me as a child and think I was blaming her for missing it which I would never do. My Df would completely over think it and somehow come to the conclusion that every disagreement we’ve had over the years (there have been a few) was down to me and my anxiety/autism and not simply because he acted unreasonably. Then my ds i suspect would think I was seeking a diagnosis simply to claim benefits as she’s obsessed with money and doesn’t like anyone having more than her. But believe me if I was diagnosed I wouldn’t claim dla or pip what ever it is now. I’ve not worked for 3 years (dh works full time) so we do get some help in terms of tax credits and some HB towards our rent. But the fact we get this help makes me feel like shit. Now I’m not not for one second saying people should feel this way if they get financial support, not at all, it’s just about my own insecurities and that I feel like I’m less of a person for not contributing. I want to get back to work and although I know if I was diagnosed with autism, I might not make things easier day to day, but at least id finally know the reasons behind why I struggle. I just want to be normal, to go to work and not worry I’ll make loads of mistakes, contribute to our family income, and in general live the life of an adult in her 40’s instead of feeling like I’m simply playing the part of an adult.
I look at other people, eg friends dh’s family friends etc and see how supportive their families are, how they help each other out, have each other’s backs etc and I feel envious. I can’t even remember the last time a family member asked how I was, never mind anything else. I know it’s just the way it is, they aren’t going to change and I need to just accept I’m never going to get the level of support I offer to them, but like I said it makes me feel rubbish