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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know what to do

22 replies

Lampshaped · 28/09/2020 00:50

DH is amazing and wonderful and perfect in every way - I love him so much and he's lovely. We have 1 DC and DH is an incredible father. DH has always been a little bit stubborn on thinking he's right but usually listens to logic and it's over (small things like being adamant that a book was written by a certain author for no apparent reason). He never really admits to not knowing something and seems to just guess and then seems to be certain in his own mind that his guess is 100% correct unless he's shown proof to disprove his guess, even though it's just a guess.

Anyway, recently, this has stepped up and it's really causing problems for us. As a background, I have epilepsy and I don't suffer with episodes anymore but it used to make me black out for long periods of time and not remember conversations or events - so I think I might be overreacting because of that. Basically, DH has begun to start trying to convince me that he hasn't said or done things so he can be right all the time.

One example: We've recently bought a house and in every house we looked at DH would inspect all the walls because he seemed to think if they'd painted over wallpaper it was because they were covering up damaged walls behind it. He didn't want to buy a house with wallpaper because he said it was a really horrible, tiresome job to strip wallpaper and repair the wall for painting. We ended up buying a house with wallpaper everywhere but we adored it. The whole way through the sales process DH banged on and on and on about how much work it would be to strip the wallpaper. Over the last week or so we stripped all the wallpaper and one wall does have some damage behind it. Today, my DF came and said to DH to just cover the damage with lining paper and paint it. DH then came to me all victorious (after DF had left) and said what DF had said and that he was therefore correct that the only reason people would paint over wallpaper is to hide damaged walls. I responded that it's not the only reason because the other walls aren't damaged and surely some people just can't be bothered to strip it before painting. Then he said that my response didn't make sense because stripping wallpaper was really easy - and then completely denied ever saying that it was a tiresome or laborious job. He has said this HUNDREDS of times over the last couple of months -- he spent a long time looking at steamer reviews etc. When I said "well, what about the other, undamaged, walls?" he then said he never said it was the ONLY reason why people paint over wallpaper, just that it was one reason - except that the entire point of him bringing it up was to say it was the ONLY reason. And he completely denied that he'd ever said that. This went on for quite a while with him going back and forth saying half the time it's the ONLY reason people do it and half the time saying he'd never said that and also half the time saying it was a really awful job to remove wallpaper and half the time saying he'd never said that - sometimes within about ten seconds of saying each one.

I ended up getting more distressed than I've ever been in my life and telling him that he's a liar and literally sobbing on the floor of our bedroom - which is completely insane! He began to do the same thing just before bed about reviews on the internet (he said something and when I pointed out he wasn't correct started to completely deny that he'd said anything) so I went into the spare room to sleep. I just don't know what to do. I'm questioning whether I've imagined half of the stuff that he's said or if he's intentionally messing with my head - or if he just wants to be right.

What do I do?

OP posts:
JustThinkingAboutThis · 28/09/2020 00:58

He sounds incredibly stubborn and obsessive in nature, this is bound to wear you down.
Can you talk to him about this and explain how much it is upsetting you? Things need to change otherwise he will only get worse.

6demandingchildren · 28/09/2020 01:01

Can you record him on your phone?
This would do my head in and I can't imagine the torment he is causing you.

Lampshaped · 28/09/2020 01:06

@JustThinkingAboutThis

He sounds incredibly stubborn and obsessive in nature, this is bound to wear you down. Can you talk to him about this and explain how much it is upsetting you? Things need to change otherwise he will only get worse.
He is stubborn but he's previously been very logical and been fine with looking a bit silly afterwards. For example, one time he was absolutely adamant that Stifler's mom in American Pie was played by Carmen Electra. I said she wasn't and he insisted she was - but had no basis for his certainty. I google imaged Carmen Electra and he just said "oh, ok, I'm an idiot" and that was the end of it - but without google he would never, ever have believed me. It's only recently that he's stopped responding to any logic or proof. I think it might be because last week he got a scam phone call and fell for it. The whole way through the call I was making faces at him to indicate I thought it sounded dodgy (but I could only hear his side of the conversation and he left the room after a while so I dropped it). When he came back from the call and filled me in, I was certain it was a scam and he was adamant it wasn't. A few days later he sheepishly told me that he'd been scammed and had been up all night trying to fix it (it only took five minutes to fix and wasn't a big deal) but I think since then he's been very defensive about being wrong about anything and it's becoming a real problem very quickly. After our argument this afternoon, I did explain very calmly why I had a problem and why it was so distressing. I pointed out that he'd said things that we contradictory and denied saying things he'd said. He seemed to completely understand and I thought it would be fine - and then he just did it again.
OP posts:
Lampshaped · 28/09/2020 01:08

@6demandingchildren

Can you record him on your phone? This would do my head in and I can't imagine the torment he is causing you.
I'm not sure if this is a possibility. It seems to build up very quickly and I never have my phone on me anyway. I also think this would feel a bit like I was trapping him. In the aftermath of earlier he completely accepted that he'd contradicted himself - but I feel like I'm just waiting for the next "I never said that" to pop up.
OP posts:
1forAll74 · 28/09/2020 01:27

He sounds a very tiresome man, so needs to shut up a bit. Stop being upset about him, it is he who has the problems of wanting to be right all the time.

Anordinarymum · 28/09/2020 01:31

Well he's not amazing or perfect at all OP

It sounds like mental torture to me and I would not put up with it.

If he can't be right with you then stop talking to him. I wonder if he is like this with other people or just you ?

katy1213 · 28/09/2020 01:55

You sound a very boring couple.

CSIblonde · 28/09/2020 04:57

He sounds unhinged . You are fueling the dynamic tho by letting him do it .I'd cut him of at the pass with, "I'm not doing the going round in circles ,contradicting yourself thing today thanks". End of conversation,no negotiating. Change subject,walk away. You are rewarding & fueling the madness by entering into it.

JontyDoggle37 · 28/09/2020 05:09

Shut him down every time he does it. “You’re doing it again” and walk out. And maybe suggest he seeks some help if he continues.

RepeatSwan · 28/09/2020 05:09

DH is amazing and wonderful and perfect in every way

Basically, DH has begun to start trying to convince me that he hasn't said or done things so he can be right all the time.

I don't think the first comment can be true if the second comment is true!

I don't understand what is going on but it does sound very draining.

Could you see a counsellor on your own just to get your head around it? That way you might get support with working out how much of an issue it is and how to respond.

Straven123 · 28/09/2020 05:16

He's a bit obsessive and perhaps being scammed has really affected him and this is him trying to prove to himself he's still right about things. I would be cautious about having conversations with him at all. Don't engage for the time being.

DontBeShelfish · 28/09/2020 05:20

I know the term gets bandied round a lot, but this to me is a form of gaslighting. The fact you felt at such pains to clarify in your first sentence how wonderful he is made me wonder if he actually was that nice.

He knows that something is causing you deep distress and he's continued to do it anyway. It doesn't actually say a lot about how much he thinks of you. I'm sorry if that sounds cruel, it isn't meant to be. But if it were me I'd find it quite upsetting that he disregarded my feelings so blatantly.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 28/09/2020 05:21

DH is amazing and wonderful and perfect in every way - I love him so much and he's lovely.
Mmm, you definitely have a problem if you think your husband is amazing, wonderful, perfect or lovely with his behaviour. He sounds like an abusive twat.

tara66 · 28/09/2020 05:57

He seems to have a serious phycological problem which needs treatment. It could affect his work seriously or other things - like saying the house is not on fire when it is! He either has a memory problem or a personality disorder. Very, very difficult for anyone to live with.

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2020 05:58

He either doesn't remember saying what he does or he is gaslighting you.
Things I learned in my years-you can't argue (disagree) with a drunk person, someone with severe MH issues or dementia, or stroppy kids, as things just escalate. You can't argue with stupid either. It's pointless.

Personally, I'd pick and choose my battles.

CatMagic · 28/09/2020 06:06

I was exhausted at the thought of what you were describing. He sounds insufferable - unhinged, lacking empathy and obsessive and you must have a lot of patience as mine would have run out by now. I tend to steer clear of people like this. He doesn't come across as a nice man. And getting scammed - sorry but you have to be a bit guileless to fall for actual phone scams.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 28/09/2020 06:10

My dp does this. He is always adamant he is right. He can never be wrong, and even when he is, he won't actually admit it. My way of dealing with it now is just to say "ok then", or "if you say so" or nod and say "yeah". He always knows that I don't agree with him by the tone of my voice, and will ask if I agree but I just keep repeating those phrases in a sarcastic tone. He eventually gives up. I refuse to let myself get worked up about these things now. A good eye roll at him is a winner too, sometimes along with an "oh my god" and a head shake. Really annoys him, but that's keet for real stupidity.

RedHelenB · 28/09/2020 06:13

I was expecting the post to be about something serious not wallpaper! Why is it so important to you that he admits he is wrong? I just wouldnt have the argument over something so petty, as the saying goes, it takes two to argue

GoldfishParade · 28/09/2020 06:16

You both sound way too detail oriented to me. It sounds joyless.

Bluetrews25 · 28/09/2020 06:29

So he's either an abusive gaslighter or incredibly thick.
Neither of which are great, really.

FippertyGibbett · 28/09/2020 07:03

To be honest, he sounds like a plonker.
If his behaviour upsets you so much, and he won’t change, do you want this for the rest of your life ?
Irritation and resentment has set in.

FusionChefGeoff · 28/09/2020 07:23

Agree with PP just don't fuel the fire. You can accept early that he won't back down but just finish it "we both know that's not how it happened but I can't be bothered to argue over this it's stupid"

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