To ask for a medical perspective on alcoholism

[StartingOver2020]

KidsDad is drinking himself to death.

I greatly appreciate the support I’ve had on another thread about the challenge for me and kid. Separately I’d be very grateful for some information about the medical side.

He had many years of sobriety before a lockdown triggered mental breakdown and alcoholic relapse. Before this his damaged liver, varices and Barrett’s oesophagus, which were being regularly monitored, had been doing well.

I’ve not known him as a drinker although I initially had contact with Alanon family groups many years ago in relation to someone else so I have this as a support network and source of wisdom.

GP advised several weeks ago that to stop drinking suddenly could be fatal. He’s drinking up to 2 large bottles of vodka per day, definitely more than 1. I haven’t seen him face to face for over 3 weeks but I get the impression it’s crept up from about 1 large bottle to at least 3 half bottles. I imagine at these quantities the precise amount is academic.

I severely reduced contact between KidsDad and kid then stopped it altogether partly because I feared kid might witness a sudden fatal haemorrhage - is this letting my imagination run wild? Sadly contact isn’t appropriate for any number of reasons, for the time being.

There seems no immediate prospect of inpatient detox.

OMG Cattermole and AcrossThe Pond55 this literally happened yesterday. On Monday his brother tried to pass the buck to me and yesterday the recovery caseworker did the exact thing you describe. Are they trained by Gaslighters Inc?

KidsDad fell down a flight of stairs and fractured his spine 5 days ago and he’s now in hospital in the last stages of medical detox.

I’m finding it very difficult to keep a boundary around my involvement. It is death by telephone. Also torture by text and email. I cannot spend hours every day and night dealing with the demands of KidsDad’s situation.

Just before the accident I got a medical perspective about KidsDad’s situation in a very direct way from my GP and Kid’s psychiatrist. These two fantastic women, mothers of at least 6 children between, them spoke with one voice in completely separate consultations about Kid’s needs and my medical treatment. If I manage to follow their advice Kid and I will owe them our lives.

Yes other agencies do gaslight you. My dad was an alcoholic.

I used to get why is his house filthy, why does he live like this, you must do X, Y, Z. He doesn’t eat. Etc

I was 5 foot 2 and 8 stone. My dad was 6 foot and an incredible volatile and violent man. I was in my 20’s trying tying to start my career and earn enough to pay my rent and food, etc whilst living in a tiny bed sit. I did as much as I could and what was safe for me to do so. The authorities don’t understand that you cannot take unlimited time off work, etc and that you cannot clean a violent alcoholics house or make them eat when they don’t want to as you are putting yourself at risk of violence, etc. Funnily enough the pressure to ‘do my bit’ was always directed at me not my brother as well!

Yes.

Oof. It's a tricky one, that.
I mean, don't forget the agencies have also got the alcoholic's input into this one - "no, of course she won't mind, she's all the family I've got, I just want my family, blah blah"
I don't think they set out to gaslight or pass the buck. I think they are between a rock and a hard place: there are no winners in this one.

I set our landline to answering machine from 5pm every night till 8am. I don't take calls from anonymous numbers (which all too often are hospital switchboards) I communicate with agencies by email.
Most of the agencies respect this - they've been dealing with manipulative drunks for years, after all.
You're being firm but be fair, @StartingOver2020. You know you've got to protect yourself and Kid first, and you're doing a cracking job.

Yes again. Genuine apologies to anyone working in recovery services.

Dsis and I had to be very strong in our boundaries around our elderly alcoholic mum - the pressure to take her in to live with us was very strong. It was understandable: she was drinking, falling, ending up in hospital regularly and the situation wasn't sustainable. She refused to consider moving out of the family home into some form of supported living, and she had capacity.

We held strong until the time came that she didn't have capacity any further - she died from a fall down the stairs literally three days before the assessment that would have seen her taken into a home under compulsion. It was sad, but the alternatives would have been much worse.

Just block them. Block his brother and block the caseworker. Or at the very least screen the calls for any info you need but don't pick up and don't call back. The best thing you can do for him is force him to deal with this on his own or force his family, the proper people to help him, to accept their role in his recovery. He is not your husband. He is not your family. You have no more responsibility towards him than I do. Your responsibility is to your children and yourself.

Trying to not cast aspersions as I have great respect for recovery workers, but their job is to get the addict home with 'home support'. Continued in-patient care is the last resort as it's very expensive. I understand that for many being in familiar surroundings 'works' but there are just some people who should not and cannot be trusted to keep up their treatment on an out-patient basis or do not have the proper support in place.

There's never been many places for alcohol inpatient .
In the community the problem is Covid or psychiatric substance abuse nurses would be seeing ppl.

I'd say first help would be the GP.

I've just found this thread and wanted to tell you that you are doing the right thing by stepping back.

I'm an RN and a recovering alcoholic. At his age the prognosis isn't great and there's really nothing you can do to change that. I'm sorry you're going through this.