AIBU - building work and new baby

[PelicanBill]

Hi everyone.

We are due to have some building work done on our house. It is fairly extensive - walls being knocked through etc. My in-laws have (incredibly generously) offered us the money to do this, no strings attached, and have been so kind about the whole thing. My parents are also very generously paying for parts of the work (new furniture etc). We are so lucky to have this support and so obviously don’t want to upset anyone.

We had hoped to have the work carried out at the end of October / start of November, but due to various delays beyond our control (building warrant hold up, unavailability of builders etc) the earliest the work can actually start is the third week in November. It is set to take 2-3 weeks.

My in laws have very kindly said we can move in with them for the time the work is ongoing. However, I am due my first baby on 12 December. I have also just being diagnosed with gestational diabetes and the baby is already measuring big, so there is every chance I will be induced early. That means we will most likely still be living with my in-laws when the baby is born.

Everyone has been very positive about this and stated it will be totally fine (actually lovely, even), and my parents and my in laws are both desperate for the work to be done ASAP. But I’ve suddenly hit a wall of anxiety about it - I can’t contemplate not being in my own home when the baby is born. My in-laws are the kindest and most accommodating people you can imagine, but the thought of potentially trying to recover from a tear or deal with PP bleeding or establishing breastfeeding and routines in someone else’s house is really upsetting me. I also don’t know what would happen with postnatal midwife visits, because they don’t live in the same village as us.

The obvious solution imo is to delay the building work until February, so I have some time to recover from the birth and get my feet under the table a bit before we go and stay with them. But I’m feeling pressured by everyone else’s desire to crack on and get the work done. Everyone is being so positive and saying it would be fine for me to be with my in-laws and be looked after etc., and I feel like I am being over-dramatic or precious to feel differently. The fact that we aren’t paying for the work makes me feel like it’s out of my control and I’m obliged to fit with other peoples’ preferred timescale.

AIBU to put my foot down about this and insist on delaying the work? I know I maybe am being over dramatic but I just keep thinking about how much I might be dealing with immediately after the birth and I just can’t bear the thought of being in someone else’s home - even that of my lovely in-laws whom I adore.

Talk to them, explain how you feel, they love you and your baby to be and will understand.

Or lie and say the builders are delaying things 😂😂😂

@PelicanBill I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all! I’d feel the exact same in your situation! Im due our first baby in November and I really couldn’t think of anything worse than going to stay at someone else’s house rather than just coming home and being comfortable in my own home. As you have quite rightly said, you don’t know what kind of recovery you will be dealing with and while it may be nice to have some help from the in-laws if you’re close, this is also the time where you and your husband will want to figure out things yourself for your new family and spend some quality time together.
I also agree with midwife/health visitor visits being an issue. We moved house a couple of years ago to the next village over but never changed our doctors surgery (I just remained registered there using my parents address and DH did the same with his) as there was lots of problems at the surgery in our new village at the time - they had NO gps believe it or not 🙈 I’ve had to change surgery now as although it’s the same midwives for both areas, the health visitors are different and I have to be registered with the ones at my current address. You would probably have to temporarily register at the surgery near your in-laws to get your postnatal care.

Thank you both! I definitely need to just have the conversation. Everyone involved is a lovely person. I just hate feeling like I am letting people down or being a princess.

Delay the work and stay in your house. You don’t want to be leaking milk, blood and tears everywhere with your mother-in-law hovering 24/7. If you need to move in when work is going on when baby is a few months old, that will be so much better. You’ll be on your feet, confident in your abilities as a mother and hormone levels will not be sky high.

If I were you, I'd delay the building work a fraction longer than you're proposing - when baby's about 3-4 months old. By that point you should feel much more on top of things, and babies just tend to settle down a bit around then (mine, for example, used to have a nightly hour+ stint of inconsolable screaming when he was really little, which I would have been reluctant to visit upon even the closest of relatives offering to put us up.)

The other argument against doing the work in November is the whole pandemic thing. It's pretty clear that things are currently worsening on that front, so there is, unfortunately, a better-than-average chance that some aspect of the project - whether staffing, materials, or general logistics - takes a hit somewhere along the line. For work due to be done in late November, that leaves a significant chance of creeping into Christmas, which could also extend the 'nothing much is happening now' period. Right now I can envisage all too many scenarios in which the work gets started and then has to stop partway through for a while, and that's not something I'd be super-enthusiastic about combining with pregnancy/a new baby, tbh.

Yes I agree with you. We were due to do some building work (no opportunity to move out) and as I got closer to due date I just needed to nest and 'bed in' and we pushed it back (3 years but that not the point...!!). The thought of not being in my own bed, own space for the early days, not sure how I would have coped with others around all the time.

Those are really good points - I could totally envisage the works creeping on for longer and getting into Christmas time. We could conceivably end up with my in-laws for weeks, and nice as they are we would inevitably end up on each other’s nerves!

I’m also totally the same about nesting. I just want to be in my own safe, clean, tidy space when the baby comes.

I completely understand your anxiety. However I would get the work done. So you can then move on with it finished.

Many people stay home gor a few weeks after the birth with just parents/mum or mil.

Allow mil to look after you (if she wants) and you only have to focus on you and the baby. You don't have to fret about cooking, cleaning, unwanted guests etc etc

There will be additional hands to hold baby and allow you to nap.

If.you plan to BF then this will be wonderful.

The baby won't be in a routine as such that early. So you won't be disrupting a routine - which you would if.going a few.months down the line.

Tell your midwife now and she will make the arrangements for you.

Look forward to a finished home where you can start your new life as a family.

Yes it’s a dilemma. Yadnbu to want to be in your own place when you’ve just had your baby. But equally babies are all consuming and doing work when they are tiny will be stressful too. You’re so lucky that everyone in the scenario is lovely! That feels unusual to me. But I definitely understand the desire to be alone and safe in the pre and post baby stages. Hopefully frank conversations on how you feel will lead to an acceptable plan.

You really don't need the extra anxiety. A few things to think about - Is there anywhere you could rent for a few weeks? How spacious is the in-laws house, can you have a couple of rooms so you can have a little living room? Have you talked to them about the specific worries you have? I've had a pretty extensive episiotomy and a c-section and breastfed 4 times - with nice family and a bit of space both would have been fine.

Put you mental health first though but make sure you've looked at the options throughly so you don't end up with regrets it the birth goes well. Good luck.

I’d not aim to have anything done building work wise until the baby is around five or six months - you’ll be in a proper by then. YADNBU to want to be in your own home!

• proper routine

I would delay the building work for a year - so much easier when you’re out at work all day / baby is in childcare.

Post-CS I had to live in my mother's unheated conservatory with my husband, toddler and newborn for a month. In February. Sharing a kitchen and bathroom with two male lodgers. It was exceptionally unfun.

I'd plough on and get the work done. You cn hide out in room once at mil once baby is born. Better to get it over with then having it done with small baby plus you dont know if another lockdown will hit

Really on the fence about this one. On one hand I can totally understand your wishes to be in your own space when baby arrives, I would be exactly the same. Plus no matter how lovely your in-law's are - something will be annoying or irritating (and if you're anything like me you won't tell them to let lost like you can your own parents). But on the other hand, having someone take care of you after having a baby and having an extra pair of hands to help so you can nap sounds absolutely wonderful. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to go with either option. Me personally - I'd delay the work until early next year.

I’m going to buck the trend on here and suggest to have the building work done.

I saw this from having had three children and had lots of works done over the years

You’ll not want to have the noise, dust etc from the building works with a baby. You’ll also be glad to be in your finished home

Having respectful help when you just have the baby can be very helpful. Just talk with your DH about ground rules - as in your MIL offer to take the baby to help you rather than TELLING you. Not offer unsolicited baby advice

Just saying this from some past experience

I think a frank discussion with all involved is a good idea - we can see what accommodations could be made and I can work out if I would be able to cope with them, or at least explain why I want to delay.

My in-laws house is a good size so we wouldn’t be in each other’s laps. My MIL was also a midwife, so I do think she would be invaluable support! I just really struggle with the idea of bleeding, crying and learning to breastfeed without being in the privacy of my own home or being able to insist on space and time if I need it. I also worry that I wouldn’t feel able to really learn how to parent and get stuck in with someone more capable / experienced there to defer to. My MIL isn’t at all overbearing, but I’m a naturally diffident person and I feel like need my own space to make independent parenting decisions.

Also agree with the PP’s saying I will want the work done - it’s so true! I would love to have it over and done with. The timing is just so bad 🙈

I think it might be nice having your MIL’s support, especially as midwifery & health visitor services are stretched & reduced currently.
I’d get the work done.

We started building work when our youngest was a week old. The work was actually supposed to be finished before she was born but we also had delays which caused the late start.

We stayed in our home throughout the build. I did try staying with my mum for a while but me, a newborn and a toddler all in one bedroom was too much.

It was very hard. Baby was luckily very easy. Toddler was a full on 2 year old (who kept escaping every time a builder left a door open).

In your situation I'd delay 6 - 9 months. Get yourselves settled and into a routine. Then start the build before baby becomes a mobile 2 year old.

I think I'd get the work done. You say about wanting to make your own parenting decisions and find your feet etc and to feel that way is absolutely valid, but from experience, the first four-six weeks or so with a newborn is very much about learning the basic ropes, creating a bond and muddling through - I don't feel like I instilled any long-term strategies in those early days. As long as my PiL had been respectful of leaving me alone if requested, then I'd have relished live-in help with my son!

I agree to push the work back if it means you can't live in your own house, you will be emotional, bleeding etc. I wouldn't want to live in somebody's else house postpartum and you aren't bring precious at all.

I am the queen of bad timing, we scheduled a build of an garden office a few weeks after my due date, I was horrendously overdue and it started when baby was 3 days old. Luckily it was in the garden and I could stay inside away from it, but it still meant we had builders everywhere, using the loo etc. Not ideal but at least I had my own bed.
This time, in the worst timed house move ever, we are looking to exchange and complete around my due date in a few weeks. We have already been delayed by Covid, issues with surveys and fears of a second lockdown mean I think our buyers will probably disappear if we delay any more. Scared of being in labour (or worse, one or two days postpartum) during move day but at least when it's over I'll have my own bed.

Yes I'd delay it too, till the spring.

100% Delay!!!
My DP are amazing and we lived in their adjoining house, with intention of saving a deposit.
We lasted 5 months as the interferance in everything, daily, was too much.
My children were older and I felt confident in my abilities as a parent, my DPs, unitentionally, questioned and adviced almost everything I did.
I don't think I could deal with the stress of being out of my own home with a new baby.
Good luck with what you decide.