Son Moved In

[Dimmer76]

Hi. I'm male and new here and thought I'd ask for some advice.

First off, I need to add some background information.

Me and my partner both split from our respective spouses 5 years ago. I don't have kids and my partner has two kids. They are now 24(f) and 26(m). We are now both in our late 40's and met before we split up from our respective partners and bought our house and moved in together nearly two years ago.

My partners son moved in with us in February (7 months ago) after the sale of my partners ex marital home and finalising her divorce. Her daughter has already moved away after finding love at University. We all are employed and work full time.

My problem is my partner is doing more and more for her son, washing, ironing, making lunches etc... He does work hard but spends all his home time in his room gaming. While I understand my partner has spent 20+ years doing these jobs and taking special care of him as he is type 1 diabetic and was diagnosed at the age of 20. I really think he is starting to get more lazy. He doesn't seem to have grown out of being a teenager.

He very rarely does any housework including his own laundry, cooking, washing up, and doesn't even empty his bedroom bin without being asked. He is gaming until the early hours and sometimes all night. My partner then says he is too tired from work to do anything around the house.

We have started arguing about how much both of us seem to be doing now as there is more laundry, washing up etc… and two of us doing three adults housework.

I need some advice if I am being unreasonable about asking her to tell him that he needs to do more. As far as I can see, the more she does, the more he'll let her do. I also feel that we shouldn't be doing as much as he is a grown adult and should be able to do things for himself.

As I have never had kids and he is not a child, I find it difficult trying to almost tell another grown man about how unreasonable I sometimes find his lack of pride in living here.

It came to head when I'd cooked, as I normally do, and eaten in a rush as we were going out. When we got home, there was still the washing up on the side. I ended up begrudgingly washing up and pointed out that even if we'd asked him to do it, it would have still been there when we got home.

I also bear in mind that, at the moment, times are difficult and I am the only one working from home so I am stuck looking at the house and seeing the mess left around (currently there is a plate with some half eaten toasted on his computer desk which has been there for 3 days).

While I am working at home, I seem to be doing more and more as they see that I am at home all day and I am spending more and more of my work time doing chores.

It is also having a toll on me and my partners intimate time as he is always here and we very rarely get time to ourselves.

He currently has at least 3 hypos a night which I think has something to do with the terrible diet he has when we don't feed him (takeaways, beer and no fresh veg or fruit). This leads my partner to think that he can't look after himself and she doesn't even want to leave him to take care of the cats for more than one night, never mind move out in to his own place.

I know some people will have questions before giving an answer but I am wanting to find a long term solution which can be discussed like adults within our household.

Am I being too hard on him and my partner or am I missing something having not had a child of my own?

Tricky one. Clearly he needs to learn and be shown how to do all of this on his own. Your partner is just used to doing all of this for him and he equally is used to having it all done.

She needs to learn to let go and he needs to learn to take control of day to day life. It will take a while. You need to step back and let them sort it out between themselves somehow.

Interestingly there is a dad called Rob Kenney on YouTube who has short videos on how to do these simple and basic daily tasks.

Dad, How do I ?

You just need to be a bit patient with them as they obviously have a long history of this behaviour and can't see it in the way you do. They will though with a bit of gentle coaxing from you.

Good luck.

Also if he carries on the way he is with his diet and lack of exercise etc he will suffer complications with his health sooner rather than later so you can use that as way to make these vital changes.

Her son doesn't need to do more, he needs to move the fuck out of the house. There is absolutely no reason he should be living at home having mummy take care of him. He's 26 years old, ffs.

Thank you so much, I know there is no quick fix and it is very difficult being the 'new person' in the family 'bubble'.

It is not easy trying to explain that a 26 year old bloke should be able to look after themselves to a woman who had kids at 19 and brought them up in a difficult situation and she just wants to look after them

@Aquamarine1029

Her son doesn't need to do more, he needs to move the fuck out of the house. There is absolutely no reason he should be living at home having mummy take care of him. He's 26 years old, ffs.

While I appreciate the sentiment, maybe I'm too kind, while I'd love to say that, he is her son and wouldn't want to upset her by kicking him out, especially given the current situation. Things may be different in a few months time

Your partner is doing her son no favours by coddling him at the age of 26. Good grief. How long does she think it's reasonable for this nonsense to go on for? Until he's 30? 40?

If she doesn’t toe the line with him immediately, he will continue growing into the sort of person my own partner is - who has always had someone else pick up after them. My MIL apologised because she said she never taught her kids how to get things done themselves. An apology doesn’t fix the fact that I’m currently stuck with a man baby

@Aquamarine1029

Your partner is doing her son no favours by coddling him at the age of 26. Good grief. How long does she think it's reasonable for this nonsense to go on for? Until he's 30? 40?

Completely agree. I do not want him here for the next 10-20 years. I used to spend all my time online when I was his age but I didn't live at home so had to take care of myself. Not being his dad s not easy trying to teach him life skills when he should already have them. Something that my partner thinks I'm criticising her on.

@MoonSauce

If she doesn’t toe the line with him immediately, he will continue growing into the sort of person my own partner is - who has always had someone else pick up after them. My MIL apologised because she said she never taught her kids how to get things done themselves. An apology doesn’t fix the fact that I’m currently stuck with a man baby

So I am not being unreasonable by trying to get this sorted out now, thank you. Still feels like a teenager baby rather than a man baby.

Is he paying rent and buying food at the very minimum?

@Aquamarine1029

Is he paying rent and buying food at the very minimum?

Oh yes, he is paying rent and his share of the bills but it's the bit about being a part of a house rather than being child and being looked after that's getting to me.

Tbh, he earns more than my partner but does have some debts from online gambling hence he has no savings and has zero self control, for instance , doesn't eat one packet of crisps but the whole multi-pack. Will take lunch for work and then eat that then get a subway, kfc etc..

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Could a discussion be held from a Flatmate point of view as you are three adults living together? List the tasks and the frequency and divvy them up between you? Obviously you and your partner are already doing a lot and I'm not suggesting you do more but this would help balance the load on his part.
It could also be a chance to point out consequences of not pulling his weight on the chores as if he continually ignores them he will be asked to leave. Make it clear you won't be reminding him but as an adult if he were to flat or house share this would be pretty standard.
Could you discuss this approach with your partner?

Really difficult situation for you to be in.

Personally I agree he should be moving out but that suggestion will go down like a lead brick! I raised dd as a single mum and while it’s not easy the solution isn’t to coddle them! Our job as parents is to as I saw perfectly worded elsewhere tonight, make ourselves redundant. To create capable, confident and well rounded adults

I would take the tack of the health aspects initially - his not managing his diabetes (and it DOES need to be him that does it) could well lead to severe and permanent consequences - which she should already be aware of but perhaps needs reminding that she can not control his poor diet, lack of sleep etc which WILL be fucking up his health!

Then after a while I’d broach the idea of her doing him a favour by helping him become independent but in such a way as you’re not asking her to focus on the possibility of him moving out which I think will be too hard for her yet

With him I’d also go along the health line initially and then along the line of being an overgrown teenager is not attractive to women, and doesn’t exactly make him a promotion prospect either (good employers/managers do notice these things)

You need to get her onside and him open to listening to then at a future point be able to sit him down and say he’s not being fair to not pull his weight and that chores need to be equally shared.

It’s actually ridiculous that a 26 year old man isn’t so much as doing his own laundry!

My dd has been doing hers since she was 12! It’s not hard!

So he's out at work most days is that right?

I mean to be fair if it was my DS I'd say this is how the washing machine works, use it otherwise you'll have no clean clothes.

@FlyingByTheSeatof holy smokes! That link is amazing. I’m am going to be sharing that.

OP, lots of great advice on here. YANBU. He’s an adult and until he’s treated as one by your partner, he’s not going to “adult”. She’s actually doing him a disservice in the lung run as hell not have the skills to cope in the real world on his own.

I think I would approach this with my partner from the perspective that her behaviour isn't helping him.
I'm a bit like the mum in this situation - I have adult (19 and 20) sons living at home that I'm trying to 'train' - it's hard going. I was a sahm and got used to looking after them, esp when they were busy doing exams. But as a consequence, it's like pulling teeth to get them to wash up! But I know that if I don't change things they will become lazy men. So approach it from a 'trying to help him' direction. It's also okay to point out to your partner that this is your home and you don't want to live in a pit because a 26 year old man can't be arsed to put 3 day old toast in the bin. Maybe she needs a bit of help to see that he is a man and not a boy.
I'd also be worried about the online gambling and debts. That might need tackling more than the mess tbh. Is she checking that he isn't racking up more debt if he's online all night?

Is she worried about 'empty nest' syndrome should he leave? If she's been parenting since she was 19, does your OH somehow 'define' herself as being a mother and worry what she will do if he moves out? It's quite easy as a LP to overcompensate for the lack of a dad and to somehow take on parenting as if it were a full time job. It can be hard to get out of this mindset - I did it myself!

Maybe talk to your OH about things you can do when she no longer has to care for her DS. Make being an adult with no dependents seem like something to look forward to; all those holidays, weekends away, nice things you can do if you are going home to a clean and tidy house that is EMPTY...

Make him moving out look like an attractive prospect for her. Show her that here is life beyond parenting.

And I wish you all the luck in the world. To her, he is still about 14, and she may never see that he needs to grow up.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I think I would approach this with my partner from the perspective that her behaviour isn't helping him. I'm a bit like the mum in this situation - I have adult (19 and 20) sons living at home that I'm trying to 'train' - it's hard going. I was a sahm and got used to looking after them, esp when they were busy doing exams. But as a consequence, it's like pulling teeth to get them to wash up! But I know that if I don't change things they will become lazy men. So approach it from a 'trying to help him' direction. It's also okay to point out to your partner that this is your home and you don't want to live in a pit because a 26 year old man can't be arsed to put 3 day old toast in the bin. Maybe she needs a bit of help to see that he is a man and not a boy. I'd also be worried about the online gambling and debts. That might need tackling more than the mess tbh. Is she checking that he isn't racking up more debt if he's online all night?

Thank you, I believe that his gambling days are over after sitting down with him and his mum and almost mailing him paying off his debts. At the end of the day I don't want a black mark on this house. I do seem to have got my partner in to the mind set of leaving things, like the toast, until he realises that it's not right. Her son works within the building supply industry and I think she's realising he's not a kid when I trust him to use power tools when he does help with big diy projects. I also think this prooves to me that she does see him as a still being a child. I know it's not going to be easy and I do thank you for your reply.

[quote AdoreTheBeach]@FlyingByTheSeatof holy smokes! That link is amazing. I’m am going to be sharing that.

OP, lots of great advice on here. YANBU. He’s an adult and until he’s treated as one by your partner, he’s not going to “adult”. She’s actually doing him a disservice in the lung run as hell not have the skills to cope in the real world on his own.[/quote]
It is a very weird situation as he does seem to behave like an adult when it come to things like his job. He, just about, manages to gets to work on time, although my partner does set her alarm to make sure he's up in time (which I don't agree with as it is his responsibility to get up for work).
I totally agree that he's old enough to be able to look after himself and he has done it before when he lived by himself in their old family home.
I think it's going to be small steps to get things resolved.

Employ a cleaner / housekeeper and charge him.

I did this in a shared flat, rotas and one person one job didn't work so we got a cleaner for the communal areas and paid the cost with the rent.

I also think this prooves to me that she does see him as a still being a child.

I'm in my 50s, I'm still my dad's 'little girl'.

I don't think YABU at all op, you sound eminently reasonable to me.

I think the entire way your household works need to be reframed as an adult houseshare with each of you having individual responsibilities. To that end you could all have a meeting, write a list of every single job that needs doing and then allocate them to each of you according to individual preferences and skills. The big question of course is whether your partner's son will comply.

You definitely need your partner on board to effect this change though and it may take a while before she can alter her mindset. She must know in her heart of hearts that enabling her son's dependence is not ultimately going to do him any favours, especially where his health is concerned which sounds worrying. He needs to go to a diabetic nurse and take more responsibility for that.

I think quite a few families are experiencing this situation as Covid-19 has forced quite a few young adults to move back home. I think there is a board somewhere on here about adult children - maybe have a look at that? Good luck.

YANBU at all.

Please let your partner know that this will not help her son.

One day he will have to stand on his own two feet and will have no idea how to. He needs to learn to manage his diet etc and do the basics at home.

Good luck.

I wouldn't be mincing my words telling him what you think of a grown man squatting in your home and having his mother run around after him. And that he has outstayed his welcome and it is time to pack his bags and go. His health problems are his own to manage. He can choose a life of KFC and Subway and mouldy toast and uncontrolled diabetes and impotence - but not under your roof. You'll have to get tough; I doubt your partner will change because she's let him get away with this for too long.