Parents want to buy me furniture

[Thatbliddywoman]

More a WWYD? Maybe.
I'm single, no children. Late 30s. I'm buying my first house by myself. I've had a shit time recently with work issues and a (very!) Abusive ex. Very lucky to not lose my life..not sure if this is relevant but it may be influencing my parents.

No financial worries for parents. I'm not rich but managing. I am getting my own place soon and they have offered to buy me things I'd not dream of (like a wardobe for £700, I was looking at second hand stuff that was free or cheap).
I want a particular type of bed and have found a second hand one for £150, my mum wants my dad to make me one instead but I just don't want to put anyone out and I also dont want to feel indebted. My Mum says my dad would love to do it for me. I feel I've taken too much from them throughout my life anyway.

My Mum also says they have money and can afford to so why can't they make sure I've got nice things. I now think I'll feel bad if I have them buy me nice furniture, but also bad if I don't.

I also don't really like to buy new when so much decent furniture and other things get sent to landfill.

Any opinions welcome!
Yabu- let them buy you nice stuff
Yanbu-be independent and get what you can afford.

Unnecessarily rude comment there, LunaLula

PS I'd go with the hand made bed, but they'll happily buy you a less expensive, second hand wardrobe if it's decent quality and you just say you saw it and feel in love with it.

They are things you will keep and appreciate for a long time, they probably want you to have them and see them everyday and them put a smile on your face.

My dd is only 6 right now, but I think if we were in this situation in 30-odd years time then I would want to help her out

Your parents sound lovely.

I don't think there's anything wrong in your parents wanting to support you, particularly after a difficult time, even if that is financially. I also appreciate that having things bought for you which are much more expensive than you would perhaps prefer is also a burden for you. You are quite right in that there is some fabulous really solid furniture available second hand for a fraction of the price of new, often inferior quality stuff so could you perhaps compromise and have your Dad make the bed - labour of love for him rather than a chore and you look for really good quality second hand pieces which may have been restored but your parents pay for? Maybe there is something they could buy which is a more extravagant purchase that you don't really need but will absolutely love like a really unusual statement chair for the lounge with the money that would otherwise have been wasted (possibly in your eyes) on the more expensive, everyday items like a wardrobe.

Sorry, been working nights and just got home :)

Thank you so much for your replies, everyone. I know It's a 'first world' problem of every description.

errolthedragon good point. Very true.

maitland good idea-sadly enough I've spent so long thinking about others I am not even sure what I want but the particular sort of bed I want is one thing, so good idea.

shoptattsyrup Thank you. My Mum has actually suggested that herself (buy some really good quality, sturdy, classic second hand furniture).Thank you for the well wishes.

alcalavicci that is a good idea, thank you.
That dining set is lovely.

Marmite yes, I am beginning to come around to their point of view now.

Jesstann thank you for the flowers and wine I get it now. Having never been a parent maybe I just didn't understand.
I'm gay and in the North East, but do tell him I wish him well And thank you for the luck.

pixxie I'm with you-and you know despite not being a parent I've played a part in raising my ex's children and I felt the same then.

frownette to be fair I didn't specify my sexuality!

moving Thank you. I've not got a single YABU so I am reconsidering definitely.

lunalula I am extremely grateful for them in so many ways, and I just feel a bit humble about this. They have done quite enough, more than many parents would and I really do not think I have been rude-I've explained what I feel like to my Mum that I just don't want to take anything from them. I'm not sure what 'wet' means, is that a colloquilism?

Billybag it does feel like a huge step forward. My Dad is a perfectionist, he likes to work on things and he's a (retired but very skilled) carpenter. So yes, I will talk to him about it. :)

thingsdoget I think we have the same Mum That's such a lovely account of your Mum, thank you for sharing :)

procrastination thank you for standing up for me-I can see why people may feel that way especially as I feel, well I know what MN is like about 'stealth boasts' and I hoped I wouldn't be seen as doing that.

newname true-I need to shift my mindset to that instead of looking at it and thinking 'I'm still relying on Mummy and Daddy 'cause I cocked my life up. Any tips

beela yes, I hear you on that. I am sure I would be the same, on reflection.

teenage that is a great idea, thank you. A wardrobe to me is just a box to put clothes in. I wouldn't want an ugly one, of course but maybe I'll have a think about what I may really like for the house, and have them buy that. I will do that. It's going to be my first 'me' home :)

I guess I always feel like I owe someone something if they do something like this for me. I feel I really shouldn't 'need' their financial support now, I am an adult, not even a young one.

That probably or likely is a product of my being the 'underdog' in toxic relationships for a long time.

I am also coming from a position where I feel my daft life choices have made me in this position where I don't have as much money as I could have had, despite their support as a young woman (they paid me through university but I never managed to do anything with the education)so It's my fault, not theirs and their money is for them, not for me.

But I am seeing the other side now, and I understand it. Very grateful, and thanks again for all the well wishes, really appreciated. :)

Let them help you

Not sure if you might be related to me as I have a relative in a very similar situation.
Anyway, in case you aren't her, I'll tell you what I told her....
let them buy you some things. They know you've had a hard time. They want to help you to set out on the next phase of your life. They know you work hard and you are deserving of something special. They have worked hard all their lives and earned the money. They'd rather you have a few things now which will really help you out instead of the money just disappearing (eg. for possible care home fees in the future or inheritance tax) or it just sits in the bank because they don't really need it.

Make sure they let you choose the items though otherwise you might end up with a load of stuff they like. Think about a couple of things they really like. If you would like your Dad to make you a bed I think that would be wonderful as it will always be something you have to remind you of his love for you.

That should say "couple of things you really like"!!!

Let them enjoy helping you. Choose something that you really appreciate though. - not what they think you might like.

Is there something practical they could help you buy - a really good fridge-freezer or cooker for example? These are the kind of things it’s risky buying second-hand; you never know when they might conk out. If you could say to your parents ‘I’m really grateful, but £700 on a wardrobe seems so much. What would really help is X...’ they still get to help, and you get something you can really use.

Stop being wet and be grateful instead of rude to your parents

Just what someone who’s just escaped an abusive relationship needs to hear. Christ, some people are ignorant.

That's lovely - let them help you. I'd love to be able to do the same for my daughter when she is older.

All the best in your new home OP.

I want to say YANBU... but I also want to say that you totally should be open to letting them buy you stuff

Only you know their personalities. Will they hold this against you on the LR if you go along with them now? If so, stick to your guns.

Or are they really wanting to do this out of the goodness of their hearts?? If so, let them, and enjoy being looked after. You're their child and they'll always think you are deserving.

One day when they aren't here any more you don't want to feel bad about having hurt their feelings at a time when they wanted to give. Also one day when they aren't here any more to look after you, and you might give anything to have that time of your life back.

If you like secondhand furniture I'd buy that and let your dad make the bed and ask them to buy lovely paint, accessories, white goods and appliances

They want you to have something nice so you have a lovely environment for you.

Secondhand can be lovely, but new isn't a bad thing.

Accept with thanks.

Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it comes across to me, that you don’t think you are worthy of having nice things. It’s as if you still think you deserve to be treated badly and have to earn the right to respect and love and to have nice things given to you or purchased by yourself. The notion of whether your parents do have the time and money or even need to treat you and help you are, to me, red hearings.
You have achieved incredible things to get this far. You are worth more than you are letting yourself accept. Your parents love and care for you. That never stops once children are adults - you will always be their child.

Herrings not hearings. Apologies for spelling.

bargebill I haven't taken it wrongly, it is very possible you're right. I felt I had come a long way and maybe I still do, but that is something I maybe need to still work on. I am going to speak to my Mum about this tomorrow. I guess I need her to understand, but it helps that this thread has meant that I now understand her point of view too.

My children are 20s rather than 30s but I would do this or want to. If DF can make the bed you want, then let him. If you don't need the new wardrobes think of something nice you would like (maybe a trip or experience if you don't want new stuff) and tell them. You are worth nice things.

Thank you @C8H10N4O2

You can afford to furnish it yourself so do it. Take pride in being independent. Enjoy your house, your stuff.

Ask your parents around to your house and cook them a meal. Show them your house. They'll bring a nice bottle of wine and a box of choices which you can drink and eat in your place. They'll be proud as hell.

PS - if your Mum wants your Dad to make you bed ,then accept that. That would be a lovely gift which you would treasure. Assuming your Dad can make a nice bed. If he can't give him hug and have a laugh together.