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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my mum to live with me?

19 replies

Plmoknijb123 · 26/09/2020 22:49

I want to buy a house with a granny flat for my elderly mother to live in (if she wishes). She’s divorced and doesn’t have any other close relatives. I think this would be wonderful for both of us, as she could spend time with her grandchild and I would be close by to help her if needed. My husband is supportive of this idea as he gets along well with my mum.

My MIL however has become really nasty about this proposal and I envisage a lifetime of snide comments and horribleness coming from her, potentially due to jealousy and competitiveness. She is over a decade younger than my mother, married and has lots of other family and friends so she’s at a totally different stage in life to my mum. But before I go ahead, AIBU to consider this course of action?

I’m interested to hear whether if you were the MIL, whether you would feel unhappy about this arrangement?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/09/2020 22:52

What the fuck is it to do with her? If you, your husband and your mum are up for it then crack on. Bizarre your MIL thinks she has any say in the matter.

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 22:55

Could you just lie to the MIL and say your mother is ill and has literally no other family? Then she makes a miraculous recovery. It’s a difficult one as I see her point if the same offer isn’t extended to her but even if it was I doubt she’d want to. I hope you get some actual practical advice here as it’s a tricky one and needs careful treading. Who told her about the proposal? Does she think it’s your idea? Has your husband actually said something to her you don’t know about?

Pipandmum · 26/09/2020 22:59

She may not like it but I don't see what it has to do with her.
However be sure your mother is completely on board with the idea and not just agreeing to please you. You don't say whether she would be moving from another area, but if she is will she have the same social structure and independence? It may be lovely to spend more time with you and her grandchildren, but she is more than just a grandmother.

Emeraldshamrock · 26/09/2020 23:00

It is a lovely idea. Tell MIL you'll get twin singles and she can move in too, say it with a convincing face she'll soon change her attitude.

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 23:06

@Emeraldshamrock

It is a lovely idea. Tell MIL you'll get twin singles and she can move in too, say it with a convincing face she'll soon change her attitude.
Omg yes, tell her this.
Original poster
Plmoknijb123 · 26/09/2020 23:08

@LouiseTrees it is my idea because my mum and I are very close. My husband and I told her along with others that it’s an idea we are considering. We would offer her the same if she was alone but she isn’t and isn’t likely to be in the near future.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 26/09/2020 23:09

It's nothing to do with your MIL. As long as you, DH and your mum are happy with the plan, that's what matters.

Oh...do you have kids? Are they happy about it?

CyberNan · 26/09/2020 23:09

you sound like a lovely daughter....

twin singles is deffo the way forward... maybe even bunk beds..
tell your mil she can have the top bunk as she is so much younger:-)

Original poster
Plmoknijb123 · 26/09/2020 23:10

@Pipandmum my mum is very keen on it. She would be moving back to a familiar area so would be better for her. She has friends etc close but not friends that she could live with etc. And she dotes on her grandchild and is desperate to do little things to help. I am very careful not to take advantage I just think it would be a win win.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plmoknijb123 · 26/09/2020 23:12

@SandyY2K I have a baby, and have been very careful to include both my mum and MIL in everything. But I’m just thinking this through as it would be a big move.

OP posts:
Original poster
Plmoknijb123 · 26/09/2020 23:18

@Emeraldshamrock hahahaa! Good idea!

OP posts:
Wakemeupwhenthisisover · 27/09/2020 14:59

What’s it to do with mil. Just say oh right that’s nice every time she makes a comment and do whatever you want.

Rookiegardener · 27/09/2020 15:01

@AnneLovesGilbert

What the fuck is it to do with her? If you, your husband and your mum are up for it then crack on. Bizarre your MIL thinks she has any say in the matter.
This. And this. Live your life and ignore your mil. It's nothing to do with her. Good on you to care for your mum Smile
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2020 15:02

I wouldn't care what your MIL thinks about it. It has nothing to do with her, and I certainly wouldn't stand around listening to her kick off about it.

DustyMaiden · 27/09/2020 15:07

She may be worried that she won’t get to spend time with you or the D.C. without your DM there.
I had MIL live with me she was 10 years older than my DM. DM didn’t let that stop her popping her clogs.

sst1234 · 27/09/2020 15:08

Go for it, sounds a good idea, and don’t try to OM pacify mother in law. She’ll get over it. Too important to let someone else’s feelings put you off.

VictoriaBun · 27/09/2020 15:09

As well as the emotional side of it , please also look into the legal side. If it is just you that is buying the house , fine . But if you mum is also selling her house to enable you to buy a bigger house / or have building work and you have siblings, then how will that work when making a will ? Also what happens if you choose to move, or even if you and your dh were to divorce and the house needed to be sold ? Not nice questions but ones that need thinking about.

HazelWong · 27/09/2020 15:53

If I were the MIL, being totally honest, I wouldn't like it. It would always feel like I was a guest in my son's home whereas his MIL lived there. Inevitably I would be much less close to the children. I think it's only human nature to feel a bit like that. I wouldn't say anything about it though.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't do what works for you - but she isn't unreasonable to have feelings about it either.

I do think it's worth talking to your DH and your mother about expectations. He might be assuming she would be in her flat more than she is assuming. It's unusual for someone to like their MIL so much that they want to be around them all the time

Original poster
Plmoknijb123 · 27/09/2020 16:03

@VictoriaBun Good points I will look into this! @HazelWong yes I agree, I’ve spoken to my husband and we are very clear as to what will happen. The thing is my mum is quite a hermit anyway so will be quite happy to live by herself in her granny flat. She’s not intrusive at all.

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