Looking for some perspective on dds dad behaviour

[Survivingastorm]

Already posted in relationships but didn't get much a response.

My ex and I have a beautiful dd who is almost 2, he was abusive so I left him. Went through court as I had safe guarding concerns. Court has now granted over night stays in the interim as ex wants to drag this out to a final hearing.

Initially I told ex until I could be sure dd was safe with him all contact would be in a contact centre, and id pay half, or supported by one of my family members plus anyone that he wished to bring (I wouldn't allow it to be just his family as they allowed and almost encourage ex's behaviour). Over a 4 month period ex refused to see dd unless it was unsupported or ask how she was because I said communication was to go through my sister as he was being abusive via email. Now he is seeing dd again, court had order every other weekend for him to see dd but he wanted every weekend or 3 out of 4 weekends. Court has said for there to be video contact in-between visits but ex has said no it isn't a good substitute for face to face therefore I don't want the calls as they're not beneficial.

It is illogical or unreasonable to think that this behaviour shows that if ex isn't getting his own way he is just simply not interested.. and that he doesn't seem to care for dd much? Even issues he has raised to the judge and the judge has said no it will be this way he is still contesting.. which seems crazy to me. The judge has already said no to your request why are you going to keep pushing it.

I also don't know if I'm projecting, I would do anything to see dd, so even if I wasn't happy with the situation I would still see her as she is my baby and I love her.

Bump

You’re not projecting and you’re not being illogical or unreasonable. The bit that’s obvious is the refusal of the video calls. Fair enough if he still wanted to contest more visitation time but no reasonable person would turn DOWN and refuse to video call because they didn’t get their own way.

With the contesting more visitation I think it annoys me because Ive offered more but he wants weekends only and I'm having to say she should have quality time with me too. He is more than happy to go 4 months without even asking how dd was but going two weeks between visits because he doesn't want midweek contact is too much.

On top of this, he wants me to drag dd on the train and 5pm on a Sunday to do a 2 1/2 journey I've done the journey before.. it's a lot of waiting at cold remote stations. As I don't drive I said I'll pay for half the petrol but it isn't fair to drag dd on the train especially at this time of year, not bothered about myself, for her it isn't fair. Judge agreed it wouldn't be in dd best interest, again ex is contesting.

He's just being difficult because he enjoys getting under your skin. He probably see contact as a useful stick to beat you with. Iykts not about your DD or he'd want to Skype . Rise above it & don't let him see you're reacting, just be calm & distant.

It is pointless video calling a toddler. But he's probably BU overall.

Our dd does really well with video calls, initially she had these calls with her dad but he just wouldn't speak to her. She even picked up a toy carrot to show him during a call and he just ended the call, it was so sad. But dd will even kiss the phone screen when calling other family members.

Was he controlling in your relationship?

Stick exactly to what the judge says, no more or less. Don’t be dragging her on the train if the judge said you don’t have too.

If he doesn’t like it then that’s his problem. Also if you haven’t already start a diary. Write down every example of when he isn’t interested in your Dd and especially every time he shows that he’s trying to go against the judges orders.

A lot of abusive men use the court processes as a took to continue their control.

Ego. It’s just ego. I worked with children for 25 years. I saw perfectly normal stable children get worse and worse worse and worse when they parents split up and ego was more important than the child.
Using children as a pawn is one of the most awful things any parent can do.

@lyralalala, very controlling and he knows the best way to control me is through dd. At the end of our relationship he ended up being abusive to her in order to control me. Would tell me not to speak to professionals about dd, that social would take dd away. I always said to him, do whatever you want to me I've survived worse but don't you take it out on our dd.. guess I was just showing my hand. But I do just want the judge to decide as I can't deal with this man as it's either all his way or nothing.

@Paranoidmarvin I think it probably is ego and punishment for leaving him. I just try and focus on how much I love dd and what id wish for her in the future, part of that is a healthy relationship with her dad but I'm not going to have him bully me and use dd as a way to control me especially when he can't really be bothered with her. Hoping he either comes to his senses and concentrates on dd or just goes away.

Hi, only properly beginning this journey myself, so you could probably offer me more advice than I can offer you!
But what I would say is stick with it, you know what the judge has/recommended and I think if anything, can you go back to pass on further info if ex is being difficult?
I know it not that easy, as I was told just the other day that court always seem to give some form of contact.
My ds father has been difficult over certain periods, where he is now having to take on board that we won't be living together again.
Did you ever report anything to the police, as I have been told to, doesn't have to be physical. As my ex is aggressive and speaks in a way/body movements etc that put me on edge.
At the moment he is having normal contact, but I am monitoring how things go.
Can I also ask does your ex text you, though I have text about things he has done, and also of late because of a family situation he was caught up in on my side of the family, I try not to text unless about our ds. Ex texts a few times a day to ask after ds, which is what he's always done, so I don't expect even if there was no alterior motive, for that to just stop when it is what he has got used to doing. But it was explained to me by a professional, that in the case of an abusive ex, this can be seen as controlling etc, and a way of keeping in contact with me.
He did say when I initially put my foot down that we would not be living together again, that he would not see our ds anymore, again agreeing to post above that said what a normal person would never say. That lasted two days before he asked to see him.
He also used to say I would get in trouble if I went to SS, etc, but I have had contact with them and certainly didn't get in trouble!

How can expect stangers to judge? There are always two sides to such conflict.

Ultimately, you denied him access due to safeguarding concerns, but if the judge order access eow, these were deemed unreasonable, so he probably goes around saying you used your DD to control him.

Video calls with little ones are not great, and ultimately, she can only do it with you in the background, so he might be concerned about you observing him.

He might have reasonable reasons why he can't see her in the week, we don't know. We also don't know if he or you moved far away.

Whatever the situation, he has been granted rights to unsupervised visits do you are better of trying to be civil to eachother and accept that never you nor he will go away.

@Redruby25, I would say record everything that happens.. from texts, when he refuses to see your ds and also ds behaviour after contact. I had to go as far as having photos of dd before contact as ex was making all sort of allegations about me alienating him from dd and setting him up to fail by dressing her inappropriately and other ridiculous allegations. So I had to cover all my bases. The other thing is that court won't allow you to produce this evidence until a final hearing so until which point court will just be judging on your behaviour in court and towards any professionals. I made this mistake, a person supervising contact was making up parts of their report and I have evidence to support it but they won't view the evidence yet so I just looked like an unreasonable mother. Luckily that view is changing and ex got so comfortable thinking he has won he started showing his true nature.. but still just be careful with this. Apart from that have a police record and same with any professional involved.

Also my ex doesn't text me, he never asked about dd before even when the court process started. Would only text before to harass me but I made it clear if he done it again Id press charges, so it's via email through my sister as I find if it's directly to me he'll use this to manipulate but with my sister.. well he doesn't bother emailing her so it works. Good luck with the process though, it's so stressful but just focus on ds and what is best for him.

@Survivingastorm I had a feeling you'd say that

Stick exactly to what the judge says. No trains as the judge has said that isn't in your DDs interests.

If he's not interested in video calls then that's his loss. Keep a record of each week that passes that he doesn't bother with contact.

@dontdisturbmenow there are always two sides yes. But to be clear cafcass has said dd is at moderate risk from ex and it is only due to protective factors on of them being myself that these risks are outweighed. With regards to denying access, I told ex you can still see dd but it has to either be in a contact centre (that I was willing to pay half for) or with one of my family members present and he could have any of his present. He decided going 4 months without seeing dd would be better than having to see her with someone else present. Some of you may remember some of my previous posts but ex threw water in dds face because she wouldn't stop crying and threatened to make dd an orphan by pushing me down the stairs all of which I have proof of happening which was passed to cafcass. Even with the travel I'm offering to pay half. Sorry if that seems snappy, just trying to explain it all.

@lyralalala I certainly will go with what the judge orders, hoping she goes with cafcass. My fear is he'll continue using dd and in the end she'll be the one that suffers. On top of that the allegations.. me apparently putting on dds nappy incorrectly causing it to leak and setting him up to fail.. all of which are just making me anxious hence recording everything as I just don't know where the next allegation is coming from.

I think that's what I mean about projecting. I wouldn't go 4 months without seeing dd, if the only way I could see her would be in a situation I didn't like I would still see her. as with the video calls I would do them just to see dd, read her a story.. he could be observing but if I'm not doing anything other than talking to dd what can he say and if he did I'll record the calls to show that nothing is happening. Simply because seeing dd is most important regardless of who is there. But perhaps that is just me, but just seems that with ex it either has to be on his terms or not at all.

There are always two sides to such conflict

Yes of course the OP is being deliberately difficult by offering video calls and wanting to spend every other weekend with her child

There’s actually no conflict here. OP is clearly trying to foster a relationship between father and child in the safest way possible. If he wanted to see his child he would do video calls, pick her up taking half the petrol money and get on with every other weekend whilst she is young, using the court system to build up to 50/50 as she grows. Not behave like a petulant child because he isn’t getting his way.

OP - they don’t improve. The court system sadly can be used to abuse an ex so don’t expect this to go away any time soon. Every other weekend is fine. He expects you to do the grunt work during the week and then him have all the fun. My ex told a CAFCASS officer he would have the kids at the weekend so I could rest and enjoy myself! If you’re lucky, he will lose interest as soon as the court situation is over and won’t bother seeing her at all. He might go back to court every now and again so keep a log of missed contact and keep all texts and emails. Don’t do anything verbally - you need it all in writing.

@Enoughnowstop the irony is he wouldn't go for 50/50 as it would mean having to move closer to dd and that won't happen.. what he would do however is go for a residency order in his favour even though he has admitted he wouldn't be able to care for her during the week. I have a feeling a lot of the reason he only wants weekends is because that's when his parents are off and no doubt he will be palming dd off.

Thing is if he were a loving father while we were together I could just about manage to get past this behaviour.. but he wasn't and all his behaviour is doing is reminding me he is still the same manipulative, agressive and controlling man I left, completely incapable of listening to anyone else if he doesn't agree with what is being said or it doesn't suit him.