Bday presents

[NewYearDear]

So DP (12 years, 2 kids) was crap on my birthday - one nice but fairly inexpensive present I asked for (say £35) a balloon and a cake. Fine. But no effort to come down for breakfast With me and kids, have lunch together because WFH, finished working late, no dinner suggestion or offer. Felt really low about it. Have just seen (phone snooping - please don’t berate me) he bought and sent his female colleague (who he clearly fancies but has zero chance with) a more expensive (say £40) and thoughtful gift. I’m gutted!! I’ve never bought a colleague a proper bday gift and I doubt he has either! Call it out? Is the value irrelevant? Will out my snooping. He’ll say it’s because she’s been so helpful to him of late blah blah blah. Still not on though - a tenner bottle of wine would do.

That’s awful, I’d be really cross with my partner for buying a work colleague a gift that was more thoughtful and expensive than mine. If you don’t want to be outed for snooping you’re not going to be able to say anything, but treat yourself to something lovely yourself - a new book, cd, something fab that makes you feel good. If you’re not fussed about being rumbled for snooping (is there another issue?) then tell him, it’s a shitty thoughtless thing to do, and he’s let you down. and and a belated happy birthday to you.

I would be furious.

To be honest I’d be rethinking my relationship. I don’t want to be with someone who has feeling for someone else.

If he DID have a chance what would he be doing?

Nah. That shit isn’t for me.

That's fucking dodgy and I'd be fuming. If my husband ever felt inclined to buy someone else a present, especially a woman, he'd run it by me, 1. For a second opinion on the gift idea and 2. To know whether it was appropriate.
How much snooping did you have to do? Could you have seen it without snooping. I.e amazon sends you notifications when delivering/requesting reviews for products you'd just bought. Could you say you saw the notification to review his recent order. Assumed it was your present and was going to review it but found out he'd actually bought a totally inappropriate gift for some other woman.
Did he send it to her home address?

It is my birthday today. 2 physical cards, others may follow, no presents from real people.
I am actually not that bothered, but I am now 62 eek!

Why do you think he fancies her?

I would be very unimpressed. It's not about the cost for me, but the effort. I am not sure I would be able to contain my feelings to be honest...

@NewYearDear @FraughtwithGin happy birthday!!!

I think it’s the push I needed. Relationship went cold a long time ago. I’ve hung in there for the kids (v young) but I’m having the pi55 taken out of me now!
Even she responded “oh my god are you crazy” when the gift came through - home address yes.
I’ve been keeping an eye on his exchanges with her for ages to see where it goes. Absolutely nothing has or will go on and I don’t think I’d even say it’s an emotional affair because there’s no sharing personal info - but it’s inappropriate and secretive. I’m best out of this nonsense but I need to muster up the strength to go (well ask him to go). Thanks ladies, was feeling very low and well... unreasonable!

I think you have bigger problems than a shitty birthday gift OP.

So he fancies another woman, not a huge deal on its own but would he act on it if he didn’t have “zero chance”?

You were snooping in his phone. Why? What are you suspicious about?

He didn’t make any effort to spend quality time with you on your bday. Is that normal for your relationship?

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about your relationship and how you both are feeling about it and each other at the moment. Hopefully you can move forward together but if you do nothing you’ll end up bitter and angry I bet.

Happy birthday @FraughtwithGin
Must admit I’m not that fussed about the years clocking up! But I think it’s nice for the kids to see what it’s like to be thoughtful, excited for someone else etc.

He fancies her because - well she’s attractive and the messages are boastful and anything she likes / has he then likes / has! It’s pathetic. Lots of dirty jokes sent to her. She doesn’t discourage but she certainly doesn’t encourage.

If I bring this up he will have absolutely no comprehension Or understanding as to why the tone of the chat / pressie etc is inappropriate and disrespectful. In fact he will think I’m totally bonkers.

Oh if he had a chance with her would he be there? For sure!
This has been cathartic. I’m so glad I reached out. Seeing it in blank and white is a stark wake up call.