AIBU to think it is possible to regret a second child ?

[peachescream9]

this is so hard to post but i have to get it out.
l really regret having a second child.
I had DS1 and i was over the moon, he was my world and i loved him so much. I really wanted another for the reason i wanted him to have a sibling and because i loved it so much the first time round i wanted to do it again.
DS2 is now 3 and i havent felt the same way at all :( and i hate the relentlessness of it all. i always have this feeling as soon as i wake up of regret. Hes not a difficult child, infact easier than DS1 ever was, but its just not the same i now find it all such a slog.
Dont get me wrong i love them both so much but i just dont enjoy parenting this time round at all, and i thought i might enjoy it a little more as DS2 got older but no. Now im thinking i may never enjoy it, and thats a very hard pill to swallow.
is it just me that feels like this? i could never speak to someone about this IRL but like i said i feel like i need to talk to someone about it

Hi OP,

You poor thing. ❤️ It must be really hard feeling like that every day. Can you pinpoint anything specific that makes it feel relentless or a slog? Did you suffer from PND when he was born? It might be that you’re still suffering now. I know you’re probably afraid of being judged in real life but maybe it’s worth a call to your GP to see about some counselling to help you manage? I’d imagine there are a lot of people that feel like you.

I can’t really offer any advice as I’m technically not a parent yet (pregnant with my first) but just wanted to try and offer you some kindness. I’m an early years teacher so teach children of the same age as your DS and it is relentless sometimes. Maybe try and look for one thing that you enjoyed each day about parenting him. If you can’t find one then don’t beat yourself up, just think that you can try again tomorrow.

Are you getting time for yourself at all? Do you have a partner or anyone that can help you?

You sound like I felt when I had mild depression.

Hi op,

That sounds incredibly hard to deal with. I don’t mean to sound horrible, but that’s not normal, especially as he is 3, that’s 3 years and still nothing?

Making you have a underlying issue and could gently speak to a professional as it sounds like something’s wrong but you don’t realise it is.

I felt this about my first. My second wasn't planned but came along in very quick succession (14 months) and I felt the bond so much quicker with her and she was a much easier child to parent. I never enjoyed parenting or understood how anyone else did until I had her . The sibling relationship is a nightmare as all they do is fight and it's exhausting.

I obviously don't show this or have ever admitted it in real life. In fact I probably over compensate with DD1 out of guilt. I really make the effort to have one to one time with her and to remind myself about all her good qualities. That helps a lot. It's definitely got easier over the years but sadly I don't think it will ever fully go away.

thank you for the replies
i cant really pinpoint what it is that makes me feel like this, i do think i have some sort of depression. I thought it was PND at first but didnt do much about it as i thought it would pass but now 3 years on i still feel like this and it feels life consuming. i know its not normal but i dont know what to do.
I have been thinking lately about talking to a professional, i dont want this feeling to go on, and i feel like it may get worse if i dont deal with it now.
I dont treat them any different to each other or favour one over the other. I know i show them the same amount of love and care.
I do get time to myself and i have a partner, i have family around who can offer childcare and the drop of a hat which i am very grateful for.
This is why it doesnt make any sense to me :(

Of course it doesn’t make sense, you don’t need a reason to feel the way you do. Sometimes it could be a chemical imbalance that could happen to anyone at any time.

Professionals won’t expect you to have a reason, that’s not how it works.

Visit your gp, it will be hard at first but help in the long run.

@LunaLula83 There was nothing kind about your post. Disgusting. Mental health problems don't go away just because someone has fortunate circumstances.

OP, this very much sounds like PND to me. I'm so sorry you've been struggling with it for so long. It is very very treatable (I'm proof of that!) so please do reach out for the help you need and deserve. for you.

I think it's clear from the many, many previous posts on the subject that a considerable amount of people regret having children. Being shamed for saying it helps no one, least of all the child/children in question. Also, plenty of our parents and grandparents were openly hostile towards their DC (as also evidenced on many threads) and I know my own grandmother spent most of her life whinging about her circumstances, so I think the pp above is misguided there.

Go to your GP OP. It's horrible feeling this way so hopefully your GP can point you in the right direction with regards counseling/medication for depression if required. Good luck

I think when children are little, life can be tough. It is relentless and exhausting and days can feel like Groundhog Day. I became a single parent when mine were very young and I clearly remember regretting having my second. (I usually had these thoughts when he was having a massive, screaming tantrum about something very trivial). But looking back I was just tired and life was hard. Ten years later and I'm so fierce about both my dc and love having both of them in my lives.
Definitely explore these feelings with your doctor or a counsellor. But it's normal for many people to find life tough and relentless when they're little, so try not to feel guilty.

From my personal experience, the relentlessness can really get in the way with #2. You’re a bit older and natural background hormones change and then just been through 2 big hormonal tidal waves, well there’s a whole bunch of reasons right there to feel off centre. My Dr sent me to a colleague who was the women’s Dr for the centre and changed my contraception in light of my feelings.

A year on life is less relentless, my brain has less chaos and I have moments where my bond now with #2 is such that, dare I say, they are my “favourite”.
Started with my GP

Poor you OP, that sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

I can empathise. I can't say I've ever regretted having my second child because I haven't, but I do feel I have a much stronger bond with my 1st. I have found having 2 children SO MUCH harder than having 1 and it does feel like much more of a slog.

Feeling guilty is completely pointless, you cannot help the way you feel and pushing it down and ignoring it/denying it will not be good for you or you family in the long run. I think the key is to accept your feelings whilst acknowledging that they far from ideal. Adding guilt and anxiety into the mix will only make things worse. Find a professional you can talk to honestly to get it all off your chest, this alone can work wonders. Try not to think about the future e.g. 'I'm always going to feel like this. My life is ruined' and take each day at a time. None of us knows where we'll be in a month let alone a year. Accept the situation you're in - you regret having a second child (you won't be the first or the last) but you have a second child and they need and deserve your love and support. Every day, do what you can and accept what you can't.

PND can last for years. Or, you can get past the hormonal changes, but by then plain old depression has settled in. Bit chicken and egg, I think, whether you haven’t bonded with the second so you are still depressed, or you are depressed following the never ending slog, so cannot enjoy your second.

I feel just like you, and feel like an evil witch much of the time because my second child has needs, and my whole life has changed even further. I mean, I already felt having a second was a huge mistake in terms of my mental health, and then discovered this, so have not come to terms with it all in any way. But I persevere with the counselling and medicine because it’s a ton better than it used to be. It’s possible that what I’m feeling now is just because of our present situation with the high needs, difficult to tell.

Ignore Luna, obnoxious thing to say.

It’s clear from just a google on the subject that it’s far from unusual to regret having children - especially when they are small and a lot of parenting is just relentless drudgery. Small children mean you have less money, sex, sleep, and time for yourself, and they often mean more worry, a toll on your mental and physical health and living in a body you don’t recognise - and lots of people regret making that choice.

I think it’s not uncommon for people to feel this way about their second child. When you have one you can tag team with your partner. They can watch the child while you have a shower and do your hair or go to the gym (or whatever). But when there’s two it becomes one parent per child, plus the attention you can give to your older child is reduced which results in feelings of guilt.

I’d suggest going to see your GP because it does sound like it could be depression. And also, it will almost certainly get better. You are in the thick of it now.

I agree with suggestions to speak to your GP as it does sound like depression. It could make a very big difference. (I’m speaking from personal experience here.)

You were very brave to post this thread, OP. Please ignore any nasty posts, you can’t help how you feel.

Thank you so much everyone for the kind comments and understanding.
I will ignore the one nasty comment, its just a shame as its comments like that, that make people feel they cant talk about these things, therefore making them spiral into deeper self loathing, depression etc

I am very fortunate and grateful to have the support i do, i would never complain about my situation m, i am very blessed, but i have this horrible nagging feeling of regret and such little enjoyment of the day to day care of 2 children. When i so loved it with my eldest.
I have come to realise that these feelings probably arent real regret, just maybe PND that hasnt been dealt with.
I will make sure to make an appointment with GP tomorrow. Again thank you so luch for the support