To want to be a bit messy?

[DotTheCaddy]

Got into a heated discussion this morn with DH about our polar opposite tidiness standards.

He is a neat freak, everything has its place and everything should be put away at all times. I dont want us to live in a hovel by any stretch but I like having my bits and bobs around, I like to feel like I live here and dont want my stuff to be tidied away at every opportunity!

If I had my way we would have way more books, colours, clutter etc around the house but he just wants everything to be so minimal and perfect.

He clearly thinks hes a saint for putting up with my untidy ways, whereas I think we are just different and we should compromise where we can and neither of us are right or wrong!

AIBU here?

I’m with you. While I’d love to be naturally tidier than I am, I don’t think it’s any healthier to be obsessively neat and clean.

Neither of you are unreasonable. I’m like your DH, if the house is messy my heads messy but no one I live with is like it so we have to compromise. One of you isn’t right and one of you wrong, just different.

It needs to have a bit of both of you. My partner is very neat.
I clean often but I'm naturally messy there is always bits and bobs around.

Are you not seeing the mess though? As a messy person I often can’t see the mess. It’s only when I really look i see. It’s not dirty at all. Just messy. I’m fine with it too. But I can’t see how it’s easy to miss.

Sorry my AIBU isnt that clear - I think that neither of us is right or wrong, he thinks I'm wrong and he puts up with it!

I can relate to this as my DH is like this. Basically we've got to a point where if he sees mess that he's not happy with he has to clear it up.

No you're not wrong. It is your home unless your planning on storing garbage he needs to loosen up.
If he is constantly criticising who you are he'll find himself alone in his pristine home.
Can you both have a separate space where you can live as you please.

@Freddiefox There isn't usually a mess with you live with a tidy person just some stuff not put away yet.
DP cleans really fast.

Feel my pain. I have you & your DH inside my OWN head! Half of me lives everything minimal & tidy and the other half likes 'my stuff' around me... it's hard work!

I hope you can resolve it.

Would you/he be ok with 'designated' spaces being yours/'untidy' (like your bedside table, your table beside where you usually sit? etc.

You could also argue that you are putting up with his overly neatness. Is he like it in all areas of the house including the kitchen and does the required neatness extend to being clean as well? My DH has selective neat ways. As long as it's tidy it could be filthy and a bomb could have gone off in the kitchen and that wouldn't bother him. The selective nature of his approach can really piss me off at times.

I'm a bit in the middle. I guess it depends what you mean by mess. Dirty cups, used plates and food wrappers stacking up around where you are sitting or unused clutter gathering dust is unreasonable. A few books, the remote and a just finished tea cup where you are sitting or an untidy bookcase is a bit different.

I'm not a neat freak but I cannot rest if the house is untidy. There is a difference between messy and dirty.

I couldn’t be with someone so rigid, if fee so uneasy in my own home.

It works well though for couples we know when only one is a neat freak, the understanding is that they are free to clean and tidy as they wish but not to nag or force their ways on the partner.

You need to agree a shared minimum standard of hygiene - things like clean toilets and shower, mopping hoovering at least once per week or whatever you agree between you, no food splashes or filth in the kitchen, and a time limit on clutter (that can be a hard one to pin down, but for me it means by the end of the day, things are where they need to be - shoes go to the closet or shoe rack, post to the bin or the filing tray on my desk, any cardigans shed around the house during the day are back in the hamper or wardrobe, etc). But beyond that, your right to a bookshelf with your favourite dog-eared paperbacks is just as important as his right to a completely clear sideboard. If he won't compromise or tries to make you feel like you're not as good of a person as he is just because you have a different aesthetic sense, well, that would be a red line for me. Is it for you?

My friend called me a hoarder once. I couldn't understand why so I asked her and she said she couldn't understand why I kept books that I'd read . I feel twitchy in bare places where everything is put away with the odd ornament and picture and a live, laugh, love decal dotted around.

Partly depends which one of you does the cleaning. Dusting and sweeping isn't much fun at the best of times and having to pick up and clean someone's clutter before you can clean the surface you are meant to be cleaning just makes it even more of a grind.

I'm with your DH. I hate clutter and mess for the sake of mess. I'm a minimalist all the way.

I think this would be interesting to see his point of view. What you classify as “neat freak” could be fairly normal behaviour and you having your “bits and bobs around” could be just a mess of nothing put away.

Your perspective snd his clearly differ. The fact you want “clutter” in your own words pretty much shows the issue. Most people do not aim for clutter.

Personally I can’t live with mess like that and would struggle if my husband wished to leave shit lying around all over the place.

So for me, I’m not sure he is a neat freak or if you deem anyone who doesn’t live in clutter and puts their stuff away to be so.

Neither of you are right or wrong. In this house I'm the neat freak, oh is messy. It can cause problems but for me the house being clean and tidy really makes me feel better and less stressed. It's being understanding of each other! Oh now knows how much calmer I am when the house is tidy so I think he'd rather tidy then put up with my foul mood with it being messy. Win for me 😃

I'm not a fan of mess and clutter, eg the dining table being used as a dumping zone, but we have shelves full of books, photos in unmatched frames, the odd houseplant, candles that are actually used and the only decals are in DSs room and feature dragons, there's also a fair amount of colour/patterned fabrics/textures, old/interesting furniture, the occasional random oddity with picked up on our travels (no I heart magaluf souvenirs). I can't live somewhere clinical, a grey box with a silver brushed velvet sofa and a giant canvas of my newborn in a bucket on the wall is my idea of hell.

This is about compromise but I see red flags when someone says my oh is a neat freak and I like my bits and bobs around and want more clutter.

The reality is that often translates to someone who is messy and leaves shit lying all over the place. And accuses their partner of being a neat freak when they are nothing of the sort, they just can’t live in what is basically a mess.

Not helpful I know but , lol at baby in bucket in wall... Just why!?

This is about compromise but I see red flags when someone says my oh is a neat freak and I like my bits and bobs around and want more clutter.

The reality is that often translates to someone who is messy and leaves shit lying all over the place. And accuses their partner of being a neat freak when they are nothing of the sort, they just can’t live in what is basically a mess.

This, exactly.

DP doesn't live here. If he did, every single surface would be covered in stuff he simply put down wherever he happened to be, shortly before whining he had lost said piece of stuff and didn't know where it was.

I too am curious about the baby in a bucket!

Its seriously not that bad. I'm not filthy or anything. Example from this morning was that I left my mask on the kitchen table cos we were going out again instead of putting it back in the area that DH has designated for masks.