I want my partner to quit his job

[Coconutmallow]

This week I got sick and I’m hoping it’s just a cold as it’s day three and I’m feeling better. I’ve been quite fatigued and did have a cough but only for about a day. I’m mainly very snotty and no temperature. But I do feel like it’s going.

My partner works in customer service and we have a baby. With a second wave and lockdown, getting ill scared me, especially as my baby has been sneezing too.

He doesn’t work full time and doesn’t earn much money. I’m earning around £3-£4,000 a month. I feel like we don’t really need his income (around £600 a month) and I just feel it’s not worth the risk of him being around hundreds of customers.

In my head I know my anxiety would ease if he quit. However I also know having a job is very important for mental health and self-esteem and I wouldn’t want him to feel low or emasculated.

I of course haven’t asked him, it’s just been on my mind the past few days. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable so I would just like some thoughts on whether it’s something I should bring up, or whether it’s unfair and selfish of me. X

Oh and just wanted to mention - he isn’t working full-time because up until the pandemic he was a mature student, but he has finished his degree now, his shifts just haven’t been upped.

It’s completely reasonable to look at your family finances, child care arrangements, and risk factors and decide together if his job is worth the risk.

Maybe now would be a good time for him to focus on a job search.

My sister was ridiculously relieved when her husband lost his job due to Covid. They didn’t need his income, their family life is easier with him being the primary parent, and his job was risky. She will support him going back to work if he chooses because she would never stop him from working, but she is very happy that for now he is fine being in charge of the kids.

Of course YABU to want your partner to quit his job because of your own anxiety.

And sneezing isn’t a symptom of Covid, so you needn’t be worried there.

I would not ask him to quit but I would ask him to look for something else. I assume he is doing this anyway if he has just finished studying
Anxiety doesn’t go away through avoidance. That just makes it worse. You sound like you would benefit from counselling. Also there are things he can do eg remove clothes in entry way and put in plastic bag then shower immediately after getting home. Wash clothes on hot cycle

One thing you haven't expanded on is the current state of your expendable income. That money that he earns, does he use some of it to buy things that he wants each month?

If he does, would you be willing to 'pay him a salary', as I'm assuming you would want him to be a SAHD, and it wouldn't be fair for him to have nothing. Trust me on that, he would grow to resent you fast.

If you can't commit to the latter part or would prefer not to, then I would say YABU, sorry. If you're anxiety is what's causing the problem, then quitting his job and all the sacrifices that come along with it would be kind favour he's doing for you, and you'd need to recognise that.

Where will it end? Covid will be around for a while. Asking your partner to quit his job is extreme for no real reason.

Can you imagine 'i told my wife she has to quit work, I dont want her working' there would be an outcry of him being controlling, do you really even need to ask if YABU yes you are

If you came on here as a man and asked the same question you would have your arse handed to you on a plate, and rightly so. His job is as important to him as yours is to you. You note that it is good for his mental health. If you have health anxieties you should seek support for it.

OP you need to talk to him about it. However are you WFH or risking your and their health too?
He might be highly offended by feeling he's monetarily useless. It's not all about money. Self esteem etc.
It's a tricky one. Tread carefully.
I do agree with you though it would indeed put your mind at rest.

@Wiredforsound

If you came on here as a man and asked the same question you would have your arse handed to you on a plate, and rightly so. His job is as important to him as yours is to you. You note that it is good for his mental health. If you have health anxieties you should seek support for it.

This

Nowhere in my post did I say I would tell him he had to quit. I asked whether it was unreasonable to talk to him about it. I think if I was 'controlling' I wouldn't be coming on here to ask whether I'm being selfish, or noted that I wouldn't want to do anything detrimental to his mental health. I'm sure if I was trying to control him or tell him what to do I would have done it instead of coming here.

As I said, it's just something that has been on my mind that I was wondering whether to bring up to consider.

In regards to money - we share an account and everything goes into it and we both use it. There's not any his or mine, it's our money and would continue to be.

He also is not happy at his job and comes home every day complaining about it and says that he doesn't really get on with anyone there. Of course his job is just as important, I've never doubted that - my main point was whether £600 a month was worth the risk when we have a young baby, and can afford to live without it.

I think the real issue is your perception of how great the risk is?

Presumably he hasn’t said he wants to be a SAHP at any point? If he’s unhappy there, I don’t think YABU to say that he doesn’t have to do it if he doesn’t want to, and see what he says. YWBU to explicitly ask him to quit though.

Personally, I would be very unwilling to drop down to one income at the moment, unless your job is iron-clad secure. There are lots of redundancies coming for lots of people unfortunately- his income could end up tiding you over through a difficult patch?

He may be unhappy there, but you’re not interested in him quitting because he’s unhappy, you want him to quit because you’re anxious.

Right now jobs are hard to come by and will continue to be for some time. He’s a grown adult capable of making his own decisions, and armed with the same financial information as you, so if he truly wanted to quit he would.

So if it wasn't for the virus would you want him to quit? If not then I presume he would have thought of quitting himself and won't turn around and say 'quit? That's a great idea why did I not think of it before?'

He may want to leave but i think it is help you need about thoughts on the virus not his job

You say partner so you’re not married. If he was a women he would get advice to not give up work and to keep his financial independence

Is this a reverse? Either way, YABU. He wants to work, he has a job, I don't think it's unusual to complain about work. Presumably if all money is shared he will know if financially he could leave work, so presumably he doesn't want to, and it would be unreasonable to expect that of him, or to chat about it and put pressure on as you're anxious. As has been said, if it was the other way around you would very much have your arse handed to you on a plate.

Would you have him quit because of the usual winter cold and flu season? Because it sounds like your baby has a sniffle and you’re being way over the top.

I have a good moan about my job every day but I’m just venting. If DH suggested I quit to avoid bringing home any germs whatsoever he’d be given very short shrift for a large number of reasons.

As you aren't married he has no financial protection should you split. Maybe you could have a conversation about him scaling back to put his efforts into finding something full time.

YABU. What if you spilt up he has no financial protection and jobs are extremely hard to come by right now. It’ll be even worse in the next 6 months or so.
Think you’re being ridiculous to expect him to quit over your own aniexty.

YABU, why should he give up work to make you feel better? Unless you plan to live in a bubble for the rest of your life you need to try and live normally.
You think you have a cold so want your partner to give up work, that makes no sense.