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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex help

17 replies

helpamamaout2892 · 25/09/2020 23:54

I've got a 4 month old baby and me and my partner have finally managed to have sex for the first time after the birth 🎉
However, he didn't start wearing a condom and I only realised when he pulled out to put one on.
I combi-feed my baby so don't have the protection of exclusive breastfeeding and I've not started taking the pill yet - which he knows about.
AIBU to think that he should've worn a condom right from the start, and that he should've told me he wasn't going to before he entered?
And should I get the morning after pill? I'm not sure of the chances of getting pregnant but I'm definitely not ready for another baby yet 😩

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 25/09/2020 23:58

Obviously no one here can say the chances of you falling pregnant, but I’d say to narrow the chances definitely get the MAP.

LouiseTrees · 25/09/2020 23:58

Yes get the MAP ( as long as it doesn’t interfere with breastfeeding in some way) , I’m sorry I don’t know if it does. Yes he should have told you but you should also have made it clear it was a pre-requisite. I’m not sure how you didn’t notice as surely there would’ve had to have been a stop in proceedings for him to put one on previously which was noticeably absent this tome. I can see why you’d be very justifiably angry though.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2020 23:59

Get the pill if it will make you feel better, and have a very serious discussion with your partner about using contraception from the start, no exceptions. You may also want to explore getting on the pill or getting a coil. You certainly don't want to risk an unplanned pregnancy.

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 00:02

@Aquamarine1029

Get the pill if it will make you feel better, and have a very serious discussion with your partner about using contraception from the start, no exceptions. You may also want to explore getting on the pill or getting a coil. You certainly don't want to risk an unplanned pregnancy.
I agree with this but also don’t put hormones in your body that you don’t want to on account of his stupidity. It’s your choice but this is sane advice if it’s something you are open to.
Lockheart · 26/09/2020 00:04

You should get the MAP.

You and your partner need to communicate about contraception.

ViciousJackdaw · 26/09/2020 00:05

Contraception is the responsibility of both parties so, as Louise says, whilst he should have put it on from the start, you should have made it clear it was needed. Especially as you don't want another DC yet. Again though, how could you not notice he didn't put one on?

Littered5 · 26/09/2020 00:07

Would your partner usually state he is not going to wear a condom before hand?

In reality you absolutely know weather someone has got a condom on and you could of asked him to pull out as a last resort OP.

Get the pill & it sounds like you need to have a discussion!

Original poster
helpamamaout2892 · 26/09/2020 00:18

I didn't notice as he was behind me and fiddling around. I thought that was when he was putting the condom on but it turns out that was just lube.
We have had a conversation about contraceptives and I've got a prescription for the pill, this was unexpected so I haven't started taking them yet. I had made it clear loads of times that any sex we would have would require him to wear a condom whether I was on the pill or not as I'm a bit paranoid about getting pregnant again.
Maybe it's been too long but I couldn't tell the difference between him not wearing one and him wearing one so I couldn't stop it sooner

OP posts:
Original poster
helpamamaout2892 · 26/09/2020 00:18

Thank you all for the advice though

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 26/09/2020 00:56

Yes to the MAP.

Also, it's a myth that exclusive breastfeeding protects you against pregnancy. My DS is proof that it doesn't Grin

Newjez · 26/09/2020 03:49

@DramaAlpaca

Yes to the MAP.

Also, it's a myth that exclusive breastfeeding protects you against pregnancy. My DS is proof that it doesn't Grin

Me too!

But in hindsight it was the best thing we ever did.

MerchantOfVenom · 26/09/2020 03:52

I had made it clear loads of times that any sex we would have would require him to wear a condom whether I was on the pill or not as I'm a bit paranoid about getting pregnant again.

Well then, he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

Why would he make you have unprotected sex, when he knows how strongly you (understandably) feel about it?

Original poster
helpamamaout2892 · 26/09/2020 04:37

He didn't make me, I didn't realise and by the time I did it'd already been done.
I'm not sure how clear my original post was but it was only a few minutes max that he was inside without a condom on. I think he thought because we'd done it that way before the baby that it would be fine again.
I think he does it to get hard enough to put the condom on but if he'd said that's what he needed to do then I'd have said no way and done it by hand

OP posts:
MissCadoganTate · 26/09/2020 04:59

You've not really made him sound any better.
I'm actually really surprised, shocked even that it didn't occur to him in advance of entering you. It's so incredibly selfish.

I can understand if you thought that he was getting a condom and therefore didn't say anything (although I probably would've still checked) but I genuinely don't understand him thinking that it would be OK?! .

Definitely get the MAP and have a proper conversation with him which includes the fact that even though you'll be taking the Pill each month, you'll also be insisting on using condoms too. I know I'd be checking in future that he definitely had a condom on.

LouiseTrees · 26/09/2020 08:40

@MissCadoganTate

You've not really made him sound any better. I'm actually really surprised, shocked even that it didn't occur to him in advance of entering you. It's so incredibly selfish.

I can understand if you thought that he was getting a condom and therefore didn't say anything (although I probably would've still checked) but I genuinely don't understand him thinking that it would be OK?! .

Definitely get the MAP and have a proper conversation with him which includes the fact that even though you'll be taking the Pill each month, you'll also be insisting on using condoms too. I know I'd be checking in future that he definitely had a condom on.

I kind of get it. I mean if she mentioned months ago but not right before the incident then he may genuinely have forgotten but if she’s mentioned it anytime recently then he’s way way wrong. I hope she’s had the discussion with him now.
Littered5 · 26/09/2020 11:45

I think OPs partner just sounds like he did it innocently it doesn’t sound like he did it out of malice from OPs update.. there was assumptions on both parts I don’t think it’s a big deal.

MerchantOfVenom · 26/09/2020 20:05

He didn't make me, I didn't realise and by the time I did it'd already been done.

He did make you. In your own words, you’d “made it clear loads of times that any sex you had would require him to wear a condom whether you were on the pill or not as you’re bit paranoid about getting pregnant again”.

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