Do I stay or go?

[clueless8383]

Hi ladies,

I need some advice. There's no one in real life I can talk to about this and it's eating me up inside every single day.

I've been with DH for 12 years, married 8 and I don't know if I want to go on.

He's not a bad person, we're good friends but there's something missing. We have two young DC. I could write an essay about this but I'll summarise as much as possible. I'm not being heartless by summarising so briefly but these are the things I have to consider for staying/leaving

Pro's:
I do love him
Have someone to come home to.
He has a good job, and will be on 40k in 5 years. I'm not money grabbing but grew up poor and want DC's to have the things I couldn't dream of.
We could buy a home most likely in the next 5 years too.
I wouldn't have to miss the kids on weekends etc
They would see their dad everyday
He would help me if I specifically ask for something to be done
We have a long history and mostly happy memories

Cons:
He lies about small pointless things
He admitted he was considering divorce whilst I was 3 months pregnant with DC2, I found this out 11 months later, it pulled the rug from under me and I still don't think I'm over it, it really damaged how I see him.
He can be short with out pets, not cruel but not kind either.
His hobby trumps family time
He spends a ridiculous amount of time with his head in his phone and the kids lose out because of this when I have to work.
He has a low sex drive and always has, I don't
He doesn't compliment me ever but does cuddle me across the day.
I have to manage him, not in a controlling way, but if I don't explicitly explain what the kids need when I'm at work etc then it wouldn't be done and it would be because 'he didn't know'

I just don't know what to do. I read things on here and see how some women have to deal with so much worse and he is generally a good person but not a good husband and sometimes not a great dad.

I will add we separated for a few months, at the start of march. I told him it was because of covid and his job being high risk so he moved out and stayed with family, I am in a vulnerable category. He knew things weren't great but he went on that premise of it just being covid. When we argued at the end of last year and start of this year he said he wouldn't ever leave the house if I wanted to split so I just saw that as a way to get space. I just wanted to be single and have a shot at happiness.

When he was gone it was like a weight was lifted, I had so much fun with the kids, I started prepping financially to move on, I lost weight- which I've now regained. I was motivated for the first time in years.

We didn't speak a lot during this time because of his working hours and the kids are too young to hold a conversation but one day he rang me in tears begging to come home, he even spoke to a gp which is really unheard of for him. I put him off for a few weeks but he eventually came back when I became worried about his mental health. He seemed changed, I was hopeful that it might actually have been a good thing so he could see the grass isn't greener and that family is important. It hasn't lasted though, I feel the same again.

I do love him, I don't want to hurt him or the kids, I don't ever want to not be with my kids, they're my whole world.The thought of sharing them is just horrendous. Equally I know he loves them too.

It just feels impossible. I should stay with him but then I hate feeling like this isn't what I'm meant to be doing with my life.

I also realise I said I could write an essay about this, then actually did

When he was gone it was like a weight was lifted, I had so much fun with the kids, I started prepping financially to move on, I lost weight- which I've now regained. I was motivated for the first time in years.

I would say this answers it. Wouldn't you?

You're staying because it's familiar and 'easy' in the sense that you're in an established pattern, and you feel (misplaced) guilt because you're a kind person who cares how others feel even when that's no reciprocated, but you need to take care of yourself here - or nobody will. Plus he's made clear he will try and make it difficult for you to exit the relationship.

We have a long history and mostly happy memories

That will still exist even after the relationship ends. The memories aren't all extracted from your brain and erased. Access to past memories is not a good reason to stay in a situation that is rubbish in the present.

I am fairly sure it would be in your children's best interests to grow up in a healthy environment with a healthy relationship being modelled to them - don't lose sight of the things that are important for them to have because you are so fixated on what you did not have as a child.

Maybe try counseling together with the aim of coparenting and separation rather than staying together

You are both unhappy with the relationship at present and have both considered leaving.

When he was gone it was like a weight was lifted, I had so much fun with the kids, I started prepping financially to move on, I lost weight- which I've now regained. I was motivated for the first time in years

Playing devil's advocate - could this be that this was a 'change' - new, exciting, would you continue to feel like this when being a single parent becomes the norm?

It was the bit where you said ‘We’re good friends, but...’ that struck me. This happened to a school friend of mine. They got together at 15, got married, had kids, were together for over 20 years... on paper, the archetypal success story. But she realised as she was approaching 40 that, while he’d become her best friend and she loved him, she wasn’t IN love with him anymore. There were no romantic feelings anymore. Some people thought she was mad to leave him, and of course it wasn’t easy, but as she said to me, ‘I’m probably only halfway through my life - and I don’t want this to be the second half.’

There’s a reason that ‘Silver Separators’ - people over 60 getting divorced - have become a phenomenon in recent years. 40 - 50 years ago, quite apart from the fact that divorce was still unusual or even taboo, people probably expected to live into their early to mid seventies. If you weren’t happy at 65, you sucked it up for the last ten years. Now someone 65 could have another 25 years to go - and it suddenly seems a long time. From your post, you seem a lot younger than that.

You say you want someone to come home to. Is that someone/anyone? Or do you specifically want him? If you just want someone, maybe try to accept that it will be someone else.

Hi Op, I wondered how you were getting on with your decision? I could have written the same more or less. So hard isn't it? It's like your happiness or the kids happiness. Or at least that's how the burden of guilt feels

@user14123965865

When he was gone it was like a weight was lifted, I had so much fun with the kids, I started prepping financially to move on, I lost weight- which I've now regained. I was motivated for the first time in years.

I would say this answers it. Wouldn't you?

You're staying because it's familiar and 'easy' in the sense that you're in an established pattern, and you feel (misplaced) guilt because you're a kind person who cares how others feel even when that's no reciprocated, but you need to take care of yourself here - or nobody will. Plus he's made clear he will try and make it difficult for you to exit the relationship.

We have a long history and mostly happy memories

That will still exist even after the relationship ends. The memories aren't all extracted from your brain and erased. Access to past memories is not a good reason to stay in a situation that is rubbish in the present.

I am fairly sure it would be in your children's best interests to grow up in a healthy environment with a healthy relationship being modelled to them - don't lose sight of the things that are important for them to have because you are so fixated on what you did not have as a child.

Couldnt have put this any better