AIBU to want to contact an old friend?

[Rad1016]

I had a group of friends who I haven't spoken to in 3+ years. The situation that lead us to fall out was extremely complicated & emotional. I've found it incredibly hard since & even more so since I had our daughter in January.

My DH isn't keen for me to reach out. In short, me choosing to be with him 3+ years ago created quite a divide & there was a lot of animosity on both sides with me caught in the middle. It came to a head & my friend stopped speaking to me which I can understand. However, I'm feeling so lonely & I miss her incredibly. We were so close & the thought of never seeing or speaking to her ever again makes me so sad. My DH seems extremely threatened by me potentially rekindling this relationship & I'm in turmoil. We've been arguing quite a lot & can't reach a resolution. Before we got married /had a baby my DH did say to me that he wouldn't want me to get back in touch with her. He now sees it that I've manipulated the situation to my advantage, gone back on my word & he's stuck with my decision because we're married & have a child. I didn't expect to feel this way. I've been diagnosed with PPD & have limited support. I've been in therapy for over 3 years & have a good insight that this feels really important to me.

I really want to talk to her (granted she may not want to talk to me) but it's a tough call. I want to do this for me & my daughter, I wouldn't expect my DH to be involved at all but worried I'm opening myself & my marriage up to lots of stress.

AIBU to want to do this for me? How do I deal with letting my DH down?

We're you an OW?

OW? If that means "other woman", not at all.

This clearly isn't as simple as being reasonable or unreasonable. Maybe it's time to get couples counseling, so you can talk through this properly and find a way forward for both of you.

I second couples counselling. Without more information it's not possible to say whether your DH is being unreasonable and controlling. It does sound like that a bit though. Is he controlling in any other ways?

Do you have any other people in your life other than you DH and DD?

Why doesn't he want you contacting her? We need specific reasons for that, at the moment he sounds controlling, but if she's a drug user, in and out of jail all the time, stole from you, whatever, then I could see his point.

How can we judge who's being unreasonable when we don't know why your husband is so against this?

Without knowing what happened, it’s hard to answer. Have you talked to your counsellor about it? With the full details?

That’s what I would do at this point. We can’t judge as we don’t know how unreasonable it is without knowing what the fallout was.

@ZoeTurtle

How can we judge who's being unreasonable when we don't know why your husband is so against this?

Exactly. It's a ridiculous thing to leave out.

Making it difficult for a partner to see their friends is a big red flag for abuse.

Do you find yourself adjusting your behaviour in other ways so as not to upset him.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Making it difficult for a partner to see their friends is a big red flag for abuse.

Do you find yourself adjusting your behaviour in other ways so as not to upset him.

I don't think that's the issue here. We need to more info.

What aren't you telling us, OP?

I had a huge falling out with my bff around... 12 years ago. When my mom died 5 years ago she messaged me to let me know she was thinking of me. We now talk almost daily via text. We actually had planned a lunch date the week everything closed here in our state (USA) so we haven't seen each other in person. We also aren't ever going to be as close as we once we're. But I'm very glad we're talking again. And I believe she is as well.

That said... Ive reached out to 3 other people in the past year and got absolutely no response.... So you really won't know how it will go until you try.

It depends entirely on the situation that caused the fallout because you state that it involved your DP. For example if your then DP was not treating you well then this is a sign he doesn't want her to highlight any further issues.

However if it is something your ex bff did to your DH and was unpleasant I can see why he is upset (although honestly it's all a bit dramatic if the situation was not serious , you say you want to do it for your DC? I can guarantee you neither if my DC pay any attention to my friends and he feels manipulated? That's all a bit much....unless it was an extremely serious incident and then I would ask why things have changed ?)

Difficult to say.

Either:
he genuinely cares about your welfare or mental health around these women as he has seen the results when you were pals with them before as they stressed, hurt, and/or blackmailed you
Or
His health suffered because of them, perhaps they were feeding you lies about him to blacken his name or they were contacting him with nasty messages behind your back or something horrible and he can’t face that shit again
Or
There is something you don’t know going on that’s currently secret, like he slept with your pal and never told you and thinks if you meet the group again there is a chance the beans may spill and you’ll dump him.
Or
You have a lot of good qualities or money and he currently uses you for these things and doesn’t want them to get you as he could lose the opportunity to milk you for these things. As they will be the users instead.

Does your former friend have concerns about your partner? Does she think/know that he is potentially violent or abusive?

Good for you for wanting to make up.

I had this discussion on another thread, and basically it seems to be seen as a very British thing to cut people off and show no emotion about it, and move on. Or even if you move to another city, etc..

I didn't grow up here and have friends from my schooldays back home that I am still very close to and every couple of years go and stay in their homes or they mine, although they are in a different country.

So YANBU for trying, or wanting to try but it does sound as though she was a bit flouncy and is still likely to be. I do think that wanting to do something about it does show you in a good light though.

Did he leave a friend for you or vice versa? Or is there a religious element?

It's impossible to say if he's right or wrong without knowing why there was a fall out.

If she was horrific to your DP then he could be absoutely in the right. If he was horrid to her then he could be entirely in the wrong.

Sorry without the details it’s impossible to tell

Interesting that the vote doesn’t mirror the responses.

TBH, if your friend fell out with you over your wish to be with DH then she’s not really been a friend. Even if she thought he wasn’t good for you, if she’d been a genuine friend she would have stuck by you anyway in the hope that she could be there for you if things went wrong.

I was in a situation when me and DP first got together where some of his so-called friends gave him a hard time. The predominant reason was religion. He is religious, I am not, and before he went out with me he was part of one of those so-called charismatic churches. Anyway friends of his told him that he would have to choose between me and the church, and that if he chose me then he was foregoing any chance of eternal life as he would be judged harshly. Suffice to say he chose me, and none of those friends have ever accepted me and have made it very clear. If he started to suggest going out with them and re-kindling those friendships I wouldn’t be overly happy about it either.

No one can advise without knowing if your DH has a valid point.